A One Act Play

Regency Romance

By G. L. Horton
copyright © 1981, 1999 Geralyn Horton

	See pictures from Gettysburg College independent play festival

CHARACTERS:

ED MURRAY: late 20's, a carpenter

SANDY PERRINI 28, works as an assembler in an electronics plant

MARY SULLIVAN 29, part-time waitress at Riley's Pub

Chuckie Sullivan 4, Mary's son. Chuckie has no lines, and is asleep most of the time. If no tractable, adorable kid is available, use a big doll.

Time/Place/Scene:In the fantasy within the play, Ed becomes Edward, Marquis of Inglewood, and Sandy is the heroine, Miss Cassandra Shipping. Mary plays, in succession: Sebastian Shipping, 22, Cassandra's brother; Hollow-Leg Peg, 40, a brothel-keeper; Lady Killburn, 60, a Grande Dame; a supercillious French Maid; Kitty Needles, 18, a wide-eyed maid from Shropshire; and Lady Vanessa Rivvage, 35, a sophisticated wanton. The Marquis, being wholly imaginary, wears full Regency rig, but the women transform themselves by turning ordinary household objects (an umbrella, a showercap, a lampshade) into the props and costumes for their fantasy.

The play is set in Sandy's apartment in Charlestown, a working-class section of Boston. Its furnishings are basic Salvation Army, but Sandy's obsession with the Romantic has influenced the lines of the furniture, and the fabric and bric a brac she's chosen.

(SANDY and ED enter from the hall.)

SANDY
You want another beer or anything? Pizza always makes me thirsty.

ED
Naw, not right now. Pizza makes me -- uh -- hot. You know: romantic.

SANDY
Pizza?

ED
Yeah. Hot stuff. I think it's the pepperoni.

SANDY
Oh.

ED
So why don't we just... ? (starts to unbutton his shirt and head for bedroom)

SANDY
I thought maybe we could...you know... talk first.

ED
Talk? Aw, come on. (embraces her)

MARY (enters from bedroom, carrying the paperback Romance she's been reading.)
Sandy? I hope you don't mind, I used the key under the mat.

ED (buttoning)
Jesus!

SANDY (embarassed)
Oh, hi, Mary. No, you know I'm always glad to have you.

MARY
Chuckie's asleep in your bed.

SANDY
There's nothing wrong, is there?

MARY
Not with Chuckie.

SANDY
Charlie?

MARY
He's asleep too. I wonder how long it'll take him to notice I've gone!

SANDY
Oh, Mary!

ED (left out and annoyed)
Hey, uh.... aren't you going to get us some beer?

SANDY
Oh, yeah, sure. You want a beer, Mary? Or a glass of wine?

MARY
Wine'll be fine. I made myself a sandwich. (plate)

(SANDY goes to get drinks)

ED
So, uh... how's it going, Mary?

MARY
Rotten, thanks.

ED
Still like working down to Riley's?

MARY
It's OK.

ED
I keep telling Sandy she should try to get them to take her on down there. She's always bitching about how boring it is to see nothing but circuits..

MARY
I don't think she'd like it.

SANDY
Like what? (hands ED a bottle)
Here.

MARY
Handing out beers for a living.

ED
What's wrong with that?

MARY
Nothing, 15 hours a week, to get out of the house. Full time...

SANDY
(pouring wine for herself and Mary)
Is burgundy all right?

MARY
What year?
(they giggle)

SANDY
Vintage '95. (they toast, elaborately) To us!

ED (shakes his head, left out again)
Always something.

SANDY
You can stay as long as you need to, Mary.

ED
You wanta move in?!?

MARY
Do I have to get your permission?

ED
Maybe...

MARY
Congratulations! Since when?

SANDY
Ed, Mary's got some kind of problem, and we're going to need to talk about it.

ED
Girl talk.

SANDY AND MARY
Right.

ED
OK, OK! (prowling) Where's your T.V.?

SANDY
Broken.

ED
Broken?! But I was planning to watch the fight at nine!

SANDY (outraged at the sexual slight)
I thought you were planning to....?

ED
Afterwards, watch it afterwards.

SANDY (looks at her watch, angry)
Twenty minutes from now! That's how long were you going to allow?

ED
Don't start on me. (pause)
I don't see how you can get along without a TV. No news..

SANDY
I read a lot.

ED
Yeah. All that romance junk. My Mom sucks up that crap, too.Candlelight of the month club. Jesus, it's kinda spooky to think your own Mom's into pornography! "Bodice Rippers"! I mean I can see it with some poor slob in a raincoat, but when you and Mary got a chance for the real thing!

