A One Act Play

Square Pegs

By G. L. Horton
copyright © 1993 Geralyn Horton

CHARACTERS:

JAKE: 40's, managerial type

TERESA: late 50's, a gentle schoolteacher.

MERRIK: 30's, a born-again Christian.

DEBBIE: 30, bright, tough, and angry.

DENNIS: 30, a good-time Charlie.

HELEN: 50, the employment counselor.

Time/Place/Scene: The setting is a suburban church basement, which is used as the office of a non-profit support service for the unemployed. There are a couple of desks, an elaborate answering machine with two phones: one real, one facade that has a recorded message saying "executive offices" -- which this obviously isn't. There are card tables, folding chairs, newspapers, trade magazines, a computer or two.

TERESA is sitting on a folding chair at the desk , talking to JAKE, who is consulting THE JOBFINDER'S GUIDE and taking notes in a notebook from his briefcase. DEBBIE enters, looks around.

TERESA
--I just wear an extra sweater and a hat. That's what we did when I was a little girl. During the depression, the only heat came from the kitchen stove.
(notices DEBBIE)
Can we be of help, dear? Are you looking for Ms. Presson?

DEBBIE (goes to TERESA)
She isn't here yet?

TERESA
I haven't seen her. Group is at 10:30, but she could be at a conference in town--.

DEBBIE
I'll wait. (DEBBIE sits, takes out newspaper, begins reading.)

TERESA (to JAKE)
How is Janet doing?

JAKE
Better. A lot better. Takes her a couple of weeks to bounce back from chemotherapy. But she's up and around, now. Cleaning out the kitchen drawers.

TERESA
And your boy?

JAKE
I told Park School I was going to have to pull Jason out of there. (sits) They came up with a scholarship.

TERESA (pats JAKE's shoulder)
Well, now. That's good news.

JAKE
Is it? Jason's grades are dropping. He's out too late, comes back with bullshit excuses --pardon my French.
You'd think out of work I'd have time to ride herd on him, but what with hustling a job and taking care of Janet--.

TERESA
A boy that age can be a real pill. Especially at a time of crisis.

JAKE
You're telling me this is normal?

TERESA
I'm afraid it is. I've seen it so often. There's stress, and the boy knows he ought to be pitching in to help, but there isn't much he can do, really. Is there?

JAKE
He can at least not add to our worries!

TERESA
That's true, but at his age he doesn't see that. Probably the guilt is driving him wild.

JAKE
Well, something is. Guilt? Oh, boy. I just don't understand it. School's like Jason's job, isn't it? If he'd just concentrate---.

DEBBIE (lowering paper)
Maybe he can't.

JAKE
I beg your pardon?

DEBBIE
Maybe your kid's just not the kind of guy who can block out what's going on in his life.

JAKE (rises, turns to DEBBIE)
Seems to me a person can at least try!
(pause. DEBBIE hides behind paper)

TERESA (rises, brings JAKE back)
It was a real shame about that position in Nashua.

JAKE
Yeah.

TERESA
It sounded perfect for you.

JAKE
Well, I thought so. I thought they wanted me. But-- (they sit)
You know --I could never mention this to Janet, it'd kill her--- but I wonder. Can a personnel office find out about your family? Go though medical files?

TERESA
Doctors' records are confidential.

DEBBIE (lowers paper)
Ha! Sure they are. And Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. (pause) Sorry. S'none of my business.

TERESA
If you have an experience you'd like to share with us--.

DEBBIE
Share! That's another crock! How can you people buy in to that crap?

TERESA
Young lady--

DEBBIE
Never mind. I'm reading my paper. (pause)

JAKE
Twice now I thought for certain I was in, and then--. Maybe they found out about the cancer?

TERESA
I really don't think they could do that. (DEBBIE chuckles.
JAKE and TERESA look at her. She holds up the comic page)

DEBBIE
Dilbert. (they turn back)

JAKE
Maybe it's my age. I'm fit enough, but -- do you think I should get a hairpiece? Naw --when they check out my degrees, they'll realize I'm past forty--

TERESA
But you're in your prime. You have so much energy.

JAKE
Like Helen says, stay strong, stay focused. (DEBBIE laughs
again, loud. This time they ignore her)
How's it going for you, Teresa? Find anything this week?

TERESA
Not really. Two listings, but they're for bilingual.

JAKE
Tough time to be a plain old unhyphenated American. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know we all came over from somewhere. But those days everybody wanted to learn the language and --

MERRIK (enters )
Good morning.

JAKE (goes to Merrik)
Hey, look, it's Merrik back. How's it going, big guy?

MERRIK (shaking hands center)
Good. It's going good, praise the Lord.

JAKE
I haven't seen you around -- thought you had a job.

MERRIK
I did. I mean, I do. Just taking longer than we figured.

JAKE
Georgia, wasn't it? You were going to Georgia.

MERRIK
That's right. Georgia for training, and then traveling between the territories.

TERESA
But your wife was worried about what the move would do to her career.

MERRIK
I wouldn't call what my wife does a career. Secretarial. A woman can do that anywhere.

