Monologues for Men & Women

One-Minute Mouth-Offs
Conservative Politics
free one-minute monologues for students and auditions

By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2006, 2007 Geralyn Horton

The following one-minute mouth-off political monologues express a conservative point of view. Some of them may eventually find their way into a play, but for now I've shaped them into monologues that challenge the actors to fill in the missing details from their own imaginations: who, what, where, when, why, how?

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How come you spineless pansies won't back the amendment to prevent the desecration of the American Flag? The Stars Spangled Banner represents our country. It stands for you and me. For our rights, and our freedoms. For all the heroes who fought and died so we could live here in the Greatest Nation on Earth. It's our flag, dammit. Love it or leave it. I want every one of those evil desecrators stripped of their citizenship and deported --- let France, or Cuba, or Venezula take them in. Scum will find a welcome somewhere. There's plenty of scum suckers in this world-- we don't have to put up with them. My family has served this country in the Military for generations. My brother is serving in Iraq right now. I enlisted in the Navy, and I'd still be there, if I could -- I have a service connected disabilty. But even so, I have the strength and the guts for fight for my flag. If ever I see it burnt, torn, or shredded, I'm not going to hang around and whine! If you won't pass a law so those traitors are arrested, at least stand aside while I beat the crap out of them.

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End homelessness? Why? Why would you want to do that? I mean, none of us wants the mentally ill to be wandering around the streets with out medicine or shelter. We want to cure disease. We want to feed the hungry, clean up crime in the parks. End littering! But homelessness? What ever happened to freedom? Why should a person have to live in a house, or buy a condo? Rent a room, or bunk in a charity shelter that's like a prison? If someone wants to live on a park bench and can do that without hurting anybody, I say more power to them! Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! You know, we could afford to give all sorts of help to the deserving, if we didn't mind giving help to the "undeserving", too. A shocking percentage of our social services budget goes to figuring out ways to deny aid to the bums-- a process that dehumanizes both the bums and the gatekeepers. You can feed a heck of a lot of bums on the salary of one bureaucrat.

Homosexuals want to take away the sacredness of marriage. They want to force the schools to teach perversion to little children. And while they're doing this, they want to take away my freedom of speech. Parents like me who believe in the Bible are going to be hauled into court for telling their children that perversion is wrong! As the Word of God says it is! It's just a matter of time till they'll be putting us in jail. Something's got to be done. Why are homosexuals allowed to discriminate against decent people? We face losing our jobs for speaking out! Special rights for the perverted, taking rights away from the decent, that's what's underway. The perverted are trying to infiltrate, everywhere that decent people go. Look at the Boy Scouts! Look at the churches! Golly-gosh, we can't even have Christian chat rooms or bulletin boards without them pushing in with their filth in those places. They just cannot stand it that good people like me hate them and hate every thing they do and stand for. I positively hate them. I believe that if they can't be put in prison they should all be on an island, away from decent society. They corrupt our nation, they hurt our children, and kill people by giving them AIDs. They stand for evil. I know that there are some that are worse than others, but no matter who they are, they are wicked, wicked, wicked and should be put away.

It's not possible to overstate how disappointed real conservatives are with Bush. Neo-Cons are supposed to combine the best insights of the Left-- minus the Marxism-- with the tradition of Jeffersonian idealism. Bush represents none of this. He spends like a drunken LBJ, combines the laziness of Reagan, the incompetence of Carter, the slipperiness of Clinton, and the confusion of his father, Bush I. Bush II has managed to be the collection of the worst of the last five presidents. But: Bush is the only thing standing between us and radical Islam. Fundamentalist terrorism is the greatest threat to humanity. Painful as it may be for cowards and pacifists to contemplate, the Iraq War isn't illegal or immoral. It is always legal for a democratic country to invade another country, if that country wants to destroy the whole western world and its historic civilization. Iraq's a war we were bound to enter, and it must be fought through to victory because we can't afford to lose.

Once, to be a conservative meant to uphold time-tested processes and institutions, whether they were those of a constitutional monarchy or a democratic republic. Tradition, reason, and the common good were the watchwords. But in this day, in this country, to be a conservative is to buy into the most corrupt and contemptible form of moral relativism: to abandon principle and logic altogether. Scientific knowledge is just one "perspective". Good government rests on the gut instincts of a single Decider, who rules by Divine Appointment. Slashing taxes counts as a first principle, expensive wars and basic human decency be damned. These so-called conservatives are not rational decision makers who distinguish between effective and ineffective programs. Slash taxes, period! No thinking required. According to those who define conservatism today, patriots are required to stoop to the morality of our enemies, and renounce the Enlightenment. Their God, like that of the Islamist terrorists, commands that Unbelievers be shorn of rights and tortured into submission. Anyone who disagrees with this view is an enemy of America and should be marginalized or eliminated. So I don't consider myself a conservative anymore. I've decided to join up with a reality-based community that trusts expertise, democratic processes, and established institutions-- and makes fact-based decisions. These days people like that are called liberals. But I have more in common with them than with relativistic mystics who are not open to reason. Distrust democracy? Despise tradition? Believe that your end justifies any means? If that's conservatism, count me out.