SANDY
My books aren't like that!

ED
Oh yeah? (takes one out) Look at the pictures! I mean, it really makes the place look sleazy, this trash piled all around with the covers showing. Tits out to here! Pages to describe the fancy clothes, and then the guy rips em off..(playfully whips up Sandy's blouse.)

SANDY (slaps his hand)
Ed Murray, you are just too gross!

ED
Me?

MARY
Hey, uh....I can take Chuckie and go over to my mother's...

ED (drains beer)
Naw, I'll watch the fight down to the bar. You girls won't miss me. (heads for door)

SANDY (crosses towards him)
I'll see you for the movie on Friday.

ED
Friday? Naw, Friday's off. I got a ticket to the Bruins.

SANDY
Without me?

ED
Can't figure you girls out. You were pissed when I dragged you along, now you're pissed I'm going by myself.

SANDY
Don't tax your brain about it. I'll see you around.
(he exits)
Dear God in heaven, give me strength!

MARY
I'm sorry if I messed up your love life.

SANDY
Love! If this is love, I'd rather have a salami sandwich!

MARY (offering hers)
Want half of mine?

SANDY
I want champagne, caviar, lobster patties, syllabub...

MARY
What IS syllabub?

SANDY
I forget. I looked it up, but I forget. Whatever, it's something I never get around here!

MARY
Well, we all try to put up with what we can get, don't we?

SANDY (begins undressing. Over the next few minutes she gets into her white empire nightgown)
I'm forgetting all about you! Did you have a bad fight?

MARY
No fight at all, really. I just took a look at Red, asleep in his chair, and I got the urge to find out what'd happen if when he woke up I was gone.

SANDY
You've left him?

MARY
I don't think I'm serious. Probably nothing that can't be cured by a good --- trash fix! (holds up paperback)

SANDY
Right! Did Ellen bring hers over?

MARY (reading)
In the bag.

SANDY (dumping the books out)
Saved! Rescue is at hand.

MARY
I gave Ellen three Zebras and a Signet --- including the Desparate Domino, which I haven't even read yet.

SANDY
That's a good one. (looking through paperbacks) Damn! I've read all of these!

MARY
Are you sure?

SANDY
Of course I'm sure! I'm not a sieve-brain like you are. What've you got?

MARY (shows her the book)
A new Andrea Davenaunt. The Vicious Vicount.

SANDY
Really!! (holds out her hand for it)

MARY
But I'm on chapter three!

SANDY
I'm in awful shape, Mary. That jock strap who just walked out of here is the leading contender for the title of husband.

MARY (gives SANDY the book)
All right, all right, take it. I'll start one of the others.

SANDY
You've saved my life.

MARY
Did Ed really pop the question?

SANDY
Of course not.The only way he'll marry me is if I beg him to. Giving him the upper hand to make conditions.

MARY
Like in a duel: one challenges, the other gets to choose the weapons.

SANDY (reading)
Yeah.

MARY (selectng a paperback)
So how can you tell he's thinking about marriage ?

SANDY
Talking about his Mother. Little services she does for him, annoying traits she has: it's a kind of job description.

MARY
He's awfully..

SANDY
What?

MARY
Never mind. After all, I introduced him to you.

SANDY (paging through book)
This sounds familiar.

MARY
That's one of the comforts. God, imagine if you had to worry about the ending, like if the heroine had a retarded kid, or got the pox....if it doen't sound familiar, I won't even start reading it!

SANDY
No, I mean really familiar! This Clarissa: her uncle wants her to marry this arrogant rake, but she dreams about this Percy something, who looks like Lord Bryron..

MARY
It's a lot like The Obstinate Orphan...

SANDY
Does she run away and become a governess?

MARY
That's Chapter Two.

SANDY
We've read it.

MARY
We can't have! Dalton's just put it on the shelf, it's brand new!

SANDY
We read it. Clarissa befriends a dirty urchin in the neighborhood, who turns out to be the rake's bastard.

MARY
That was the Repentant Rake, by Abigail Vivian.

SANDY
The boy's late mother, whose love letters to Viscount Whosis were intercepted, had hid away to die with her guilty burden, while her family gave it out that she was married and in Scotland, giving Whosis a disgust of woman and her fickle ways.

MARY
Clarissa teaches the child to read...


SANDY
He reads his mother's deathbed confession...

