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A Play in One Act
Conventional Behavior
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 1984, 1996
Geralyn Horton
Characters: (all characters wear a convention ID badge with their
name or nickname on it.)
LUNA: stunningly beautiful, mature, dressed in an elaborate costume
that would be appropriate for the Queen of the Night in the Magic
Flute . A very mysterious air. She has a decal-type design that
she sticks onto her forehead, at which time she becomes "invisible"
HAL: early 20's, a graduate student in physics, not an outstanding
physical specimen. He's wearing jeans and a Star Trek tee shirt.
RAY GUNN: early 20's, wearing a flamboyant red spaceman outfit,
complete with boots and cape.
F.E.: early 20's, an earnest wallflower. She's wearing a science
fiction T-shirt, a dozen huge buttons with cute sayings on them,
and a silly electrified beanie.
DARTH VADER: late 30's, costumed as the Star Wars character.
SLAVE GIRL: appears to be in her late teens or early twenties.
Scantily clothed and heavily made up, she wears chains on her
wrists and looks as if she just stepped off the most lurid of
sci-fi book covers.
The action takes place at the annual Science Fiction Convention,
held in a large hotel in downtown Boston. It is the custom (but
not a rule) for a fan to come dressed as a favorite fictional
or movie character. The set is one side of the hall near the public
meeting rooms of the convention hotel. There is a sofa, a matching
chair, a glass coffee table, and a standing ash tray. It would
be amusing as well as appropriate for actors not on in the scene
to walk across in other (completely enveloping) costumes, to add
to the sense of a crowded and bizarre environment.
(HAL, who has been thumbing through his program book. stares at
LUNA. She opens her eyes, removes the tongue-symbol sticker from
her forehead, and looks at him.)
HAL(embarrassed)
Great costume! ( LUNA smiles, ironically)
Bet you win a prize.
LUNA (shakes head)
No.
HAL
It's the best I've seen. The judges are sure to give you at least
a ribbon.
LUNA
They won't.
HAL
Sure! If you keep wearing that. If they see you. I'd be willing
to bet on it.
LUNA
How much?
HAL
Fifty cents? (she laughs)
LUNA
That sure? Very wise. It's one thing to talk when you know nothing,
another to take risks on that ignorance.
HAL (abashed)
I was just making conversation.
LUNA
I know.
HAL
I seem to have put my foot in it. The worst of it is, I don't
even know how it happened: here I am, trying to talk to a girl--
woman-- and here I am all tangled up again.
LUNA
Do you see this sign on my forehead? The tongue? It means I wish
to be alone in the crowd. You are supposed to treat me as if I
were wearing a cloak of invisibility.
HAL
Gosh, I didn't know. I'm sorry.
LUNA
The damage is done. I forgive you.
HAL
What a klutz.
LUNA (pats his knee)
Don't worry about it.
HAL
It's like a curse.
LUNA
More like a cantrip.
HAL
A what?
LUNA
You don't play games?
HAL
No.
LUNA
Neither do I, though most of them think so.
HAL
But you are an old hand?
LUNA
Very, very old.
HAL
I've never done anything like this. I feel so-- weird.
LUNA
That's a good start.
HAL
Huh? Oh-- (laughs) Right! You mean cause everybody else is! That's
what my friend Ken said. He was supposed to take me to this, but
his uncle died. Anyway, he really sold me on coming. Said he looks
forward to the cons all year, you know? Cause women at cons aren't
like regular girls-- I mean like normal-- I mean like --civilians?
LUNA
Mundanes.
HAL
Right! You know what I mean. He said we could talk to you-- them.
Except I can't. Total strike-out.
LUNA
What do you say, usually?
HAL
That's it! What? If I'd known I'd be on my own, I'd've had him
rehearse me. The way he pictured it, all you had to do was walk
into a party.
LUNA
You tried that?
HAL
Last night. I heard there was a one on the nineteenth floor. So
I decided I'd go up to it. I took me forty minutes to get into
an elevator: there were huge crowds and some people had figured
it out so they could be in front of one exactly as it opens and
shove in all their friends. When I finally got on, instead of
going up, it went to the basement and stuck there: some techie's
idea of a joke, I guess. For which I got blamed! I was standing
in front of the buttons, but I never touched them, honest!
LUNA
I believe you.
HAL
They didn't. They were like a lynch mob! They threw me off, and
I had to walk, subbasement to nineteen, 21 floors.
LUNA
Was it worth it?
HAL
I hadn't brought an ID, so I couldn't get a beer. Not that I'm
that big on alcohol, but it might have helped. To deal with Elfs.
Elves. It was decorated all like-- like
LUNA
Their own peculiar world. A fantasy.
HAL
Yeah. And they were standing around being--Them. They all had
big pointed ears and boots and little bits of fur over lots of
skin and they all knew who they were. Do you know what I mean?