DEBBIE
Anywhere there's a job.

MERRIK (dn rt of Teresa)
I've told Alice there's secretarial in Georgia. She says, "At $5.00 an hour". But money goes further down south. No oil bills. A new house is about half. But then Alice says, "What does it matter how cheap a house is? We can't buy it cause we can't sell the one we've got."

JAKE (rt of Merrik, backslap)
You're selling? Why didn't you give me the listing? Take it off the market for 6 weeks, then-

MERRIK
It's not on the market. Alice won't let me. The house next door is, though. They've dropped the price till they're asking about what it's mortgaged for.

JAKE
I could do you better than that, buddy.

MERRIK
Well, if Alice comes to her senses, I'll give you first shot at it, Jake. (shakes off Jake, looks around) Where's Helen? Helen still is the counselor?

DEBBIE
That's what I want to know.

TERESA
Oh, yes. Helen's in charge.

MERRIK
Well, where the heck is she? Out shopping?

TERESA
Merrik, that's unfair. Helen is very conscientious, she takes her job very seriously--.

DEBBIE
Oh, hell, yes.

JAKE
She may have had a meeting.

MERRIK (crosses to machine)
When I called, the overnight message was still on the answering machine. (fusses w/ machine)

TERESA
Oh, dear. What if an employer calls?

MERRIK
"Executive Offices", it says. After ten, and nobody's here?

DEBBIE (laughs)
"Executive" !

TERESA (crossing u)
Can we reset it?

JAKE (joins them)
How complicated can it be? Half the guys here are from high tech. You are, aren't you, Merrik?

MERRIK (fussing)
Not from the gizmo end. Finance.

TERESA
If you can't change the message, at least turn it off.

DEBBIE (unplugs machine)
Off with the bullshit!

TERESA
Helen will fix it.

MERRIK
When she gets here.

JAKE
Well, Merrick. Should be plenty of finance jobs. I mean, somebody has to keep track of the money, going in or going out.

MERRIK
Guys like me mostly make plans. Expansion-- not much happening.

TERESA
Except in Georgia?

MERRIK
That job's not finance, not precisely.


DEBBIE
This Georgia job -- Did you get it through this office?

MERRIK
Not really-

DEBBIE (goes back to her chair and paper)
Now, how did I guess that?

MERRIK
I heard about it from my cousin, a friend of his-- but it was Helen who helped me tailor my resume. (DEBBIE ignores Merrik)

JAKE (crosses to Merrik)
To show that you have the skills.

MERRIK (TERESA sits in "her" chair)
It's like auditing, but there's a sales aspect, too. First our team has to convince the company we can save them money.

JAKE
Sales ability! Now, that doesn't surprise me, Merrik. I can see that in you. But you should let people know. Tell them it's an interest. I saw a job in the listings, oh, it must be two weeks ago now, would have been perfect for you, if I'd known you have a sales interest.

MERRIK
Well, it's not a big interest, Jake. I can do it, I have the-- . But something like your real estate, where the market can drop into the toilet--

JAKE
It's not as bad as you think.

TERESA (perks up)
You've been making sales, Jake?

JAKE
It's a slow process. Many a slip. But I expect to have a purchase and sale agreement on a 12 room beauty in Brunswick by the end of the month. Half a million dollars.

MERRIK (follows Jake)
Your share will be what?

JAKE
Twice before, I thought it was a done deal. But this time, it'll happen. I can feel it. The housing market has bottomed. I mean, it's not the class of people who can afford half a million who are hurting, right? But my family can't live on expectations.

MERRIK
Like the Georgia job. I don't get paid until the adjustments come in. It can take 6 months, 9 months, as much as a year. I tell my wife, have faith, the money's coming.

TERESA
If you can be sure--

MERRIK
My kids are all the time after me, they want to move back here where their friends are, but I tell them have faith. One thing, though, the church down there is strong, it's got a real spirit. If they'd go with me, they'd make new friends--

(DEBBIE, reading, exclaims aloud)
Jesus Christ!

MERRIK
What?

TERESA
Young lady?

DEBBIE
What?

MERRIK
You cursed.

DEBBIE
Sorry. I didn't realize -- this story, have you seen it? (rises, comes down to desk with paper) Really grim. Unemployed postal worker in St. Louis, shot up his boss and three carriers and a policeman. Then they discovered at his house- he'd already killed his wife and kids.

JAKE
Let me see. (takes newspaper)

TERESA
I heard about that. On the radio.

MERRIK
What is that? The fifth?

DEBBIE
The story says the 11th. 11 incidents, 17 dead.

MERRIK
The Post Office must be taking them straight out of the loony bin.

TERESA
Veterans' preference.

MERRIK
What?


TERESA
Veterans get extra points on the postal exam, so there may be an unusual number. You know. Vietnam. Combat flash back.

JAKE
Post traumatic.

DEBBIE
Postal traumatic.

MERRIK
Well, they'd better weed out the crazies, and fast. I mean, the Post Office ought to be peaceful, like church.