MARY (remembers)
Clarissa restores him to the Viscount, who regains his faith in love.

SANDY
He offers to renounce his claim on Clarissa, so that she can follow her heart....

MARY
But by now she's in love with him...

SANDY (tosses MARY the book)
We've read it.

MARY (outraged)
I just paid $4.75!

SANDY
It was $2.95 when it first came out.

MARY (looks at front page)
Copyright 1983 by Judy Finkelstein. Original title: the Repentant Rake.

SANDY (takes book, leafs through)
I think I've read it twice.

MARY
I could've too, if you hadn't spoiled it! Don't remember what happens to Percy, though....

SANDY
Sieve-brain! Take it! (throws book)

MARY
But what'll you do?

SANDY
Oh, throw things...cry.

MARY
That's good. Let it all out!

SANDY
I don't want to ventilate. I want to escape!
(paces around, takes up a straw sunhat and puts it on, an umbrella becomes her riding crop. Perched sidesaddle on the arm of the chair, she makes little clicks with her tongue, the sound of horse's hooves... Mary appreciates what she's imagining, and joining in on the sound effect, "rides" beside her)

SANDY (cultured voice)
A sedate canter through Regent's park....

MARY (smiling)
I wish I could write you one on the spot..

SANDY
Why not?

MARY
Make one up?

SANDY
All the best parts...

MARY
With the right sort of heroine.... Sandra?

SANDY (shakes head)
Not romantic... (acknowledges bow) Cassandra!

MARY (waves to a friend)
Lady Cassandra...

SANDY (greeting, cultured voice)
Miss. Miss Cassandra Shipping.

MARY (very British)
Shipping?

SANDY ("normal" voice)
Sounds English, doesn't it?

MARY (British)
Smells of trade, my dear.

SANDY
It's my Romance!

MARY (agrees, going on)
Miss Cassandra Shipping, who lives sequestered on her familiy's country estate, because...

SANDY
Her selfish brother, Sebastian, has left the management to her while he gambles away their fortune in town. She's never had her proper come-out, and is considered to be on the shelf at ..

MARY
Twenty-two?

SANDY
Twenty-six.

MARY
That's awfully old.

SANDY ("normal"voice)
That's younger than we are!

MARY
Suddenly her brother sends for her to London , because he's

SANDY
Lost the estate! But he has one last desparate plan to get it back. He believes he's found a foolproof way to cheat at--

MARY
Whist?

SANDY
It's got to be two-handed. Pique?

MARY
(puts on the jacket Ed's left behind, while SANDY wraps a scarf around Mary's neck, achieveing a reasonable representation of a young buck in a dressing gown. MARY cuts and shuffles an imaginary pack of cards)

MARY-AS-SEBASTIAN
I think so. Dashed tricky game, pique. But once a chap can shorten up the odds...

SANDY
He prepares a marked deck, and waits in his rooms for the Corinthian he's invited to try his notorious skill, ...

MARY
You're sure you want a Corinthian? They're the sportsmen, go in for boxing, and cockfighting, and..

SANDY
God, no! I'm sick of men with their sports! They're just an excuse to keep their women at a distance. We'll make him the dissolute gamester Duke of..

MARY
Can't he be a marquess?

SANDY
I'm not sure what a marquess is.

MARY
Me either, but I love the sound of it.

SANDY
It doesn't go as well with "dissolute" as "duke" does.

MARY
Wicked? Or Malevolent? How about the Malevolent Marquess of ..Inglewood..?


SANDY
I don't want him malevolent, exactly.

MARY
Just dissolute?

SANDY
Disillusioned, maybe. And devastatingly handsome..
(ED, faultlessly attired as the Hero, appears)
A cynical amusement plays across his hawklike visage as the night's play grows deeper...

(EDWARD and SEBASTIAN play out a hand. SEBASTIAN
rakes in the winnings)

MARY
Mine again, what? I say, Inglewood: told you my luck would turn someday...

ED (toasts)
To your extraordinary luck! (spills wine) How careless of me! We'll need a fresh pack. You've no objection to this of mine? (gets out a real pack, deals. They play)

MARY
Your hand, Inglewood.

ED
(plays faster)
Triple stakes?
(lays down a hand, rakes in notes)

MARY
Nothing left to stake -- except: (an idea) I say, Inglewood! You're a sporting chap, man of the world....(calls) Sandy!

SANDY (confused)
Sebastian?