Each of them was somebody I was supposed to recognize. But after
about six words they'd realize I didn't recognize, and they'd
just walk away from me. Talk about alien.
(RAY GUNN walks up to HAL, looks questioningly at him. HAL looks
blank. RAY stares at HAL's badge, frowns, turns and walks away.
HAL gives LUNA a pleading look: "You see? What's wrong with
me?")
LUNA
They don't expect everyone to know. If you asked them to tell
you about their characters, explain the fantasy they're in, I
think they'd be glad to.
HAL
You think so?
LUNA
They want something you can give them: confirmation.
HAL
So instead of just saying "great costume", I should've
asked you to explain who you're supposed to be.
LUNA (hostile)
I'm not "supposed to be" anyone. I'm Luna.
HAL
I know that, it says so on your badge. But where's "Luna"
from, a story or a comic book or what?
LUNA (haughty)
I am what I am.
HAL
Oh, God, I'm in it again. Give confirmation, you said! This is
just like talking to one of those Elfs.
LUNA
Don't worry about it. You don't see me walking away.
HAL
Thanks.
LUNA
You can save your confirmation for somebody who needs it.
HAL
If anybody ever will.
LUNA
Do you want to find out?
HAL
Find out?
LUNA
If anybody is waiting for you, if someone will need you.
HAL
How?
LUNA (takes out her cards)
With the Tarot.
HAL
I'd be afraid.
LUNA
She could be very near. Right around the corner. Right here.
HAL(hopeful)
Here?!
LUNA
Not me! I'm old enough to be your mother.
HAL
You certainly don't look it.
LUNA
You must have felt there was something motherly about me, or you
wouldn't have had the nerve to talk to me.
HAL
You may be on to something there. Although I'd say when I first
saw you the feeling I had was-- stunned. You're so beautiful I
don't think I thought you were real.
LUNA
In the sense you mean, I'm not. If I were younger--
HAL
I'm not an age-ist!
LUNA (puts the cards in his hands)
Or a coward? Come, tell me. Do you want me to read your fortune
or not?
HAL
Can you?
LUNA
I've offered.
HAL
What do we do?
LUNA
Shuffle them. While you do that, Close your eyes (he does) and
think about your question.
(he drops cards)
HAL(opens eyes, picks up)
What question?
LUNA
Love. You want to learn about your heart.
HAL
Oh. (sees The SLAVE GIRL ) Right. (The SLAVE GIRL rushes in. She
is very
scantily dressed in a harem-type outfit, with bracelet- chains
on her wrists)
SLAVE GIRL
Have you seen a Darth Varder? I mean recently? Did one just come
through here?
LUNA
I haven't seen him.
SLAVE GIRL
What about you?
HAL
Me?
SLAVE GIRL
Have you seen Darth Vader?
HAL
You mean in the movies?
SLAVE GIRL
Here, now!
HAL
Here, now? All I see is you.
SLAVE GIRL
Shit! (exits)
HAL
Did you hear that? Shit, that's what she said to me!
LUNA(spreads out Tarot)
Don't be discouraged. Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Now
choose a card. It'll be your significator.
HAL
This one?
LUNA
The Lovers! From the Major Arcana. You see? You can draw Love
to you. But it's upside down. Your fears are doing that. This
card covers you.
HAL
So if I were to--?
LUNA (laying them out)
The Chariot: this crosses you. The past, five of cups; passing,
seven of wands, and the princess of wands crowns you--
HAL
Is that good? (Enter DARTH Vader. He strides up to HAL and challenges
him.)
DARTH
"Photons alert!?"
HAL (password reply)
"Ready on the astrogage!"
DARTH (indicates LUNA, who has taken up a meditative posture,
eyes closed.)
Dominion A-2. Is she all right?
HAL
Uh.. she was! (LUNA puts the sticker on her forehead)
DARTH (flashes an ID.)
O.K. For the next hour-- well, it's only 47 minutes now, it's
taken me a while to locate all my operatives-- you are to display
this blue patch on your badge. At exactly 3 pm, take it off. You
got that?
HAL (nods)
3 pm take it off.
DARTH
Right. What time do you have now?
HAL (checks watch)
2:15.
DARTH
It's 2:13 and 27 seconds.
HAL
Oh.
DARTH
Synchronize!
HAL
Oh. Right. 2:13 and..?
DARTH
22. -- (HAL fiddles with watch)-- 21 --- 20--. What are you doing?
HAL
Trying to set it.
DARTH
Give it here.(sets watch) There.
HAL
Thanks. Sir.
DARTH
3 to 1 you're in software.
HAL
Actually, I'm still in grad school.
DARTH
Stay out of lab courses. You and three more could maybe screw
in a lightbulb.
HAL
So--ah-- how's this blue patch supposed to work?
