The following one-minute mouth-off political
monologues express a conservative point of view. Some of them
may eventually find their way into a play, but for now I've shaped
them into monologues that challenge the actors to fill in the
missing details from their own imaginations: who, what, where,
when, why, how?
This symbol means this monologue has been recorded. Click on the triangle to listen.
Click on the triangle to listen:
How come you spineless pansies won't back the amendment to prevent the desecration
of the American Flag? The Stars Spangled Banner represents our country. It stands
for you and me. For our rights, and our freedoms. For all the heroes who fought
and died so we could live here in the Greatest Nation on Earth. It's our flag,
dammit. Love it or leave it. I want every one of those evil desecrators stripped
of their citizenship and deported --- let France, or Cuba, or Venezula take them
in. Scum will find a welcome somewhere. There's plenty of scum suckers in this
world-- we don't have to put up with them. My family has served this country in
the Military for generations. My brother is serving in Iraq right now. I enlisted
in the Navy, and I'd still be there, if I could -- I have a service connected
disabilty. But even so, I have the strength and the guts for fight for my flag.
If ever I see it burnt, torn, or shredded, I'm not going to hang around and whine!
If you won't pass a law so those traitors are arrested, at least stand aside while
I beat the crap out of them.
Click on the triangle to listen:
homelessness? Why? Why would you want to do that? I mean, none
of us wants the mentally ill to be wandering around the streets
with out medicine or shelter. We want to cure disease. We want
to feed the hungry, clean up crime in the parks. End littering!
But homelessness? What ever happened to freedom? Why should a
person have to live in a house, or buy a condo? Rent a room, or
bunk in a charity shelter that's like a prison? If someone wants
to live on a park bench and can do that without hurting anybody,
I say more power to them! Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!
You know, we could afford to give all sorts of help to the deserving,
if we didn't mind giving help to the "undeserving", too. A shocking
percentage of our social services budget goes to figuring out
ways to deny aid to the bums-- a process that dehumanizes both
the bums and the gatekeepers. You can feed a heck of a lot of
bums on the salary of one bureaucrat.
Homosexuals want to take away the sacredness of marriage. They want to force
the schools to teach perversion to little children. And while they're doing this,
they want to take away my freedom of speech. Parents like me who believe in the
Bible are going to be hauled into court for telling their children that perversion
is wrong! As the Word of God says it is! It's just a matter of time till they'll
be putting us in jail. Something's got to be done. Why are homosexuals allowed
to discriminate against decent people? We face losing our jobs for speaking
out! Special rights for the perverted, taking rights away from the decent, that's
what's underway. The perverted are trying to infiltrate, everywhere that decent
people go. Look at the Boy Scouts! Look at the churches! Golly-gosh, we can't
even have Christian chat rooms or bulletin boards without them pushing in with
their filth in those places. They just cannot stand it that good people like
me hate them and hate every thing they do and stand for. I positively hate them.
I believe that if they can't be put in prison they should all be on an island,
away from decent society. They corrupt our nation, they hurt our children, and
kill people by giving them AIDs. They stand for evil. I know that there are some
that are worse than others, but no matter who they are, they are wicked, wicked,
wicked and should be put away.
It's not possible to overstate how
disappointed real conservatives are with Bush. Neo-Cons are supposed
to combine the best insights of the Left-- minus the Marxism--
with the tradition of Jeffersonian idealism. Bush represents none
of this. He spends like a drunken LBJ, combines the laziness of
Reagan, the incompetence of Carter, the slipperiness of Clinton,
and the confusion of his father, Bush I. Bush II has managed to
be the collection of the worst of the last five presidents. But:
Bush is the only thing standing between us and radical Islam.
Fundamentalist terrorism is the greatest threat to humanity. Painful
as it may be for cowards and pacifists to contemplate, the Iraq
War isn't illegal or immoral. It is always legal for a democratic
country to invade another country, if that country wants to destroy
the whole western world and its historic civilization. Iraq's
a war we were bound to enter, and it must be fought through to
victory because we can't afford to lose.
Once, to be a conservative meant to
uphold time-tested processes and institutions, whether they were
those of a constitutional monarchy or a democratic republic. Tradition,
reason, and the common good were the watchwords. But in this day,
in this country, to be a conservative is to buy into the most
corrupt and contemptible form of moral relativism: to abandon
principle and logic altogether. Scientific knowledge is just one
"perspective". Good government rests on the gut instincts of a
single Decider, who rules by Divine Appointment. Slashing taxes
counts as a first principle, expensive wars and basic human decency
be damned. These so-called conservatives are not rational decision
makers who distinguish between effective and ineffective programs.
Slash taxes, period! No thinking required. According to those
who define conservatism today, patriots are required to stoop
to the morality of our enemies, and renounce the Enlightenment.
Their God, like that of the Islamist terrorists, commands that
Unbelievers be shorn of rights and tortured into submission. Anyone
who disagrees with this view is an enemy of America and should
be marginalized or eliminated. So I don't consider myself a conservative
anymore. I've decided to join up with a reality-based community
that trusts expertise, democratic processes, and established institutions--
and makes fact-based decisions. These days people like that are
called liberals. But I have more in common with them than with
relativistic mystics who are not open to reason. Distrust democracy?
Despise tradition? Believe that your end justifies any means?
If that's conservatism, count me out.
How in the world can my president
protect America when we have liberal traitors like that disgruntled
employee at the NSA doing everything possible to undermine him?