MARY
Cassandra! Come in here at once!
(SANDY has put on a period penoire and carries a candle)
These are the stakes. My sister against those notes of mine you hold. (arm on ED's shoulder)

ED
A novel proposition! (removes Sebastian's arm) But I cannot imagine that any member of your family would be of the slightest interest to me.

MARY
You may be the judge of that. Cassandra. (gestures)

ED
(struck by her beauty, he leers through a quizzing glass)
Intriguing!

MARY
Are you game?

ED
A single turn of the cards?

MARY (cuts)
Ace of diamonds! Appears your luck is out.

ED (cuts)
Ace of hearts. Appropriate, non? Come here, child: I've a mind to collect my winnings.

SANDY
Sebastian?

MARY
You heard him!

SANDY
I don't understand...

ED
It's quite simple, my dear. Like your family seat at Maplewood, you are now my property.

(He kisses her. In standard romance fashion, she resists, pulls away and slaps him.)

So! You've no more notion of fair play than your brother. (smiles) But it may be amusing to school you ....
(Another embrace. Sandy, mesmerized, begins to respond)

MARY
I say, can't you save that till after you're wed?

ED (tossing Sandy aside)
Wed! (laughs) You impudent puppy! Do you delude yourself that I would ally my ancient house with the sister of an inept card sharp?! You're fortunate that I'll condesend to take her under my protection!

MARY-S (trying to look threatening)
Can't insult my sister...!

ED (grabs him by his scarf)
True, after you've made clear what she is! We merely haggle over the price. (pushes him away)

MARY-S
(rushes at ED, who knocks her/him down into the chair)
Damn you! I demand...

ED (shaking him by the scarf like a rag doll)
Satisfaction? All you deserve is a horsewhip, but I'll fight you. Now!

MARY-S
Without seconds, or a doctor, or---

ED
That's for gentlemen! Fetch the pistols!

SANDY
No!

ED
Be grateful, child! His only course now is to blow out his brains, and I'm willing to do it for him.

SANDY
Not pistols, swords!

MARY (crossing to her, in a normal Mary Sullivan voice)
But swords are Georgian. After Beau Brummel, men stopped wearing swords.
(they look at ED. He opens his coat to show he has no sword)

ED
No sword.

SANDY
But swords are so much more romantic!

MARY
If they don't have them...

SANDY
Look, he was going someplace with a man he doesn't trust. Wouldn't it make sense that he'd be armed? (they look at ED)

ED
I am. (reaches into inner coat pocket) I've got this little pistol... (shows it)

SANDY (rushes at him)
Put that away! I want a swordfight!
(she gets out a sword, crosses to Mary with a salacious smile)
Remember Albert Finney in Tom Jones?

(Mary smiles, ahrugs, sits on the couch right)
(Sandy takes off ED's coat)
(ED preens during her rhapsody)

SANDY
They're so beautiful with swords!
(she takes off his cravat)
(opens his shirt, hands him a sword)
The pure linen shirt, open at the neck. Curly hair, muscles....
(caresses him, traces his arm down)
Lace that falls gracefully from his supple wrist, across his strong fingers...
(embarrassed, she backs off)
A flourish! A salute!
(Ed illustrates. Mary, is caught up in it. She picks up the umbrella, and using it as a foil, practices fencing moves from her sitting position on the sofa)
First position! Beautiful!

MARY
I thought you hate sports?!

SANDY
Fencing's not vulgar! Ballet's descended from it: did you know that? The deadly dance.
(ED fences with air)
Parry, thrust, parry, thrust! Parry! Ha! A close one. How quick and clever of you, to be alive! Now thrust, probe the enemy's weakness, lunge! Ha! What joy! So intense, his flashing blade an extension of his will, his manly arm, his....
(looks at his crotch, blushes)
(ED and SANDY look at MARY. She glances down at her own crotch, grimaces)

MARY
Look, I hate to disappoint you, but.--
(tries to give SANDY her "sword")
--why don't you fight him?

ED (forces up the umbrella)
En garde, coward!

MARY (flailing back)
This is ...irregular ... I don't think my honor ...

ED
Honor? Ha! Of a card cheat, a pimp!!
(ED attacks MARY, who fends him off as best she can)

SANDY
Oh, no! Stop! How can you fight one who's no match for you, who's scarcely a man...
(she throws herself between them. MARY is run through)

MARY (falls)
Oooofff!

SANDY (screams)
Murderer!

ED (drags body behind screen)
Why'd you get in my way? I only meant to pink him.

SANDY (puts on cloak)
I've got to get away!

ED (wiping with kerchief)
You're coming with me.