DARTH
Our agents are aware. You'll be contacted. Just be sure you check
them out before you show your ID and transmit: we can't tell how
long it'll take the Illuminati to crack us. Hopefully, changing
the sign every hour will throw them off.
HAL
Uh. Right. Will you be the one to give me the 4 pm sign?
DARTH
That's classified. You don't have need-to-know clearance.
HAL
Right. Yes, sir.
DARTH
You could be captured.
HAL
I could?
( Enter F.E. She's plain, wears glasses, and is dressed in jeans
and a SF-slogan T-Shirt with about a dozen slogan-buttons pinned
to it. On her head is a silly space beanie. She comes over to
discard a cookie-wrapper in the ashtray next to Hal, but lingers
to eavesdrop.)
DARTH
What are you, a krep? Or is this your first year?
HAL
Uh-it is my first.
DARTH (seeing FE, suspicious)
Well, don't expect a Dominion to waste his time briefing you.
Consult the manual, kreppie, consult the manual.
(exit DARTH)
FE
You're in one of those role-playing games?
HAL
Uh--yeah.
FE
I thought about doing that. Is it a good way to meet people?
(HAL looks at LUNA , who opens her eyes and winks at him.)
HAL
I don't know yet.
FE
Last year I went to the writer's workshop. But even though I felt
real close to some of those people at the time, later on in the
con they walked right by me.
HAL
Maybe they're shy.
FE
You think so?
HAL
I've heard that about writers.
FE
That's what I thought! I figured I'd be comfortable with them,
even though I've only written like six pages of this one story.
But I love writers! I mean, I almost worship them, from afar.
Except here at the Convention, it's not so far, is it? They're
walking around and talking on the panels, and even dancing! Can
you imagine that? Yesterday I actually danced with Larry Niven!
HAL
Uh--Wow.
FE
You wouldn't imagine that he'd be dancing, would you? Especially
not old fashioned: I mean maybe a fox trot, like probably that's
what was on when he was in high school, maybe you figure he might
do that. But this was Contra! At The Regency Ball! I was dancing
with this woman dressed as a pirate, doing The Congress Of Vienna,
and we went down the set and changed partners and there I was,
holding hands with Larry Niven!
HAL
Impressive.
FE
You're not impressed.
HAL
Yeah, I am. I didn't even known they had a ball here. It's what
did you call it?
FE
Regency.
HAL
Regency. What world is that?
FE
It's History. Or Romance. But don't ask me why they have it in
with science fiction, because I haven't any idea. Except that
people must think it's another excuse to get dressed up and prance
around having fun.
HAL
I guess that's the point, isn't it? Fun?
FE (suspicious)
You aren't a media-freak, are you?
HAL
A what? (A 2nd DARTH enters. HAL jumps to attention) Sir!
DARTH
Lay off, will you? You're looking for the other one.
(enter SLAVE GIRL)
SLAVE GIRL
Shit! That wasn't him was it?
HAL
Who?
SLAVE GIRL
You know who. My master: Darth. The Dominion. Has he been through
here yet?
HAL
Have you got the word?
SLAVE GIRL
No, I haven't got the fucking word! Get out of your stupid fantasy,
will you? This is real: just tell me if the Darth Vader who thinks
he's major domo to the king of the universe has been through here
yet or not?
FE
Are you supposed to keep it secret?
SLAVE GIRL
You have seen him!
HAL
I can't say unless I know you're on our side!
SLAVE GIRL
I'm not on anybody's side! I'm on mine! Oh, God, why can't you
people grow up!
LUNA (takes off sticker)
Tell her.
HAL
About five minutes ago.
SLAVE GIRL
Thanks. Headed which way?
HAL
Up the escalator.
SLAVE GIRL (kisses Hal)
You're a doll!
HAL
Oh God. I think I died and went to heaven.
FE
What you did: telling her; was that ok?
HAL
I don't care: It was worth it! I've been playing this game for
two days now, and I still haven't figured out exactly what's going
on. I thought, well, it's like coming in to the middle of a movie,
it'll come clear--
FE
You are a media-freak!
HAL
I'm a what?
FE
A movie fan?
HAL
I don't see many movies. I've got a heavy schedule at school.
FE
Trekkie?
HAL
A couple of episodes.
FE
I knew it! You're so much , you don't even know what it is. I
bet you never heard of Larry Niven!
HAL
Sure I have!
FE
Who is he?
HAL
A writer. A science fiction writer.
FE
Uh huh. Name one of his books. Name three other writers.
HAL
Uh.. Asimov..
FE
Tell me who won last year's Nebula.
HAL
Look, I don't mean to pretend to be one of the real fans.
FE
Fen.
HAL
Huh?
FE
The real fen. The plural of fan is fen.
HAL
I just started reading sci-fi last--
FE
It's not sci-fi, you ignorant jerk! Only mundanes call it sci-fi!
I bet you just came here to get laid!