DEBBIE
Oh, the crazies are being weeded out. Along with the alcoholic, and the lazy, and the just plain surplus.

MERRIK
About time!

DEBBIE
Good thing they didn't start reorganizing till my uncle Adam took the pension. He drank, some, and he was certainly slow. But neither rain nor snow--

MERRIK
Four days, for a letter from my wife to go from my house here to my motel in Georgia. It's a disgrace. No private business could get away it.

DEBBIE
Not any more. They're investing in modern equipment. Getting rid of loafers --

MERRIK
What's your point? That it's OK to shoot up the office, if they fire you from a job?

DEBBIE
No, it's not OK. But I understand it. Don't you? (goes back to chair) At least a story like that makes more sense to me than the crap that's in the business section: NASDAC up, DOW down, GE announces more layoffs-- (behind paper again)

JAKE
God knows there's a lot of frustration.

MERRIK (to Debbie)
God knows, that's a true saying. And He will help those who turn to Him in prayer. (no response)

JAKE
I've had bosses it wouldn't break my heart to see bleed. But to shoot his own kids! He had to be psycho.

MERRIK (down to desk, leans in
Now. wait a minute. Killing the kids makes sense. In a certain way of looking at it. The man's their father, he's responsible. If he can't support his family, and he's made up his mind to kill, what else can he do? Leave his kids to face all that?
I'm not saying he's thinking right, but-- Helen!

(Helen enters. DEBBIE is hidden behind her newspaper)

HELEN
Good morning, people! I'll be right with you.
(goes toward her office, stopping to touch Teresa)
Teresa, I'm sorry I kept you waiting. The front office called me and I had to go in. I tried to reach you, but you must have left already.

TERESA
That's all right. I kept myself busy working out my new plan. If I can talk to you about it--

HELEN
After group, is that OK? You don't mind?

TERESA
Of course not, dear. It's not as if I have a full calendar.

HELEN
Now, now, none of those killer statements! Your time is valuable. You are an experienced person, with a whole bushel basket full of marketable skills, so don't you forget it, Teresa. (Pats Teresa"s shoulder) Now, let me see. Jake's here.

JAKE
And Merrik's back.

MERRIK
I told Alice I'd come back and take one last look. See if anything's come up.

HELEN
We'll see what we can do for you, Merrik. Just give me a minute or two to get organized, OK? -- (goes into her office)

DEBBIE (dn to desk, a huddle)
Gee, maybe there's been a breakthrough. From now on, all jobs will be assigned by lottery--

MERRIK
Have you been here before?

DEBBIE
Here? Never.


TERESA
Do you have an appointment for intake?

JAKE
Boy, I hope not. We're running late as it is.

MERRIK
First time out of a job?

DEBBIE
No, I'm a veteran. But I figured that this time I'd do it official. From the horse's - mouth.

JAKE
Well, you've come to the right place. Good people, good system. All the latest wrinkles, without all the hype.

DEBBIE
Uhhuh.

TERESA
If I didn't have this office to come to, I'm afraid I'd give up.

JAKE
I know people who have taken to their beds. Pulled up the covers and determined to stay there.

MERRIK
Helen's data base is state of the art.

JAKE
Want to take a look? I'm going to show Merrik here the job I was telling him about.

DEBBIE
No, thanks. I'll wait for Helen the expert herself.

JAKE
You sure? Learning to use the computer--

DEBBIE
I've familiar the system.

JAKE
This system? This system is new January 1st.

DEBBIE
One a whole lot like it.

MERRIK
I'd like to see what's new, Jake.

JAKE
You'll be pleasantly surprised. (they go off to computer)

TERESA
You've been laid off before? (looks out window, "sees" Mustang drive in to parking lot)

DEBBIE
This is number 5. Or maybe 35, depending on how you count it. (nods to "window" ) Some car, huh?

TERESA
I think maybe I recognize it. Uhhuh.

DEBBIE
Is he coming in here? (Teresa nods) I was laid off 3 different times from the factory, and more times than I could keep track of when I was temping.

TERESA
I don't think you can count temping.

DEBBIE
It feels the same.

TERESA (sits)
You know from the start you have a limited contract.

DEBBIE
But the person you're replacing might not come, or sales could pick up-- you hope.

DENNIS (enters, greets TERESA)
Hi, babes. Still here, huh? Same time, same old place. Except the scenery's improved. (leers at DEBBIE)

TERESA
Dennis! It's been a while.

DENNIS
A month or so's all. Been in LA. Had them send my checks.

DEBBIE
Are there jobs out west?

DENNIS (sits on desk)
Some. But the coast has farther to go down that slippery slope. You can live off the fat of the land.

TERESA
Some people can.

DENNIS
Do I detect a note of disapproval? That hurts, coming from you. Mother Teresa, who sees the good in all God's chillen--

TERESA
Oh, there's plenty of good in you, Dennis. Buried under a bale of blarney and devilment.

DENNIS
Shh. It's a good thing Merrik's not around. Mention devilment and he'd have us all on our knees, casting out Satan.