SANDY
No, I...

ED
Where else? An unprotected girl...?

SANDY
I don't want your "protection"! I'd rather go to.. to

ED
Yes? (laughs)

SANDY
To a nunnery!

ED
To a nunnery! Run!

(Laughing, ED chases SANDY around the room, catching up with her near a table that has on it a handy weapon. While he is embracing her, she picks up a heavy piece of bric-a-brac and clobbers him. ED gives her an astonished look and staggers back towards the wings where he collapses. SANDY gasps, looks around wildly, runs... right into MARY, who has costumed herself as PEG, a drunken bawd in a red mop wig with bottle of gin - "blue ruin" - in hand.)

MARY-P
That's me pretty, run right to ol Peg, that's the dandy! I got a place fer ye, a snug little nunnery, where Hollow-Leg Peg's the Abbess, and Blue Ruin's the speci-al-i-ty of the house!

SANDY
Get away from me, you!

MARY
Snabble 't gaff! Yer comin wi' yer ol Mither Peg, and after we've brightened yer up all righty-tighty, no telling what some flash cove'll empty his pockets right into yer sweet lil' lap!
(ED appears in cape and top hat, facing upstage)

SANDY
Not that kind of nunnery! I meant to take shelter in a convent (PEG cackles) A religious house...(Peg cackles)

MARY
This be'int Frog-aland, y'know. No Latin mummery-nummery here -- not since Henry the Eighth!
(pushes SANDY towards ED, who grabs one hand)

SANDY ("normal" voice)
Wait a minute! What's he doing here?

MARY (as Mary Sullivan)
He's not the Marquess now, he's just - you know, men in general, out for what they can get.

SANDY
Oh. O.K.
(gives her hand to THE MAN, struggles between them) (CASSANDRA voice)
I'll be a governess...
(PEG cackles)
a paid companion...
(cackle)
I'll go to my Aristocratic Godmother!

MARY (much struck, drops Sandy's hand)
Haristocratic?

ED (pushes her downstage)
Godmother?

(During this speech MARY, with SANDY's help, transforms into LADY KILBURN, putting on a lampshade, a Chinese dressing gown, a fan, stuffing her front with a pillow)

SANDY
Yes, my Godmother, the dowager Lady Killburn. The eccentric Lady Killburn, fabulously wealthy! Her first husband was an Indian Nabob. She'd never do anything for me while my ramshackle brother was alive, but....

MARY (fanning)
So - you're all alone in the world now, are you, gel?

SANDY (curtsey)
Yes, m'lady.

MARY
Godmother.

SANDY
Godmother.

MARY
I may decide to sponsor you, yet. I vow, I've been perishing of boredom. It might amuse me, bringing a Miss Nobody into fashion, setting the town by its ears....but only if I can be certain none of your dreadful family is going to show up on my doorstep! Except for your poor mother, they're all impossible, all of them! Such prosey abberations. Such fatiguing vices!

SANDY
They're all dead. I'm quite the -- orphan. (sniffs)

MARY
No tears, gel! I can't abide a watering - pot! And by no mean, no mourning! The world's well rid of your brother, and I won't have you hanging about in black like some ill-omened crow.

SANDY
Yes, Ma'am.

MARY (sissors as quizzing-glass)
What colors, then? Must turn you out to be a credit to me.... (gestures for Sandy to turn round)

SANDY
I've always been partial to apricot....

MARY
No opinions, Miss! They don't become you!

SANDY
But....

MARY
Are you defying me?

SANDY (deep ironic curtsey)
No, Ma'am.

MARY
You'd better not! When Lady Killburn frowns the Upper Ten Thousand trembles! The Prince Regent himself would not dare to take up a person I'd declared de trop, and my slightest demur is enough to blight the hopes of any female on the marriage mart, no matter how great her birth or fortune! I've offered to try to make something of you, gel, but you must put yourself completely in my hands. You're to do, say, and think exactly as I tell you!

SANDY
Poppycock!

MARY
What did you say to me, Miss?!!!

SANDY
Poppy cock, Lady Killburn! If you insist on turning people ino puppets, how can they help but bore you? If you drain the life out of a girl, how can she ever display the sparkle that would do you credit? Or possess that assurance which you so admirably demonstrate?!

MARY
Bravo! I hate insipidity! Face 'em down, gel, and someday you'll be a great lady, just as I am! We'll take the town by storm, you wait and see, you'll dazzle 'em all at the Chadwyck's masked ball...