HAL
What'd I say? (Re-Enter RAY GUNN, space pirate. This time he spots
HAL's blue patch )
RAY
Blue to blue.
HAL
Uh, yeah?
RAY
You got the word?
HAL
If you do. (RAY whispers. HAL whispers back) Ready on the Astrogabe-
And the ID sign? ( RAY flashes something, pulls HAL aside)
RAY
Are the women friendlies?
HAL
Neutrals.
RAY
So introduce me. All play and no work--
(RAY starts smiling toward FE, but after a closer look changes
his mind)
Never mind. The message is we've been cracked. Only give what
you've got if you are absolutely sure.
And watch out for the Spider Woman. We don't know what she's wearing,
but she's
extremely dangerous. If she gets a hold of you she'll get what
you got, and we're dead meat.
HAL
What I've got? What should I--?
RAY
Stay right here. I'll be back. They're tailing me: got to shake
my tail.
(pause. HAL & FE look at each other)
FE
Listen, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I know what that's
like . It's not your fault.
HAL
That's ok. I feel out of place, anyway. Maybe I shouldn't-
FE
I'm not trying to pry. I mean, I set out to be friendly.
HAL
Me, too.
FE
Are you from around here?
HAL
Uh-huh. Harvard. Are you?
FE
I used to be, but just this year my family moved to Berlin.
HAL
Wow. That's a long way.
FE
It certainly isn't as easy as it used to be, when I could just
take a trolly from my house to the hotel every day. But no matter
how hard it is to get here, there's no way I was going to give
up this Con.
HAL
It's that important, huh?
FE
Reality is just an escape for people who haven't the guts to face
science fiction.
HAL
I think I've seen that on a button.
FE
What's your name?
HAL
Hal.
FE
Like the computer in 2001.
HAL
Just like him. What's yours?
FE
F.E.
HAL
Effie? That's nice. Sort of old fashioned and homely.
FE
Homely!
HAL
Home-like. Down-home.
FE
You were right the first time. F.E. It's not a name, it's Initials.
Stands for homely.
HAL
I don't get it.
FE
F E. Four Eyes. That's what the kids called me. I wear glasses,
I read all the time.
HAL
A lot of people seem to have Con names, they pick their own. That's
Luna.
FE
Hi, Luna. (LUNA puts her sticker back on)
HAL
Shh.. don't talk to her. She's invisible.
FE
Oh.
HAL
So. What's your other name? I can call you that.
FE
Never mind. I'm used to FE. I guess it suits me. After all, having
four eyes ought to be an advantage, shouldn't it? See more, know
more.
HAL
I like to read too.
FE
You're just saying that so I won't think you're a media-freak.
HAL
No, really! In high school the kids called me Worm, short for
Bookworm. But it wasn't until last year that my college roommate
turned me on to Sci-fi-- oops! Sorry.
FE
SF. Call it SF.
HAL
But I am really interested. I've even thought that with my physics
background, maybe some day I could write it myself.
FE
You, too? Oh, God, that's my dream! But getting started is so
hard.
HAL
What about this workshop?
FE
That was last year.
HAL
It wasn't worth going back?
FE
It's not that. You should go: they could help you.
HAL
But they didn't help you.
FE
The problem was... I critiqued this one guy's story: I mean it
was really well done, I could tell that, although I didn't know
anything about the particular setting, where it took place in
the military. This is after a kind of an alternative WWII, where
the Japanese had won and these American airmen were hiding out
on an island, and like, turning into Cannibals-- which I guess
is thematically profound-
HAL
At least to some people.
FE
That's what I said! But I told the writer I thought it was brilliant,
but didn't he feel funny putting himself inside the mind of a
guy who would eat people? And he really took that personally,
like I'd insulted him. You know what he said to me? Right in front
of the whole group?
HAL
What?
FE
I was so embarassed! He said, "Don't worry, honey, nobody'd--"
O, shit, why am I telling you this?
LUNA (sticker off)
Mercury in your third house.
FE
How do you know?
LUNA
You're Gemini, aren't you? With Virgo rising.
FE
Gemini, yeah. I don't know about the rising.
LUNA
You get in your own way.
FE
I do?
HAL
I think you do, FE.
FE
Oh, shit.
HAL
You're not the only one!
LUNA
I see a lot of it. Look at this spread. Here's--
SLAVE GIRL
Do you have a room?
HAL
I beg your pardon?
SLAVE GIRL
Are you staying at the hotel?
HAL
Yes, I am.
SLAVE GIRL
There isn't anybody up in your room right now having sex or anything,
is there? Roomates?
HAL
My roommate couldn't come. His uncle died.
SLAVE GIRL
Great!
FE
What've you got against his uncle?
SLAVE GIRL
Nothing! I'm just glad about the room.
HAL
I'm not. He offered to help pay anyway, but how could accept that?
It's not his fault.