TERESA
Merrik's back. He's checking the job bank.

DENNIS
I thought you said his prayers had been answered.

TERESA
He's having some trouble. I think it's what they call a commuter marriage.

DENNIS
Trouble? Sounds ideal to me. Plenty of space.

DEBBIE
For a while my Dad worked construction, in Jersey. He'd only get home about every third weekend. He and Mom never had time to work things out. All they did was fight.

DENNIS
Fight? Isn't that another name for marriage? But for a couple of days a month, a man could try to be on his best behavior.

DEBBIE
For a couple of days a month, why bother?

DENNIS
Yeah, right. That's what I say. Why bother? When I could be lying on a beach, sipping Mai Tais.

DEBBIE
What is it you do?

DENNIS
Tech writer.

DEBBIE
Is that hard?

DENNIS
The work's easy. But getting the work's a bitch--.

DEBBIE
Tell me about it.

DENNIS
Don't sweat it, sugar. There's always a job around the corner.

DEBBIE
Oh, yeah? How much does pay? How long will it last?

DENNIS (rises, goes to DEBBIE)
Hey! You're too young and good looking to be so cynical. Leave it to guys like me.

DEBBIE
What've you got to be cynical about? If you can afford that
Mustang--.

DENNIS
Who says I can afford it? S's why I need a car travels 100 miles an hour. So the repo won't catch up to me.

DEBBIE
If that happened, you wouldn't joke. Collection agencies calling your wife, checking with your neighbors - .

DENNIS
No wife, no neighbors. Why should I care?

TERESA
"Forgive us our debts", that's how the Lord's prayer says "sin"-

DENNIS
Not a question of sin, man. They sell it to you, they take it back. Nobody gets hurt--. (MERRIK and JAKE reenter.)

MERRIK
Is that Dennis?

JAKE
Who else could it be, wearing shorts in March?

DENNIS
Jake! Hey there, ol' buddy, how you doing?

JAKE
Doing great!

DENNIS
Way to go! You got yourself a job yet?

JAKE
Got several jobs: just no income.

DENNIS
I know what you mean.

JAKE
You remember Merrik.

DENNIS
Save any souls in the last month or two, brother?


MERRIK
Just my own.

DENNIS
Good, good. Glad to hear it.

(DEBBIE goes up to HELEN's office door, knocks, speaks in a
disguised deep voice)

DEBBIE
Helen. Mrs. Presson. Could you come out here, please? Your public's waiting.

TERESA (overlap)
What are you doing?

DEBBIE (overlap)
Just rattling her cage.

HELEN (offstage, overlap)
In a minute! I'm on the phone.

JAKE
So, Dennis. Where've you got to? I didn't expect to see you back here.

DENNIS
You know how it is. Time to make a few phone calls, talk to my sister, take care of a little business.

MERRIK
Heck of a time of year to do it.

DENNIS
You're right on that, Ol' buddy. Couple of days ago I was Mr. Sunshine, cruising with the top down, on that Pacific highway-- .

JAKE (looking out "window")
Is that the same Mustang? Looks a little different.

DENNIS
This one's new. Funny thing. I had a little fender-bender, just a few scratches, and then the next thing you know some jerk has torched it. Like I told the insurance, a terrible thing-

MERRIK
What the world's coming to! I can't believe what's happened to the work ethic--! My own kids. And the books I go over. Sheer stupid--. Well, I guess I should be grateful. If other people did their jobs, my company'd be out of business. Thank you, Lord, for tolerating on this earth a bunch of boneheads who can't even write up an order.

DEBBIE (above Merrik)
At minimum wage, I wouldn't say they had much incentive.

JAKE
Self-respect should be enough incentive.

DENNIS
Right. Yeah, sure. (sits on answer machine stand)

TERESA
When I started, a second grade teacher made less than the garbage collector. We could be fired if we got married--

MERRIK
The American worker's the laughingstock of the world. He can't read directions, offer him a job and the first question he'll ask is how much vacation--

TERESA
I'm sorry, but that's not so. I know you hear it everywhere, but I spend every Thursday afternoon as a volunteer in the library these days. I found a study that shows that (stands up to fish through her bag) -- wait a second, here it is. Compared to 1960, average employee is now on the job an extra 164 hours a year. (waves copy of clipping) Europeans get 5 or 6 weeks vacation-

DEBBIE
All right, Teresa! you tell 'em!

MERRIK (takes clipping)
I don't believe it.

TERESA (points it out)
An economist from Harvard--

JAKE
You got to work long or work smart. It stands to reason, if schools don't teach--

DEBBIE
All the teachers want is that you don't make waves, don't disrupt. I got a B plus average, and then 320 on my SAT! Is that humiliating? 200 is for signing your name.

JAKE
You can always go back, study what you missed the first time--
(HELEN enters)

DENNIS (rises, greeting HELEN)
Helen! The face that launched a thousand pink slips!

HELEN
Dennis! The roving boyo.

DENNIS (sweeping bow)
At your service.

HELEN
That was you at my door, wasn't it? I should know better than to keep you waiting. We'll start group right away, shall we?