SANDY
A great lady! Living in a place like Killburn House, with scores of servants who duck and scrape, and Yes'm and make it clear in a thousand ways I'm a superior being. A lady.
Who embroiders, and arranges flowers, and plays the pianoforte, and visits the shops and her dressmaker....
The clothes! Was there ever an era with such elegant clothes!
(spreads the skirt of her nightie, whirls)
The Empire style is so graceful, so flattering... I know I'll look lovely!
(adds a silk shawl)
Sprig muslin from India, sarcenet, satin and silk from distant Cathay! Tribute to the lady from all the corners of the earth! Bought with the rents from a dozen tenant farms.
How could I fail to please?
My Godmother, her dresser,
(MARY enters, wearing apron and a showercap, arranges SANDY's hair)
My abigail, the modiste, the French milliner - all have done their utmost to turn me out impeccably.

MARY (French accent, supercilious)
Madame she tells me I am to dress zee hair for mademoiselle c'est impossible! Unless -- a la Meduse?!

SANDY
Not like that! Supercilious. We've done that.

MARY (as Mary Sullivan)
I'm the very superior ladies maid you win over.

SANDY
That's the same scene as Lady Killburn. I need a bumpkin who's in awe of me, to give me confidence.

MARY (adjusts showercap: Kitty Needles)
Oh. Awwoh! Awwoh Miss! Put flowers here, and here..
(tucks flowers into Sandy's hair)
Awwoh, it's ever so fetching, Miss!
(hands Sandy a mirror, gets huge necklace)
And this here necklace for wot they call the final touch.

SANDY (protests)
But I have no jewels!

MARY
These be the Killburn diamonds! Your Lady Godmother says as how yer to wear them.
(puts necklace round Sandy's neck)
They bring luck in love, or so they say.

SANDY
I'll need luck. There's nothing extraordinary about me.
(looks in hand mirror)
My hair, my figure, my profile.... Why should I be singled out?

MARY (puts mask on SANDY, exits)
Don't you look a picture now! Behind this mask your eyes're as bright as one o' them diamonds!

SANDY
(comes downstage)
My eyes! Yes, my eyes could draw him! Not their color: (use color of actress's eyes) ______ is so common! They ought to be huge, dew-drenched violets in a heart-shaped frame. But mine are what are called "speaking eyes". There is a radiant message in them from deep wthin my soul, and if he is the one who can understand it, his soul will answer.

(waltz music begins, Chopin, and the light becomes magical. Humming and moving gracefully to the music, Sandy is isolated in her romantic dream: perhaps a single Japanese lantern descends from the flies)

(Edward enters, masked)

ED
Aha! You have fled to the garden! Don't you realize you've left your court desolate? "Where has she gone?"- they all ask. "We must find the Incomparable Incognita!"

SANDY
I needed a breath of air.

ED
(holds out his hand)
You can't escape so easily. This is my dance.

SANDY
You must be mistaken, sir. I don't know you.

ED
That's the beauty of a masked ball. You need only consider the person who stands before you.
(he bows over her hand, kisses it)
Look in his eyes, and if perchance you find they attract you, waltz with him.
(she goes into his arms, and they dance)
You waltz as lightly as a rose petal, bourne on a spring breeze.

SANDY
You flatter me, sir. I am not used to waltzing. Convention decrees...

ED
For once we're not tied by petty conventions! Our relatives, our titles, our past... Don't you feel free?

SANDY
It's as if I'm floating, high above the earth... though conventions restrict, sir, they also protect..

ED
Like a corset? Which women seem to think makes them more desirable... (draws her into an embrace)

SANDY
You ought not to say such things!

ED
Against the rules of the game? Between men of honor there must be fair play: but in our game, my dear, the only suit is hearts, and the king takes a queen.

SANDY
Please, sir, I am not feeling well. I'm dizzy, I..take me back to my chaperone.

ED
I have a better idea. (sweeps her up into his arms)

SANDY
Put me down! (removes his mask) You!

ED
Did you think you could hide from me? Your eyes gave you away. I claim my own now, you are mine!
(he carries her, struggling, to the sofa)

SANDY
Stop it, just stop it! (calls out) Mary! (slaps at him) Cut it out! This is my fantasy, dammit, and I don't want to be raped!

MARY (from behind screen)
Go on, This is my favorite part!

SANDY
I don't like bodice-rippers!

ED
When your beauty inflames a man of passion...

SANDY
Mary!

MARY
That's what it's all about, isn't it?