SLAVE GIRL
But it leaves the coast clear! Don't you think maybe it's fate?
FE (to LUNA)
Is it?
LUNA
I don't think so.
SLAVE GIRL
Let's go up to your room, OK?
HAL
You and me?
SLAVE GIRL
Isn't that what you want?
FE
Well, we were having a conversation.
SLAVE GIRL
You want to bring her, too?
FE
Three?
HAL
Together?
LUNA
There's all sorts of possibilities.
SLAVE GIRL
Look-- I don't care. At this point, whatever you want. Just let
me have your key, will you? I've got to get out of here before
anybody sees me. You come up later and--
HAL
Why don't you do like Luna, put that sign on your forehead and
be invisible.
SLAVE GIRL
Who's invisible?
FE
She is.
HAL
Was.
FE
Must have have been, You certainly never noticed her.
HAL
If you were to--
SLAVE GIRL
Just give me your key, please! I'll owe you. Anything! (LUNA puts
on the sticker)
HAL (gets out key)
If it's that important--
SLAVE GIRL (takes key)
Thanks. You're saving my life. (looks ) Oh, shit, I'm dead! You're
sure she's invisible?
(dives under LUNA's cloak)
(DARTH walks up, looks the group over. HAL comes to attention.)
HAL
Sir!
DARTH
At ease, krep. (exits)
RAY
Dominion A-2!
DARTH
Later!
HAL
Is it a crisis?
RAY
Depends on how you figure it. Darth is out to lunch, some kind
of a personal problem. A straying girlfriend if you want my educated
guess, and meanwhile he's hunting whoever, the Game seems to be
on hold.
HAL
I'm just as glad.
RAY
Me, too. It's time to get down to the real meat and potatoes of
Con business.
FE
There's an excellent panel on galactic sociobiology scheduled
at 4:30.
RAY
Are you kidding? That's for SMOFs!
HAL (to LUNA)
What's a SMOF (LUNA doesn't answer)
FE
It's creeps like you who give this convention a bad name! It's
supposed to be for readers serious about--
RAY
Partying! Wine, women, and song!
HAL
What's a SMOF?
SLAVE GIRL (peeking out)
A Snotty Moldy Old Fan! Now stop looking at us! We're invisible!
RAY (con't)
That kind of authoritarian bullshit makes me want to Berserker!
(pulls out toy raygun and shoots flashes) Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak! Where
do you get off, cutting out the heart, the dick, puking all over
our good healthy aggressive wish-fulfilling cathartic play! The
name of the game is Rebellion! (punctuates his speech with ray-shots)
Us against them! Son against the Father! Brother against Big Brother!
Individual against the Empire! So don't come to me with peckerpockkin
regulations, we're here as free spirits! Let the rays glow, the
spirits flow, and the fucking Force be with you! Ak-ak-ak-ak!
(enter DARTH)
DARTH
Better put that away, soldier. If you don't want it confiscated.
RAY
It's just a toy.
DARTH
Policy is policy.
RAY
Yes, sir.
HAL
Any orders?
DARTH
Not now. I'm looking for my daughter. You haven't seen her, have
you?
FE
Your little girl is lost?
DARTH
She was supposed to meet me in the con suite 20 minutes ago.
HAL
Kids have no concept of time.
RAY
Have you tried Japanamation? The young 'uns love that.
DARTH
She's not allowed to watch that drek.
FE
I hope you checked it anyway. Seems to me if you've forbidden
it, that's probably where she is.
DARTH
I'm afraid you're right. I'll check it out again. If I don't find
her she'll have to go without dinner: we're supposed to meet with
the Oversight Committee in the Golden Key in five minutes.
FE
Don't give up. When she discovers how late it is and realizes
she's missed you, she'll be terribly worried, won't she? Maybe
paniced.
DARTH
If I don't find her soon, panic'll be the least of her problems!
(exits)
HAL
Poor guy!
RAY
Poor guy! Come off it! A classic control freak! He probably puts
that poor little kid through calisthenics every night instead
of a bedtime story, right after he lines her up for inspection
in her striped pajamas. The Oversight Committee, for cripes sake!
These are the leaders we've allowed to run amok: when we should
be running amok ourselves! Anarchy forever! (shoots gun) Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!
FE
Put that away!
HAL
Can I see it?
RAY (shows gun)
Sure.
HAL
Where'd you get it?
RAY
I made it. Clever, huh? I'm a Filthy Huckster, and I've got about
300 more of them downstairs at my booth, if you're interested.
FE
You're not supposed to have them outside of the costume party
room. You heard what he said about the weapons policy.
RAY
Policy, smolicy. What do you expect from a guy who'd dress up
as Darth Vader?
SLAVE GIRL
What's wrong with Darth Vader?
RAY
The whole myth! That Lucas ought to be strung up by his thumbs.
SLAVE GIRL
Why?