DEBBIE (crosses to Helen)
That was me.

HELEN (shocked)
Debbie?

DEBBIE
Hi, there, Mrs. Presson.

HELEN
What are you doing here?

DEBBIE
I got laid off, I signed up. I'm part of your group.

HELEN
I don't think that--

DEBBIE
Check it out.

HELEN
Debbie--

DEBBIE
Look in your computer.

HELEN
Excuse me, people. I'll be right back. (pause)

DEBBIE
So, you think I should go back to school, do you, Jake?

JAKE
In a downturn, that's the recommendation. Retrain, add to your resume. Learning never stops. If a person--

DEBBIE
-- keep paying the tuition. Dangle that carrot, the old donkey just keeps plodding along.

TERESA
Education is a person's best investment.

DEBBIE
Oh? Where's it got you, Teresa? You just here to write a book?

TERESA
I never worked long enough in one place to retire. As a substitute, I--

DENNIS
You're the real thing, lady. No substitute.

TERESA
I'd do more volunteer work, but with transportation and lunches, my budget's really tight. I lived through the Great Depression, so I try to have faith --

MERRIK
Take your Savior into partnership. He'll be your consultant, your counselor--

DENNIS
Back off, Merrik. Will you? Give us a break.

MERRIK
Wednesday night my church has prayer group, Debbie. You can put your problem right out there. Everybody will join in and pray for you. You can just feel the power.

DENNIS
Then why are you back, Merrik? The pull you've got?

MERRIK
The faithful have trials, too, Dennis. Even God's servant Job.

DEBBIE
I'm sorry to hear that, Merrik. I already have all the trials I can keep track of, thank you. If Jesus can't guarantee me a job, he'll have to get along Wednesday night without me.

DENNIS
What are you looking for?

DEBBIE (joins Dennis u rt c)
Oh, you name it. I'm versatile.

DENNIS
Arbitrage? Nuclear physics?

DEBBIE
Not that versatile. I started out in the tool shop, with my dad. $12.50 an hour, 18 for overtime.

DENNIS
That'd cover a lot of beer.

DEBBIE
Or a condo on the beach.

JAKE
I hope you bought early. Those have really dropped.

DEBBIE
Tell me about it! Anyway, after the 3rd layoff I took Helen's expert advice. Went to college. Got my 2 year certificate.
Officially qualified to do scut work for some creep in a suit at seven fifty an hour. Seven fifty! With which I'm supposed to buy all this fashion shit and "look professional"! Heels and hose, for Godsake! Fucking eyeshadow!

DENNIS
You don't like looking good?

DEBBIE
I think I look good natural.

DENNIS
I think I look good in shorts.

DEBBIE (laughs, admiring)
Yeah! But then even in the drag, all I could get was temp work.

MERRIK
Temp work's a foot in the door. It can lead to an offer.

DENNIS
What century you living in, man? Why buy the cow, when you're getting the cream?

DEBBIE
Try accounting, my mother told me. Learn to use a computer, do accounting. Ha! Growing field, mom said. She still says so, she goes on telling people that crap when any idiot can see -- ! I mean, look at the want ads. Is there anything out there?

DENNIS
Take it easy. It'll swing back.

JAKE
Sure. Like real estate goes up and down, but in the long run-

DENNIS
I don't know about that. But computer jobs --! Everybody's wired up, now. Business can't get along without us.

HELEN (enters)
Got it all figured, have you, Dennis?

DENNIS
Are we glad to see you!

HELEN
It's going to be a few more minutes before we can get down to business. I have some matters to clear up, here.

DEBBIE
Decide you can't get rid of me?


HELEN
Your name's on the list, all right.

DEBBIE
Well, then.

HELEN
Come in to my office.

DEBBIE
OK. But I'm paid for. You're stuck with me.

HELEN
In the office. (they exit)

DENNIS
What was all that about? (to desk)

JAKE
No idea.

MERRIK (rises, checks watch w/ clock)
It's past time for group to start.

JAKE
Are we all that's coming today?

TERESA
I hope that means Davis got that job. He made it to a third interview, you know.

DENNIS
Is this the same job he thought he had nailed before I left?

TERESA
I don't think so. It's with Motorola.

DENNIS
I think it's the same.

TERESA
More than 600 people applied.

DENNIS
It's not like they need a nation-wide search. It's shift work, right? Maybe 13 bucks an hour.

MERRIK
600?

DENNIS
Whatever happened to the beauties? Sue and Linda?

TERESA
Sue gave up, I think. She was pregnant, you know.

DENNIS (sits on desk)
I thought she was putting on weight.

TERESA
Sue decided she might as well babysit for her sister-in-law while waiting for the child. Linda is still with us. She'd be here today, but she had to take her middle boy to the dentist. Max, now-- do you remember Max?

DENNIS
Sure. The Certified Public Ambivalent.

TERESA
He got a job. We had a party for him.

DENNIS
Finally! Hallelujah!

TERESA
In Nebraska.

DENNIS
Nebraska.

