A One Act Play

Christmas at Grandma’s:
What Big Teeth You Have!

By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2005 Geralyn Horton

CHARACTERS
MOM is Marianne Hughes Willis, 40ish, Bob Willis's 2nd wife.
JJ is Jane Willis, 13, Marianne and Bob's daughter.
BOBBY Willis is 17, the child of Bob's first marriage.

Christmas Day shortly after noon. Minimal set, but winter coats, wrapped Christmas boxes, and an almost full suitcase and backpack set out to be loaded into the car figure prominently.

MOM
Jayjay, what should we take to listen to in the car?

BOBBY
Leave the good headphones, will you? I'll want to practice this afternoon.

JJ
It doesn't matter to me. All I’ll hear is the Funeral March: tatatadah-tata--

MOM
Never mind, then. We should be on the road by now. We told your Grandmother we’ll be there before 5.

BOBBY
Don’t worry about the wrappings and stuff, Marianne. I'll take care of it.

MOM
Thanks, Bobby. That’s a big help.

JJ
Explain it to me, Mom. Why is it I have to go?

MOM
Because it's Christmas.

JJ
Mom! "Because I say so" is so not a reason!

MOM
I can come up with reasons, but they’ll have to wait till we’re in the car.

JJ
Oh, great! I'm supposed to go 150 miles away from my friends and be miserable for two whole days of my vacation, and on top of that you're going to give me lectures while I'm a prisoner in the car.

MOM
I'll be happy to skip the lectures. Just take my word for it that it’s important.

BOBBY
And it's not two whole days, wimp. It's like twenty six hours.
You'll be back in time for my concert tomorrow night.

MOM
Just try to behave, will you, Jane? You’ll understand better when you’re older.

JJ
How much older? 14, 15, 17? Is that why Bobby doesn’t have to go? Is 17 the magic number?

MOM
That’s one reason. Also, Bobby has a good excuse.

BOBBY
I’ve got a rehearsal.

JJ
I have an excuse. I’ve got a stomach ache.

MOM
Last night that could have passed for an excuse. Now it’s too late.
We’ve said you’ll be there and nothing short of an emergency appendectomy gets you out of it.

JJ
It’s not fair! If Bobby doesn’t have to go, I shouldn’t either.

MOM
Anna Hoffmann Hughes is not Bobby’s grandmother. She’s yours.

JJ
If step grandmothers don’t count, stepmothers don’t either. Bobby, you're a free agent!

MOM
Says who?

BOBBY
Stepmothers count, part of the time. Step grands only count when they want to. Besides, I’m going to my Mom’s family after rehearsal.

JJ
But the Andersons are nice!

BOBBY
They’re nice to you.

JJ
They’re nice to everybody. Aren't they?

BOBBY
They make exceptions for their own blood. You don't get to see it, but the Andersons whip us kids into shape. “Don't sully the family name”. Same as your Gram.

JJ
I don't have Grandma Hughes' name. I have Dad's.

BOBBY
OK -- “Don’t sully the family escutcheon”.

JJ
Escutcheon!?!

BOBBY
It's a blood thing. Name or not, you're related.

JJ
So I should visit a cranky old lady? All Gram does is criticize me, the minute I walk in.

BOBBY
She’s not that bad. Just don’t pay attention.

JJ
See, Mom? Bobby doesn't mind listening to all the boring stuff and how much she disapproves of it all. It isn't fair!

BOBBY
Just zone out.

JJ
It's torture! If I try to change the conversation, Gram slaps me down! So why?

MOM
You tell me.

JJ
Gram likes torture! Giving pain is her idea of fun.

MOM
I've thought that myself, over the years. But there may be other explanations.

JJ
Like what?

BOBBY
Maybe your Gram thinks that's how kids ought to be. Seen but not heard.

MOM
That’s how she and my dad had to behave. Sit in the parlor on a prickly horsehair sofa with their hands folded in their laps. No fidgeting. Never speak unless spoken to.

BOBBY
She thinks she's teaching us manners.

JJ
Nobody does that stuff! You ever see that on TV?

BOBBY
Yeah! In old movies, I have.

JJ
Really old movies. Like about the Nazis.

MOM
Your great-great grandparents were German, born in 1860 something. We must have some relatives who were Nazis.

JJ
Now I really don't want to go!

BOBBY
Did you have to do that "seen but not heard" thing, Marianne? As a kid?

MOM
Once in a while. But mostly kids were sent off to play. The adults would be yakking away, while we could be out in the barn beating each others' brains out, as long as we did it in whispers and nobody snitched.

BOBBY
So you didn't really in fact have to be "good".

MOM
Only quiet.

JJ
Whatever happens is OK as long as it’s quiet.

MOM
I'm describing, not endorsing.

JJ
And Gram gets to say anything, no insulting her back.

MOM
You know that you shouldn't.

JJ
I think I should. Fair’s fair. That's my condition for going.

BOBBY
First, your Gram is old: so forget it. The one you’d be punishing is your Mom.