RAY
Who's the hero of the original Star Wars? Even smofs know that.
FE & HAL
Luke Skywalker.
RAY
Right. And who's the heroine?
SLAVE GIRL
Princess Laia.
RAY
Right. And Luke goes through the trials and the training and he
rescues her and then what? Sheeps eyes, then they turn out to
be brother and sister! What kind of mythology is that?
FE
Norse, I think.
HAL
Sigmund and Siglinde.
RAY
Only if they do it! Then we're into tragedy: in which vice may
be nice but incest is definitely best. But for romance, brother
and sister just doesn't make it.
SLAVE GIRL
But Laia's paired up with Han Solo.
RAY
Han, ha! She hates him! No, worse; right til the end of part three,
she thinks he's boring!
SLAVE GIRL
Boring is worse. Boring is the pits.
RAY
But she's wrong. She's the one who's boring. Terminal. OD'd on
goodness. Like Lucus. Oh, maybe he started out to lock into some
primal source-
SLAVE GIRL
Like the Force.
RAY
But by the time he invented the Ewoks!
SLAVE GIRL
I love Ewoks! They're so cute!
FE
Disney. But Disney at least remembers that even cartoons have
to have character. Myth without quirks, without a mess for a past
and people who care--
RAY
Cute! That's my point! Hundreds of million dollars for cute. The
new Homer he's not!
FE
Have you read the old Homer?
RAY & SLAVE GIRL
No, but I saw the movie! (they laugh)
FE
You're two of a kind.
SLAVE GIRL
I think so, too. Who are you?
RAY
Didn't I introduce myself? I'm Ray Gunn, Cosmic Slaver! The man
with the magic weapon. You see this?
FE & HAL
Put that away! No weapons!
RAY
Do you seriously mean to contend that anyone no matter how paranoid
could possibly mistake this item for a threat to life? Oh, no!
This gun is not a lethal weapon, quite the contrary: this, ladies
and gents, is my galactic sex pistol! Yes, sir, one blast with
this and the lucky female is enslaved, a prisoner of rampaging
lust!
(RAY aims his gun at SLAVE GIRL, who mimes receiving pleasurable
wounds and then staggers into RAY's arms. He hoists her up and
throws her over his shoulder.)
Your place or mine? Before you answer, I've got to warn you that
my place is full of 14 roaring fen from Worcester, sleeping off
Saturday night.
SLAVE GIRL (shaking HAL's key)
My place! Definitely mine.
HAL (protests)
But that's---
RAY
Give our love to Big Brother if he should drop by, and tell him
operative 32-C is temporarily inoperative. Or hyperoperative.
Or on a different wavelength. Now, is this or is this not a great
con? His sister, for cripesake! Worse, her father is Darth Vade
(exit)
SLAVE GIRL (carried out)
But Ray-- MY father is Darth Vader.
FE
Don't be too upset.
HAL
I can't help it.
FE
I know. Girls like that, guys can't help it.
LUNA
It was never in the cards.
HAL
She's got my room key. They're crazy, both of them. I could be
sued for damages. Who knows what they may do up there?
FE
We know.
LUNA
There's not usually much associated property damage.
FE
Unless you count broken hearts.
HAL
They don't have hearts: they're all hormones!
FE
What about yours?
HAL
Luna's doing a reading.
(Enter DARRTH, who rushes up to HAL, yanks him out of his seat
and shakes him)
DARTH
All right, what have you done with her?
HAL
What? With who?
DARTH
Don't play innocent! My little girl! Where is she, you slimeball?
HAL
I don't know! I don't know!
DARTH
It won't do you any good to try to lie. There's witnesses! You
were seen kissing her less than half an hour ago.
HAL
That's your little girl? The bimbo with the---?
DARTH (punches HAL)
Watch your filthy mouth!
FE (goes to help HAL)
Hal!
LUNA
How old is she? Your daughter?
DARTH
Young enough that that piece of scum could go to jail! Fifteen.
She's fifteen.
FE
Going on 40!
DEATH
Just who are you?
FE
I'm Hal's friend, and I've been here all the time, and I saw how
your precious little girl came up and threw herself all over my
innocent friend here. Who had no way of knowing she wasn't aged
and experienced enough to have crawled out of the sewers of Venus,
from the way she acts. All Hal did was let her kiss him. What
was he supposed to do, fend her off with a whip? It's not his
fault she wants to defy you! So I'm not going to stand here and
watch you bully him and try to blame him because you were so wrapped
up in your own fantasy world you've failed as a father. Blame
yourself!
DARTH (sinks down, head in hands)
O God, it's true. What am I going to do?
FE
For one thing, you could see that she wears a costume made out
of more than six inches of material.
DARTH
When we left the house she was dressed as R2D2. I don't know where
that obscene outfit came from.