SANDY
Not for me! Will you please get off me? (he does)

ED
Perhaps I've misunderstood...

SANDY
I want a gentleman, a man of honor, I want someone who respects me.

(MARYmerges as the sophisticated wanton, rival of the heroine. In the original production she wore red lace panties as a cap, black net tights on her arms for gloves, etc: use imagination!)

MARY
Then you won't be wanting the Malevolent Marquess, will she, Inglewood? Darling Edward, do come away from that simpering chit. There's an intimate matter upon which I wish to converse with you. Hurry back to the ball, child! I think your godmother's missed you.

SANDY
But I...

MARY
An unmarried woman can't afford to be indiscreet. Inglewood?

ED
Your servant, madam. (they embrace, collapse onto the sofa)

SANDY
Wait! What're you doing? You're supposed to be MY servant!

ED (looks up)
There's no pleasing you!

MARY
While I am very easily pleased. (caresses him) A married woman has the advantage of knowing exactly what it is she wants, and the security of her position gives her the confidence to go after it.

SANDY
Is this fair!? This ball was for me..

MARY
But if you're too nice in your notions to enjoy it, why let this deliciously naughty setting go to waste?

(ED lifts the laughing MARY into his arms)

SANDY
Put her down, you--you figment! Mary Sullivan, you get out of my Romance, you greedy slut!
(she beats at them until ED, in disgust, drops MARY)

ED
All right!

MARY
Ouch!
(ED goes to lean against the mantle and watch the scene, his arms folded.)

SANDY
Oh Mary, I'm sorry! Are you all right?

MARY
I'll survive.

SANDY
I'm so desperate for a little romance.

MARY
What about me? You're single, you can still hope, but I've had it! Wedlocked! Red Sullivan is it: my hero, best I'm ever going to do!

SANDY
At least he's made a commitment to you. He's crazy about little Chuckie, he's working for a future for both of you. You know he's going to show up every night after work and...

MARY
And grunt and eat what's put in front of him and then drink a six-pack and fall asleep in front of the T.V. I go to bed with a book!

SANDY
Geeze.He doesn't ever...?

MARY
Oh, yeah, sometimes when he wakes up and comes to bed around 3 am he's raring to go! By the time I'm conscious enough to get interested, it's all over. Talk about frustrated!

SANDY
Oh, Mary...

MARY
Weekends? Weekends he won't shave or shower, he says why should he when he doesn't have to? Nobody sees him.And nobody sees me. The last time I had a compliment was in 1979.

SANDY
You're kidding.

MARY
No shit. April 16th, 1979. I put it on the calendar.

SANDY
Oh God. Is there nowhere in the world a man who can be loving and tender..

MARY
Passionate........

SANDY
Strong and protective and generous..

MARY
Well groomed.

SANDY
Who understands what a woman needs...

(they both turn to look at ED. He smirks.)

SANDY (indicates Ed)
You go ahead.

MARY
No, it's OK. I've cooled down.
(she retreats and gestures SANDY and ED to come together. MARY takes off costume, puts on ordinary clothes, sharing the focus.)

ED
Oh, Sandy, Sandy, my little love.... From the first moment I saw you, I knew I had to make you mine. I lost you, I know, frightened you with my ardor...
(SANDY turns away)
If you could know how I've suffered! How I've searched for you through a thousand tedious social rounds, my heart leaping when I caught a glimpse of a familiar dark head, and then plummeting in dispair when the face that turned towards me was not
(in the classic Romance gesture, he turns her face towards him and forces her to look into his eyes)
this one dear face...(kisses her gently)

My precious love, dare I hope that you will do me the inestimable honor of conferring upon me your hand in marriage? That you will be my dutchess..?

SANDY
Dutchess? I thought you were... (looks at MARY)

MARY
I think it's marchioness.

ED
It's what?

SANDY
How can I be something I can't even pronounce?

MARY
Maybe it's countess. Countess should be OK...

ED
Will you make up my mind, please?

SANDY
Countess.

ED
Will you...

(the phone rings)

SANDY
Oh, shit. Wait right here.
(answers)
Hello?
(puts hand over mouthpiece)
Mary, are you here?

MARY
Yeah, OK. (comes)

SANDY
Yes, she's here. I'll let you talk to her.

MARY (on phone)
Hello, Charley. You noticed I was missing, huh?

SANDY (to ED)
You were saying?

MARY (speeches overlap from here)
I don't know, it depends...

ED
I want you to share my life. Can you say yes?

MARY (on phone)
That bad, huh?