JJ
If I just have to take it and smile I get sick to my stomach. And I'm going to grow up to hate Christmas! Is that what you want?

MOM
Of course not! We love Christmas! Hasn’t this been a good one? The Nutcracker, and caroling, and finding Adam exactly the whatsis he wanted and--?

BOBBY
My concert tomorrow night!

JJ
It’s been great so far. But Gram’s going to ruin it.

BOBBY
Janey, it's practically over!

JJ
Tonight and tomorrow can ruin everything.

MOM
You really feel that way? You aren't just kevetching?

BOBBY
Tomorrow's Boxing Day, Jane. Go a couple of rounds with Grandma. You can take it.

JJ
Boxing Day isn't that kind of boxing! Is it, Mom?

MOM
The English give each other presents.

BOBBY
In boxes.

JJ
Oh, the present part's really something to look forward to! "Thank you very much Grandma for the peachy keen second hand copy of “101 Tips for Teens”. I plan to memorize it." (gagging sound) Bleeghk!

MOM
All right. You've worn me down. Stay here, I'll face her alone.

JJ
I can stay?

MOM
If Bobby will keep an eye on you.

BOBBY
I can do that. At least till I go to Mom's.

MOM
Jane's old enough to take care of herself. But I'd like to know someone a little older is on backup.

BOBBY
Yeah, well, I can back you up all right. Just say the word and I can make her really really wish she'd gone with you to Grandma's!

JJ
No way, jackass!

MOM
Oh, my. Maybe I'm not up to this. If you and Janey can make me want to strangle you, how in the world am I going to keep from murdering my mother?

BOBBY
Then why are you going?

JJ
Don't say you’re doing it for me!

MOM
I am doing it for you, at least partly...

BOBBY
Is Gram going to leave Jane a fortune?

MOM
Absolutely not! She plans to spend every penny!

JJ
Even if she had millions, she wouldn't. “You kids should stand on your own feet”.

BOBBY
Then why go?

MOM
I go because she’s my mother. And she’s outlived all her friends.

JJ
I can’t believe she ever had friends!

MOM
She did! And trying to figure out what they saw in her is one good reason for going. But even if she were a monster, does she deserve to be alone on Christmas?

JJ
She does if she uses Christmas to hurt us.

MOM
We’re strong. We can take it.

JJ
But why? It's really hard.

MOM
I know. I come so close to falling apart myself, and lashing out at her.

BOBBY
Then maybe it would be best if you stayed away ....?

MOM
I have stayed away, for years at a time. When Janey was young and most vulnerable. But my mother’s part of what we’re made of, Janey and me. Oughtn’t we to make the effort? Try to get along?

JJ
Tell me how, and I’ll try! I have no idea how to please that woman.

MOM
You don’t have to please her, JJ. Being polite and patient is enough.

JJ
She drives me crazy!

MOM
I’m the one who’s crazy! You’re fine. You’re the living proof.

JJ
Living proof of what?

MOM
That we aren’t as bad as she says! We’re only partly Hughes-Hoffmanns, and maybe we can do a little bit better. At least I’d like to think so.

JJ (Hugs Marianne)
Mom, you’re nothing like her! We’re nothing like... (to BOBBY) Are we?

BOBBY
I can see similarities. But no, in terms of relationships, I’d say the two of you are a lot better off than Marianne’s mother is.

MOM
Jane’s a good person! Isn't she?-- a good kid, who can’t do anything to please my Mom-- She's right about that. No more than I ever could. But I bet you that my Mom brags about Jane to her bridge cronies, and tells my brother that his kids should be more like my Jane!

JJ
You’re saying that Gram doesn't really hate me?

BOBBY
She probably thinks she loves you. In her way.

MOM
Which is why she needs for us to show up.

JJ
Jeeze.

MOM
I'm sorry, Janey. (hugs JJ) The truth is, I love it that when Mom says something awful about me, you get mad. And I can't tell you how much it means to me when you manage to be polite while still sticking up for me. You’re the adult, I’m falling apart--

JJ
It’s ok, Mom. Somebody should.

MOM
Your great grandfather? At 15 he decided he wasn’t going take his Dad’s beatings any more. Laid his old man out flat and never went home again. Lied about his age to join the army. I never met my Greatgrands-- the connection was cut completely.

BOBBY
You really feel a need to deal with this? All this ancient history?

MOM
Not if JJ hates it. Her feelings are most important.

JJ
It’s all right, Mom. I can put up with it.

MOM
You will?

BOBBY
Good girl, Sis!

JJ
At least for one more year. But I don’t see why Gram has to ruin particularly Christmas! Can’t we just call her, and go some other time?

BOBBY
Thanksgiving?

JJ
Not Thanksgiving! Why don’t we all visit on her birthday? That’s January, isn’t it?

MOM
January 17th.

JJ
Martin Luther King! Perfect. That’s a cold weekend anyway and might as well be a rough one, for all I care. (sings) "We Shall Overcome."

slow fade

THE END

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