JAKE
He seemed pleased.

DENNIS
To live in Nebraska? How could he be? The guy's an opera freak, for Godsakes!

MERRIK
You don't have to curse. What's wrong with Nebraska? The church is really strong in Nebraska.

DENNIS
Right. Cause there's nothing else to do. Can't even get stoned unless you grew up there.

MERRIK
America's heartland.

DENNIS
Well, good luck to him.

JAKE (u towards office)
I hope Helen's not doing a whole interview in there.

DENNIS
Me, too. I've got plans for lunch.

JAKE
Maybe we should put the chairs around.

MERRIK (they arrange chairs)
Good idea. Let's do that.

TERESA (sit rt in circle)
We could even start on the Positives, couldn't we? Without Helen?

JAKE (sings and dances, DENNIS joins)
"Accentuate the positives, eliminate the negatives, latch on to the affirmatives"-

DENNIS (stands c)
All right, people. Postives. This week I found out that I am even more resourceful than I had thought. I was cruising across the Nevada desert when I picked up this hitchhiker. He was dressed in what looked like hunting gear, you know, day-glow orange, and from the glaze in his eyes he was pretty well zonked. So I said to him--

JAKE
Uh, Dennis?

DENNIS
Yeah?

JAKE (rises)
Could you hold off on this one until Helen gets back, please?

DENNIS
Sure, man. But why? I mean, what's the problem?

JAKE
This sounds to me like a positive that could turn out to be a negative unless it's handled very carefully.

DENNIS
Oh, man, take it easy. This is a harmless story.

MERRIK
If it's your idea of a joke-.

TERESA
I think perhaps Jake is right, Dennis.

DENNIS (sits edge of desk lft)
OK, OK, somebody else start.

TERESA
I will, if that's all right with the rest of you.

JAKE
Sure.

MERRIK
Go ahead.

TERESA (stands)
Well, as Helen suggested, I investigated that international student organization.

MERRIK
What was this?

JAKE
Success Something. Always be suspicious of anything called "success".

TERESA
Success Unlimited's Student Services. Jake was right, it's one of those pyramid schemes. There are supplies to buy, like workbooks and videotapes--

DENNIS
The last ones in get screwed-

TERESA
No evidence that the foreigners would actually learn anything.

MERRIK
These are immigrants, these students?

JAKE
Pure fraud.

TERESA
But it did give me an idea. If these -- hustlers-- think there's a market, perhaps I could supply it honestly. I had these cards made up (passes cards around)
in English and Spanish and French. I'll pin them up in churches and community centers--

JAKE (stands)
Way to go, Teresa! Like Helen says, don't apply for a job, invent one! (Applause)

TERESA
Thank you. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

JAKE (takes center)
OK, my turn. Remember, last month I did an analysis to determine if putting in extra hours on real estate could increase my return. Helen decided that, in fact, I should cut back --

MERRIK
You're sure? That's a good idea?

JAKE
Based on the pool of buyers. No use talking somebody into a sale who can't get a mortgage-


MERRIK
But the guy who's short today may get it together-

DENNIS
Merrik. Jake's got the numbers.

JAKE
This system might help you, too, Dennis. With your contract bids- (JAKE passes DENNIS the papers)

DENNIS (passing papers to MERRIK)
That's OK, Jake. I prefer running on rightbrain.

JAKE
All right. Well, with the time freed up from real estate,I've developed a marketing plan in two other fields. Here's the package I'll use to impress the prospect. ( Applause. JAKE passes papers around)

TERESA
It certainly impresses me.

DENNIS
How long did this take you?

JAKE
About two weeks.

DENNIS
Ten, twelve hours a day?

JAKE
Pretty quick, for a project like this.

TERESA
But with your wife needing so much attention-.

JAKE
Before Janet was sick she would have been a real help on this. On the wording. Janet was an English major.

MERRIK
You do this on a Mac?
(HELEN and DEBBIE return, pause above group, watch. DEBBIE nods toward the group, challenging Helen to agree--)

JAKE
Yeah.

TERESA
It looks so professional.

JAKE
I considered colorplates. But this way I can customize--.

DENNIS
Merrik, you're next.

MERRIK
The Lord has blessed my endeavors so far, but I --

DENNIS
Merrik, please?

MERRIK
Well, I've been recontacting my network. I laid out a goal of 12 calls per day, plus follow-ups, and I've--

HELEN (comes down with DEBBIE)
Thank you Merrik. I'll take over now.

DENNIS
Helen, honeypie--

HELEN
Dennie the bad penny. Why have you turned up again?

DENNIS
You're breaking my heart.

HELEN
An organ you can't afford. Unless you've reactivated your health insurance?

DENNIS
Not a chance. I'm only worried about Kryptonite.

JAKE
We were doing Positives. Should we go on, or do you want to introduce the new member?

HELEN
People, this is Debbie. Debbie, this is Jake.

JAKE (stands, shakes hands)
Hi, Debbie. I'm Jake, a self starter, who's been able to take the lemons life hands me and make lemonade.