How in the world can my president protect America when we have liberal traitors like that disgruntled employee at the NSA doing everything possible to undermine him? Psychiatrists have found this whistleblower guy to be paranoid and delusional and that is why he lost his clearance. It's for our safety that he had to be fired. In my opinion the NSA and all other goverment agencies should purge all liberals from their ranks. Obviously, they are security threats. Fortunately this whistleblower "scandal" is fizzling, just like all the other attempts by Democrats to hamstring the president when he is only fulfilling his constitutional duty as Commander in Chief to protect us. Have you noticed that TV criticism of the National Security Agency wiretapping has dropped off the radar screen? No mention of it on any of the news shows today: the people know better than to listen. The more they snipe at our leader, the more the Democrats go down. Did you see the latest GALLUP POLL? "6 in 10 Americans seem comfortable with the current level of government intrusion on civil liberties as part of the war on terrorism." Get with the program, guys! Our enemies are plotting and planning against us, and we can't afford to fight them with one hand tied behind our backs. Let the liberals whine about their "right to privacy" all they want-- what are they hiding, anyway?-- but our security services and our military must use any and every means available if we hope to defeat the terrorists. There are people who are devoted to our destruction, and they must be stopped!

I don't get all the fuss over the "failure" of the government to help Katrina. Why should we care about those losers? All that bitching about a few flooded basements! I've got nothing against charity: let the Salvation Army give them soup and blankets. But people who choose to live in a crime-ridden area prone to flooding? People too stupid or lazy to evacuate when they're told to get out? Don't you dare give them my hard earned tax dollars. Let's not reward stupidity! Most of them were probably crack dealers anyway. You ask me, "What about the elderly? Stranded in the nursing homes?" Those crippled old geezers, left to rot by cowardly caretakers or their own greedy relatives? Listen, people! Take some responsibility for your own poor decisions! Like, electing a bonehead mayor and a clueless governor. I say they got what was coming to them. New Orleans was a big dump that needed a good flush, and that's what it got.

Thousands of trashed and unused FEMA trailers? Sinking into the mud because FEMA can't use them in flood plains? What did you expect from the "Nanny state"? Some government idiot ordered them-- or some crook who has a cousin he could fix up with a no bid no brainer trailer contract. Now we're all supposed to listen to the whiners-- weeping and carrying on because they believe the government owes them a living. Wake up, jerks. Life's a lottery, and you haven't bought a ticket. The real solution isn't trailers: It's for these thousands of homeless families to get some self-respect. Make responsible decisions, observe an abstinent lifestyle, embrace Christ. Work hard and you'll earn the success that's available to anybody in this great country of ours. Your problem isn't wind and water. Your problem is the entitlement mentality. Since FDR the Democrats have fostered socialism, to breed dependent, helpless and captive voters. Let go of that idiocy. It's survival of the fittest, Jack. The poor are poor because they want to be. Why give them money? They just buy booze.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. If we wish to let people into the country to mow our lawns or do our housework for a wage we wouldn't want our brothers or our daughters to work for, we can do that. Hard working cheap labor from Mexico is very tempting. But choices have consequences. Someone will have to pay, either now or later. Will it be my grandchildren? I worked all my life to save enough so that I can shower them good things, spoil them even, give them what used to be called "advantages". This is selfish, I know. But they're my joy, my life, my legacy. I can foresee the day ten or twenty years from now when all the good jobs will be outsourced to places like India, and our kids will have to compete for the stay-at-home jobs with the children of the tired poor huddled masses who have come here illegally. How is all of this supposed to work? How many aliens should we encourage to come? How do they get here? Do they get to bring their families? What about Grandma? What if Grandma is sick and can't work? Once they are all here, do they get health care, education, social services, etc? Do they have a voice? Can they sue, vote, organize, boycott, have free speech? How do they protect themselves? How do we? These are just a few of the questions I have. I don't hear anybody talking about these things, and I'm trying to find answers.

The people elect a President every 4 years, and we re-elected Bush on the basis of what he did for the country in his first term, in the wake of 9/11. We need to let our president do the job he promised us he would do. It makes no sense for Americans to second guess the President's actions-- there's no way that people outside the administration can understand the situation better than he does. He's the one who has seen the secret intelligence reports, and heard the advice of our military. He can't tell us the details of what he is doing, or even very specifically why he is doing it--not without giving away information that helps the terrorists. We were attacked once, and the unpleasant reality is that it is very possible that we will be attacked again. Our enemies are clever and implacable. They can hear everything we say, and turn it to their advantage. The president is doing all he can to keep us safe, and to show firmness and resolve in the face of these enemies. Bush's "strong man" leadership style may be offensive to people who think that democracy means endless debate and compromise, but in the end it comes down to to patriotism. When the danger is past, we may study what was done and judge Bush as President-- but now is not the time.

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People take sides, like they do with sports teams. One party is "My Side", the "Good Guys". Anytime your party's the loser, and not in power, and the party that IS in power pushes their agenda aggressively, to you the president is a 'strongman' or a 'dictator'. How did Bush get this overwhelming power? Americans elected a majority of Republicans to sit in the Senate, and a majority of Republicans to sit in in the House. They re-elected a strong conservative Republican as President. They overwhelmingly support that president's picks for the Supreme Court. It's the electorate that did it! Impeach the electorate! I understand that the left is frustrated because its role in defining domestic and foreign policy is diminished. But Bush's actions are in line with his political and moral beliefs, so he is not cowed by the criticisms from the left, or even by dropping numbers in the polls. Many Democrats don't believe they need to offer alternatives: their role is to be critics. Well, lacking alternative ideas, how can the Democrats convince Americans that they deserve a more influential role in government? Here's my advice: if you want a president who isn't a 'strongman' or a 'dictator', win some elections. Convince Americans that you have better ideas and are better able to lead.

See also: One-Minute Mouthoff Monologues for:
Younger people | Men | Women | Anyone
Conservatives | Liberals | War in Iraq | Religion


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