FE
She could have had it hidden in her purse--
LUNA
In her pocket--
HAL
In her sock--
FE
In a thimble! It's small enough.
DARTH
What can I do? I can't watch her every minute.
HAL
The chains aren't a bad idea.
LUNA
A young woman needs some freedom to find herself.
DARTH
Just last year she was decorating doll houses and was afraid to
ride on the bus! She can't grow up that fast. She'll only get
hurt.
LUNA
At that age a year's a long time. Her body matures -
HAL
It sure has.
LUNA
It's urging her to explore--
DARTH
It's urging her to get pregnant, that's what! We can't give in
to that! She'll get gonorrhea, she'll get AIDS! Oh my God, she's
only 15.
LUNA
One year older than Juliet.
FE
I don't think that's a very comforting comparison.
DARTH
Dead. She could be dead right now. She could have gone off with
some sadistic psychopath--
FE
Not at a Con!
DARTH
No? Look at them! Half the costumes are S&M: right out of
a nightmare. Conan the Barbarian. Elrick. The Terminator,--
HAL
Darth Vader.
LUNA
I think you're distressing yourself unnecessarily.
DARTH
If she isn't with him, she could be anywhere. I've checked every
public place within a 6-block radius.
LUNA
I think you'd better tell him.
DARTH
Tell me what?
FE
We know where she is.
DARTH
You do? Where?
HAL
In my room.
DARTH (shaking him)
In your room! You skungy, meally-mouthed pervert! I'll break every
--!
FE (pounding on DARTH)
Let go of him! Let him alone!
LUNA
Calm down! Hal's not been anywhere near her! If a chivalrous impulse
is wrong--
DARTH
Where is she? What's the number?
LUNA
Don't tell him--
DARTH (turns on LUNA)
What--!
LUNA
Until he's calm.
DARTH
I'm calm.
LUNA
We'll go up together, and talk in a civilized manner with your
daughter and her young man--
DARTH
Young man! Aarrgg!
LUNA (soothing)
Remembering what it's like to be young and in an atmosphere of
freedom and fantasy, and to find oneself attracted and attractive
to a member of the opposite sex. You do remember, don't you? You
must: a handsome man like you. What were you up to year before
last, for instance? While your daughter was watching a double
feature of The Sword In the Stone and Forbidden Planet?
DARTH
How do you know about that?
LUNA
Luna knows all. Luna sees into the past and the future. It's only
the present that's sometimes a little hard to manage. (to HAL)
Room 2203?
HAL (nods, astonished)
Room 2203. (LUNA and DARTH exit arm in arm)
HAL
I'm not sure, but I think that woman may have just saved my life.
FE
Her? What about me?
HAL
Effie, you were wonderful. I don't know how to thank you.
FE
That's OK.
HAL
No, really. You were like a tigress.
FE
Or She-Ra. (they laugh.)
HAL
Gee. I wonder how I'll ever get my key back.
FE
You could go up there.
HAL
Are you kidding? I'd rather walk into a cave full of dragons.
FE
I could go with you.
HAL
No thanks!
FE
I guess you're right. You shouldn't go near any of those people
again without at least 6 tenth-level spells and your own cloak
of invisibility!
HAL
Maybe they'll turn my key in at the desk. If not, it's dark and
carpeted in the auditorium where they show the all-night movies.
I can sack out on the floor there.
FE
Oh, no. You don't have to do that. You can stay with me.
HAL
With you?
FE
I have a room here. 2106.
HAL
Won't your roommates mind?
FE
I don't have any roommates. I did have: one, but she ran into
the guy she met here last year and moved over in with him. So
there's plenty of space.
HAL
That's awfully nice of you.
FE
Well, uh.. it's a really great room. It's a shame to waste...
I mean, I've got a corner window, you can look right down on the
church spires and see straight across the river to MIT. It's beautiful.
Especially at night.
HAL
Sounds great.
FE
Would you like to go up now and take a look?
HAL
Yeah. I would. (they exit, holding hands)
LIGHTS DOWN END OF SCENE ONE
EPILOGUE: The Next Day
(SLAVE GIRL, now dressed in what is very likely her father's enveloping
jacket, make-up scrubbed off and hair ponytailed, looking very
young, is sitting on the sofa. RAY GUNN, still with his hat and
cape, but otherwise in ordinary dress, enters)
SLAVE GIRL
Oh, God. You came.
RAY
I told you I would.
SLAVE GIRL
I was so embarrassed. I thought I'd die.
RAY
With parents, what'd you expect?
SLAVE GIRL
You must hate me.
RAY
No! It's not your fault. You're entitled, as far as I'm concerned.
I didn't mind the fuss, really. I'm just sorry he broke us up.
SLAVE GIRL
Really?
RAY
Really.
SLAVE GIRL
O, God, and now it's too late! We'll never be together, never!
RAY
Hey, what'ya mean, too late? You're fifteen years old, you got
your whole life.