HELEN
Jake--

JAKE
When my company went out of business two years ago, and my income went from 120 k to zilch, I-

HELEN
Jake! Please. Just names, for now.

DENNIS (shakes)
Hi, Debbie. I'm Dennis.

TERESA
Teresa.

MERRIK (shakes)
Merrik.

HELEN
Debbie's most recent employment was as an applications programmer, but her line of software has been discontinued, and there are no immediate prospects for positions in her area.

JAKE
We can't help Debbie before she's done her personal exploration. Her values board, her Harrington/O'Shea...

DEBBIE
Believe me, if there's a test out there, I've taken it. My Self-Directed Search indicated that maybe I should be an architect, but

JAKE
That profession has 60% unemployment--

DEBBIE
So I spent 2 years going to college to qualify for a shit job I could have been taught in a week.

JAKE
You're in the rage stage. It's like a grief reaction. Once you hear about the rest of us and begin to pick up some perspective--

DEBBIE
Bullshit.

HELEN
Debbie, you promised.

DEBBIE
No lies, I said! No psychobabble.

HELEN
You've no reason to attack these people. They're in the same position you are---

DEBBIE
Not any more! Ok, go ahead, Helen. I'll just sit here and see how long you can talk without resorting to the bullshit.

MERRIK
Helen-

HELEN
Let's go on, please. Where were we?


JAKE
We were doing Positives. Teresa has a great idea for a business--

MERRIK
A tutoring business--

JAKE
That links her skills to a good cause--

HELEN
That's wonderful, Teresa! Let me see what--

DEBBIE
Helen!

HELEN
Teresa, you've done some impressive research, here--

DEBBIE
Bullshit! It's hopeless. A waste of time and energy. Isn't it?

HELEN
Realistically, there are factors to take into account--

DEBBIE
Teresa hasn't the temperament. Isn't that so? To carry on a business? What's her E-score?

HELEN
Near the bottom in entrepreneurial.

DEBBIE
Every time you'd try to talk some sucker out of his hard-earned buck, a little piece of your soul would shrivel up and die. At your age, you want to go through that? You want to hustle?

TERESA
This would be more of a service. I"ve done similar work as a volunteer--

DEBBIE
As a volunteer. Not selling. What'll you do when your customer won't pay?

TERESA
I suppose I'd--

DEBBIE
Would you harass him? Call his family? What if he's lost HIS job? Even if you could make yourself do that stuff, Teresa: realistically, what's your chance of success?

MERRIK
If there's a need, there's a market. It seems to me that Teresa's idea could work --

DEBBIE
Helen! What's the percent?

HELEN
Three quarters of all businesses fail within the first 2 years.
Leaving, on the average, debts of from seven up to --

DEBBIE
The kind of debt Jake has. How would you sleep at night, Teresa? Piling up the debt?

TERESA
Never mind. Really, I was just going through the motions.
To make a go of it, I'd need the persistence Jake has-

DENNIS
Show Helen your new plan, Jake. It's a beauty, Helen. He's really got his Desktop to stand and deliver--

DEBBIE
A mouse.

JAKE
I did use a mouse, yes. And "pagemaster", which I can run on--

DEBBIE
Laboring mightily, you brought forth a mouse, Jake. Helen?

HELEN
What is it that you want me to say?

DEBBIE
Something other than the bullshit! Truth, for instance.

HELEN
Maybe Jake's plan will work, maybe not. You think it's bullshit to give him encouragement? To look on the bright side? You think maybe I should tell him it's garbage? Nobody wants to look at it? How do I know that, for sure? Maybe there's no more chance of him getting a job with this than of winning the lottery -- but at least he's got a ticket! When this doesn't work--

DEBBIE
--which it won't.

HELEN
=--then he'll will come up with something else--

DEBBIE
Which will also fail.

HELEN
Life is like that. As long as Jake keeps trying--

JAKE
Failing doesn't make a failure. Giving up makes a failure. From every try, you learn--

DEBBIE
You'll never learn. Helen distracts you, she gives you busy-work. Don't you see?

JAKE
Now, wait a minute. I've been to three or four of these programs, and this one is definitely the best -

HELEN
The best! The best what? Look at you! All of you. Judging by results--!

TERESA
Helen gets results. As much as anyone can. There's Max.

DEBBIE
The economy's broke. Can't you see that? Middle class, working class, we're falling-- asking ourselves " What Color Is Your Parachute "? For us, there aren't any.

HELEN
Debbie, what's your point? These are educated people. They read the newspapers. They're aware of the effects of global competition---

DEBBIE
Come on! Global competition? The rich threw themselves a party, and sent the rest of us the bills. Nobody complained, cause you were all hoping to be invited--. I mean, that's what Helen tells you. Put on your party clothes, your smiles and your resumes. You, too, can be as smug and secure as she is. Bullshit!

HELEN
I'm trying to understand this, Debbie. Where all this hostility is coming from. You resent the fact that I'm a civil servant?

DEBBIE
Hell no! Uncle Adam at the Post Office-- he was a civil servant. Passed the exam. Showed up, regular, and was civil. Served his neighbors, handled their mail. Who do you serve, Helen?

