2 Monologues for Males
(free for students & auditions)
"Just trying to be friendly"
from the one act play Conventional Behavior
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 1984,
HAL: teens or early 20's, a nice but nerdy physics student, not
an outstanding physical specimen. Hal is attending his first Science
Fiction Convention, wearing jeans and a Star Trek tee shirt and
looking for kindred spirits, especially female ones.
RAY GUN: teens or early 20's, wearing a flamboyant red space pirate
outfit, complete with boots, cape, and flashing toy ray gun.
HAL: teens or early 20's, a nice but nerdy
physics student, not an outstanding physical specimen. Hal is
attending his first Science Fiction Convention, wearing jeans
and a Star Trek tee shirt and looking for kindred spirits, especially
Great costume! Bet you win a prize. ... Sorry. I didn't mean
to stare. You're so beautiful I don't think I thought you were
real. I -- I kind of zoned out. (abashed) I seem to keep
putting my foot in it. The worst of it is, I don't even know how
it keeps happening: there I am, trying to talk to a girl-- a woman--
and here I am all tangled up again. It's like a curse. I've never
been to one of these before. I feel so-- weird. But not as weird
as everybody else! That's what my friend Ken said: "In science
fiction, weird is standard. " Ken was supposed to take me to this,
but his uncle died. Anyway, he really sold me on coming. Said
he looks forward to the convention all year, you know? Cause women
at cons aren't like regular girls-- I mean like --civilians?....
"Mundanes"-- right. Ken said we'd be able to could talk to you--
. Except I can't. Total strike-out. If I'd known I'd be on my
own, I'd've had him rehearse me. The way he pictured it, all you
had to do was walk into a party. I tried that. Last night. I heard
there was a one on the nineteenth floor. So I decided I'd go up
to it. It took me forty minutes to get into an elevator: there
were huge crowds and some people had figured it out so they could
be in front of one exactly as it opens and shove in all their
friends. When I finally got on, instead of going up, it went to
the basement and stuck there: some techie's idea of a joke, I
guess. For which I got blamed! I was standing in front of the
buttons, but I never touched them, honest! They were like a lynch
mob! They threw me off, and I had to walk, subbasement to nineteen,
21 floors. I hadn't brought an ID, so I couldn't get a beer. Not
that I'm that big on alcohol, but it might have helped. To deal
with Elfs. Elves. It was decorated all like-- like-- And they
were standing around being--Them. They all had big pointed ears
and costumes-- well, some were't wearing anything but little bits
of fur over lots of skin. Anyway, they all knew who they were.
Do you know what I mean? Each of them was somebody I was supposed
to recognize. But after about six words they'd realize I didn't
recognize them, and they'd just walk away from me. Talk about
RAY GUN is costumed as some sort
of Space Pirate, RAY is talking to an unseen person he assumes
is a fellow Role Player in a LARP game he is playing at atheScience
Fiction Convention. RAY begins by giving the secret sign, a silly
combination of gesture and salute, and the unseen OPERATIVE gives
RAY: Operative? (makes gestural secret sign) The message
is we've been cracked. Only give what you've got if you are absolutely
sure. And watch out for the Spider Woman. We don't know what she's
wearing, but she's extremely dangerous. If she gets a hold of
you she'll get what you got, and we're dead meat. (OPERATIVE,
unheard, asks RAY about his Ray Gun.)
My gun? I made it. Clever, huh? I'm a Filthy Huckster, and I've
got about 300 more of them downstairs at my booth, if you're interested.
No, it's not Peace Bonded, you idiot! Screw the Oversight Committee!
That kind of authoritarian bullshit makes me want to Berserker!
(points toy ray gun and shoots flashes) Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!
Where do you get off, cutting out the heart, the dick, puking
all over our good healthy aggressive wish-fulfilling cathartic
play! The name of the game is Rebellion!
(punctuates his speech with ray-shots)
Us against them! Son against the Father! Brother against Big Brother!
Individual against the Empire! So don't come to me with any peckerpockkin'
regulations, we're here as free spirits! Let the rays glow, the
spirits flow, and the fucking Force be with you! Ak-ak-ak-ak!
Do you seriously mean to contend that anyone no matter how paranoid
could possibly mistake this item for a threat to life? Oh, no!
This gun is not a lethal weapon, quite the contrary: this, ladies
and gents, this is my galactic sex pistol! Yes, sir, one blast
with this and the lucky female is enslaved, a prisoner of rampaging
lust! Ak-ak-ak-ak! The Oversight Committee, for cripes sake! These
are the leaders we've allowed to run amok on us: when we should
be running amok ourselves! Anarchy forever! Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!