Psychiatrists have found this whistleblower guy to be paranoid
and delusional and that is why he lost his clearance. It's for
our safety that he had to be fired. In my opinion the NSA and
all other goverment agencies should purge all liberals from their
ranks. Obviously, they are security threats. Fortunately this
whistleblower "scandal" is fizzling, just like all the other attempts
by Democrats to hamstring the president when he is only fulfilling
his constitutional duty as Commander in Chief to protect us. Have
you noticed that TV criticism of the National Security Agency
wiretapping has dropped off the radar screen? No mention of it
on any of the news shows today: the people know better than to
listen. The more they snipe at our leader, the more the Democrats
go down. Did you see the latest GALLUP POLL? "6 in 10 Americans
seem comfortable with the current level of government intrusion
on civil liberties as part of the war on terrorism." Get
with the program, guys! Our enemies are plotting and planning
against us, and we can't afford to fight them with one hand tied
behind our backs. Let the liberals whine about their "right to
privacy" all they want-- what are they hiding, anyway?-- but our
security services and our military must use any and every means
available if we hope to defeat the terrorists. There are people
who are devoted to our destruction, and they must be stopped!
I don't get all the fuss over the "failure"
of the government to help Katrina. Why should we care about those
losers? All that bitching about a few flooded basements! I've
got nothing against charity: let the Salvation Army give them
soup and blankets. But people who choose to live in a crime-ridden
area prone to flooding? People too stupid or lazy to evacuate
when they're told to get out? Don't you dare give them my hard
earned tax dollars. Let's not reward stupidity! Most of them were
probably crack dealers anyway. You ask me, "What about the
elderly? Stranded in the nursing homes?" Those crippled old
geezers, left to rot by cowardly caretakers or their own greedy
relatives? Listen, people! Take some responsibility for your own
poor decisions! Like, electing a bonehead mayor and a clueless
governor. I say they got what was coming to them. New Orleans
was a big dump that needed a good flush, and that's what it got.
Thousands of trashed and unused FEMA
trailers? Sinking into the mud because FEMA can't use them in
flood plains? What did you expect from the "Nanny state"? Some
government idiot ordered them-- or some crook who has a cousin
he could fix up with a no bid no brainer trailer contract. Now
we're all supposed to listen to the whiners-- weeping and carrying
on because they believe the government owes them a living. Wake
up, jerks. Life's a lottery, and you haven't bought a ticket.
The real solution isn't trailers: It's for these thousands of
homeless families to get some self-respect. Make responsible decisions,
observe an abstinent lifestyle, embrace Christ. Work hard and
you'll earn the success that's available to anybody in this great
country of ours. Your problem isn't wind and water. Your problem
is the entitlement mentality. Since FDR the Democrats have fostered
socialism, to breed dependent, helpless and captive voters. Let
go of that idiocy. It's survival of the fittest, Jack. The poor
are poor because they want to be. Why give them money? They just
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
If we wish to let people into the country to mow our lawns or
do our housework for a wage we wouldn't want our brothers or our
daughters to work for, we can do that. Hard working cheap labor
from Mexico is very tempting. But choices have consequences. Someone
will have to pay, either now or later. Will it be my grandchildren?
I worked all my life to save enough so that I can shower them
good things, spoil them even, give them what used to be called
"advantages". This is selfish, I know. But they're my joy, my
life, my legacy. I can foresee the day ten or twenty years from
now when all the good jobs will be outsourced to places like India,
and our kids will have to compete for the stay-at-home jobs with
the children of the tired poor huddled masses who have come here
illegally. How is all of this supposed to work? How many aliens
should we encourage to come? How do they get here? Do they get
to bring their families? What about Grandma? What if Grandma is
sick and can't work? Once they are all here, do they get health
care, education, social services, etc? Do they have a voice? Can
they sue, vote, organize, boycott, have free speech? How do they
protect themselves? How do we? These are just a few of the questions
I have. I don't hear anybody talking about these things, and I'm
trying to find answers.
The people elect a President every
4 years, and we re-elected Bush on the basis of what he did for
the country in his first term, in the wake of 9/11. We need to
let our president do the job he promised us he would do. It makes
no sense for Americans to second guess the President's actions--
there's no way that people outside the administration can understand
the situation better than he does. He's the one who has seen the
secret intelligence reports, and heard the advice of our military.
He can't tell us the details of what he is doing, or even very
specifically why he is doing it--not without giving away information
that helps the terrorists. We were attacked once, and the unpleasant
reality is that it is very possible that we will be attacked again.
Our enemies are clever and implacable. They can hear everything
we say, and turn it to their advantage. The president is doing
all he can to keep us safe, and to show firmness and resolve in
the face of these enemies. Bush's "strong man" leadership
style may be offensive to people who think that democracy means
endless debate and compromise, but in the end it comes down to
to patriotism. When the danger is past, we may study what was
done and judge Bush as President-- but now is not the time.
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take sides, like they do with sports teams. One party is "My
Side", the "Good Guys". Anytime your party's the
loser, and not in power, and the party that IS in power pushes
their agenda aggressively, to you the president is a 'strongman'
or a 'dictator'. How did Bush get this overwhelming power? Americans
elected a majority of Republicans to sit in the Senate, and a
majority of Republicans to sit in in the House. They re-elected
a strong conservative Republican as President. They overwhelmingly
support that president's picks for the Supreme Court. It's the
electorate that did it! Impeach the electorate! I understand that
the left is frustrated because its role in defining domestic and
foreign policy is diminished. But Bush's actions are in line with
his political and moral beliefs, so he is not cowed by the criticisms
from the left, or even by dropping numbers in the polls. Many
Democrats don't believe they need to offer alternatives: their
role is to be critics. Well, lacking alternative ideas, how can
the Democrats convince Americans that they deserve a more influential
role in government? Here's my advice: if you want a president
who isn't a 'strongman' or a 'dictator', win some elections. Convince
Americans that you have better ideas and are better able to lead.