SANDY
Oh, yes, Edward, yes, yes, yes! (passionate kiss. On the loveseat?)

MARY
Really? Sure, I remember. But it's been a long time since you've felt like that, hasn't it, Charley?

SANDY
You're sure it's really love...?

ED
Forever. I must have you at my side, and our children--as many as you want to have.

MARY
All right, all right, I believe you! Keep it hot for me, I'll be right home! But Charley: ... do me a favor, will you? While I'm on my way, will you shave and take a shower?

ED
I'll be so proud, riding in our carriage, showing you off to the neighbors, the Inglewood ring on your finger..
(gives her ring. They kiss)

MARY
Yeah. I know. I love you, too. (hangs up)
Sandy?

SANDY (pulls away, the fantasy's over. ED exits)
What?

MARY
Thanks for the hospitality. I'm going to bundle up Chuckie and head home, now.

SANDY
(her "ballgown" has reverted to an Empire nightgown. she takes off the necklace, shakes the flowers out of her hair)
Are you sure? I mean just now you were so down on him...

MARY
I'm down on him when he ignores me! Right now he's wide awake and horny as hell!
(starts off to get Chuckie)
I guess I shouldn't blame him. It's us he's working so hard for. Up at a quarter to six...
(carries Chuckie in, puts his slippers on)
Come, on sweetheart, put your piggytoes in your slippies. Mommy's taking you home to your Starbed.

CHUCKIE
(makes a little whimpering sound)

MARY
Right here, darling. Sandy, do you see his baseball mit?

SANDY (looks around)
Here it is.
(takes glove to MARY)

MARY (stroking Chuckie)
Actually, males're kind of adorable sleeping. Chuckie has this rosy flush, right along here, like his father gets. I just love to touch it, where it's so soft.....Besides, Charley paid me three compliments! Three! That should hold me for the next decade!

SANDY
What'd he say?
(she puts away the pile of books)

MARY
Oh, just that while he's asleep in that chair, he dreams about me, about my...
(Sandy looks skeptical)
Oh, come off it, Sandy! So he doesn't have great dialog: at least it's real! Face it, we aren't all Incomparable. What would I have been back then? A chambermaid? A farmer's wife, with six of these to feed...
(indicates the Chuckie-bundle in her arms.)

SANDY (hugs her)
You'd've been an Incomparable Friend! Just like you ARE! Oh I don't know: I don't suppose we should expect a man to understand the way a woman does, but...

MARY
But...
(knock on door)

MARY
The mailman? Delivery boy? Goodnight, sweets. (door) Well, I'll be! Look who's here....

ED (outside)
Hi, Mary. Sandy still up?

MARY
Sure. Go on in. I'm just leaving.

ED
Yeah? That's.......

MARY (cuts him off)
Ed! Some advice: don't say something smart. Say something sweet.
(exit. Sandy and Ed look at each other)

ED (carries a T.V.)
Uh, hi.

SANDY
Hi.

ED
That Chuckie's sure getting big, isn't he? Seems like it was just a while back they got married...

SANDY
Five years.

ED
Yeah. The fight's over, T.K.O. in the forth, so I thought maybe we could.... I brought you my portable. Till yours gets fixed?

SANDY
Thanks.

ED
I thought you might wanta watch the game on it Friday.

SANDY
Watch the game?

ED
Yeah, it'd be almost like we're together, see? Then afterwards maybe I could come over and we could... you know... talk about it? I mean if you're interested.

SANDY
Why should I be?

ED
Cause I am!

SANDY (offers him a paperback)
I watch your game, and you read one of my books?

ED (laughs, horrified)
Me?! (Sandy turns away, he thinks it over)
Well, uh .. yeah, I guess maybe I could try one... some time. I was thinking, though: these bookshelves? I could build you some with class. Do a real custom job, like I did for Silverlake Homes: walnut maybe, with sliding doors, the kind that latch... I mean we won't want the kids getting into them and spreading those covers around so the place looks like a drugstore.

SANDY
What kids?

ED
Our kids. You do want to have kids, don't you?

SANDY
Is that a proposal?

ED
I gotta get on my knees? (gets down, painfully) Sandy Perrini, will you do me the .. the..

SANDY
Inestimable honor...

ED
Inestimable .. ah, gimme a break. (gets up) Let me off the hook on the knees part, and I'll carry you across the threshold. Whattaya say? (offers to pick her up)

SANDY (laughs, and throws her arms around him)
Yes, Edward! Yes, yes, yes!

THE END

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