SLAVE GIRL
He'll lock me up.
RAY
We'll all be back next year.
SLAVE GIRL
By next year you'll have forgotten me.
RAY
Not if you don't me.
SLAVE GIRL
A whole year! A year is forever!
RAY
Maybe at your age.
SLAVE GIRL
A year ago I wasn't even a person.
RAY
By next year you may be a goddess. Or a sybil, like that Luna
character.
SLAVE GIRL
I don't want to be a goddess. Just a woman. Can't Daddy see that?
I'm a woman in love!
RAY
Uh, yeah. Well, kid, we could've had a ball. But as it is-
SLAVE GIRL
We can email.
RAY
Not really. I travel around so much--- course, if I get a laptop---
SLAVE GIRL
Then telephone! You've still got my number?
RAY (pats pocket)
Right here.
SLAVE GIRL
But hang up if a man answers.
RAY
You've got to remember, this is a toll call.
DARTH (offstage)
Jeanine!
SLAVE GIRL
O God!
RAY
I've gotta go.
SLAVE GIRL (kisses RAY)
No! Don't leave me!
RAY (prying her off)
Sweetie, I've got to! I said I didn't mind the fuss. I didn't
mean I wanted to go through it all over again!
SLAVE GIRL
O God, I think I'm going to die. I wish I'd never never come!
RAY (shoots raygun)
Ak-ak-ak-ak! See you next year!
LIGHTS DOWN. UP AGAIN ON FE and HAL. FE has two suitcases, HAL
his knapsack. Both are wearing ordinary clothes with jackets over
them liberally strewn with buttons. They have their arms around
each other-- or as near as they can come, burdened with luggage.)
FE
Well, I guess this is it. (they kiss, gently)
HAL (nods)
It's over. I guess now I know how Romeo felt.
FE
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
HAL
But you'll be here next year? You're sure?
FE
Oh, yes. I'd never miss it.
HAL
Then I will be too.
FE
You're just saying that. You feel you ought to be gallant, because
of last night. But you don't have to pretend. Even if we never
see each other again, I'll have a precious memory.
HAL
We'll see each other! If only it weren't so far-- I don't have
a lot of flexibility while I'm in school. I'd planned to work
this summer, but maybe I can come over and see you. If I can swing
it. And meantime, we'll write.
FE
Or telephone.
HAL
Email. I did give you my email?
F E
The telephone’s warmer. I mean, your voice means I’m
not reading a story, or making the whole thing up--
HAL
Sure, telephone. The rates aren't that bad, if you believe the
ads. (picks up FE's suitcase) And I'll go with you now to the
airport.
FE
The airport? Why?
HAL
Because I want to be with you as long as I can. Because I care.
What time's your plane?
FE
No time. I'm taking the bus.
HAL
Oh. To New York?
FE
Why would I go to New York? Lunacon's not til April.
HAL
To get your plane. To Berlin.
FE
I'm not flying to Berlin.
HAL
You're taking a boat?
FE
A boat?
HAL
Teleporting? How else can you get from here to Germany? There's
a little matter of the Atlantic Ocean.
FE
Hal, I live in Berlin, Massachusetts. Off route 495, sort of on
the outskirts of Worcester. Not so very far from Cambridge. Maybe
60 miles.
HAL
Cambridge? What's Cambridge got to do with it?
FE
Cambridge, Mass. The site of Harvard University. Harvard: Where
you claim to go to school.
HAL
I don't go to Harvard. I live in Harvard. Near Boxboro. I go to
school at Worcester Polytech, which if you're telling the truth
about Berlin, though I've never heard of it, is--
FE
Not very far. Not far at all!
HAL
I've got a bicycle. Have you got a bicycle?
FE
I've got a car. It's a fifteen minute ride.
HAL
I'll be able to ride over and borrow your books. Learn to appreciate
Larry Niven.
FE
Fuck Larry Niven.
HAL
Don't you dare. Nobody but me.
FE
Oh God, I'm so happy! Fifteen minutes away!
HAL
I think it was fate. (they exit together)
LUNA
It was. I could have told them.
DARTH (in ordinary clothes)
What about us?
LUNA
No. There is no us.
DARTH
At least next year.
LUNA
Next year you'll come with your wife.
DARTH
You can't know that. Nobody here's ever met her.
LUNA
But I told you. I'm not anybody here. You've never seen me before,
have you?
DARTH
No, but---
LUNA
Don't worry about it, then. This is the last and I hope the best
of your flings. By next year your wife will be a convert. She'll
start reading s/f, and playing war games, and you'll come to the
convention together and have a wonderful time, in spite of the
effort you'll have to share to keep your daughter out of the arms
of all the young men. Believe me or not: but don't look for me.
The door between our worlds will have shut behind me. There won't
be a lonely young man with the imagination to open it.
THE END
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