HELEN
People who need me, who are in crisis, because they've lost their identities along with their jobs. I serve them -- (gestures)

TERESA
Of course she does.

JAKE
Really, as these things go--

DEBBIE
Oh, she's got you fooled. With her little lists, and her bullshit slogans. She makes you think she's on your side.
Together you'll march on to a brighter day--

HELEN
I never claimed to know the future. What I tell my clients, just like what I've always said to you, is based on projections from the best information available. Psychological studies, market research--

DEBBIE
My question is, do you believe that crap yourself? Are people like you, who make their living by training the rest of us to be sheep, too stupid and to see what's obvious on every street corner? Or are you just happy to be an exception, one of the lucky ones, holding on to a plum position in the only growth field there is--

HELEN
If your goal is to cost me my job--

DEBBIE
Maybe I think it'ld be a bit of justice. Because, thanks to your bullshit, I wasted the best years of my life. I never really looked around, I never noticed. You kept me grinding away so that now instead rejecting me because I'm unskilled, the bosses can reject me because I'm overqualified!

DENNIS (laughing)
Is that your problem?!

MERRIK
You don't think maybe the employer senses something of an attitude, in your case?

JAKE
Usually, overqualified is the euphemism for old.

MERRIK
Nobody's overqualified. A company's happy to have Albert Einstein total up groceries, as long as he works for the minimum and doesn't goof off dreaming up relativity.

JAKE
If the company hints at overqualified, you tell them salary's negotiable.

HELEN
You tell them bagging groceries is your life ambition. You tell them that you want to prove that a mature mathematician is the fastest bagger anywhere. Is that demeaning? Dishonest? Maybe. But it's no worse than the bullshit that I went through at your age. I had three children and an unemployed drunk for a husband and the world felt that all I was good for was scrubbing floors or changing bedpans. Women like me put up with crap you can't even imagine, so that your generation could feel entitled! Yes, I've been proud to call myself a professional. And now, after almost twenty years, the state may be about to cut me, too, in the next go-round. All this time I've been enough of a fool to believe what I'm doing's worthwhile. If that makes me a tool of the system--

TERESA
Of course you're worthwhile.

DENNIS
Listen, Debbie. If you want to survive, you don't stop to feel sorry for yourself, or anybody else. Losers lean on losers.

MERRIK
Rejection's just a fact. It's not personal. You can't let it get to you, or get in the way of your loving relation to the Lord-

JAKE
If we want to be in the lucky 10%--,

HELEN
Six percent--

JAKE
We need to be flexible, and we need to keep trying--

DEBBIE
Why? Why should we? If Jake gets the position, instead of some other guy who has exactly the same qualifications how is that fair? Maybe instead of hustling for a job, the other guy spent the last six months taking care of his sick wife.

TERESA
Well, my goodness--.

DEBBIE
Goodness has nothing to do with it. Isn't that right? What do you say, Jake? Nothing better to do with your brief time on earth than jump through hoops? On the off-chance that one of these little doggie tricks will land you a job?

JAKE
What are you talking about? You don't know me.

DEBBIE
That's right. I don't know you. But I know all about you.
Your wife's dying, and you spend 10 hours a day doing cold calls and resumes.

JAKE
How can you know what--?

DEBBIE
Helen told me! You're a hero at our house, you know that?

JAKE
I don't understand--

DEBBIE
When my dad's had it hard, or bitch and moan about my hours,, you're the shining example. The one who hangs in there, who keeps bouncing back and tries some more. Never mind what it cost your marriage--

HELEN
Debbie, please.


DEBBIE
You can't afford a heart, really. Haven't got the time.
You've got to decide on your colors and your print fonts.

JAKE
If I don't find a job soon, we're going to lose our home.

DEBBIE
Forget the job. There aren't any. Then what? Janet'll end up in the hospital, anyway. She'll die there whether you can pay for it or not. But the kids? What is it they see when they look at you? A noble warrior, struggling on against all odds, or a cold-hearted bastard who only exists as a money machine, running around, keeping up a front--(JAKE ATTACKS)

TERESA (all speak together)
Jake. She's too young to realize what --

DENNIS
Hey, man, what're you doing?

MERRIK
Easy, now. Take it easy.

JAKE
Do you know what it takes to get up and face a new day, when every move you make is useless? The more time I spend with Janet, the more I sink. If I ever really looked at my wife, I'd never have the courage--

HELEN(comforting Jake, confronting Debbie)
To go on, to keep going on. What else is there? When we give up, we take everybody we love down with us. Is that what you want, Debbie? You fail, I fail. Your father, and your uncle, and your cousins, -- anyone here you can get to go along with you? Yes. You can look at yourself as a victim, blame me, or the system. You can decide that Jake is a human failure --

JAKE
My private life is supposed to be confidential. You have no business--

DEBBIE
You gave it away! To her. (indicates HELEN) Traded it for her bullshit counseling--

HELEN
--But to me Jake's a hero. If my husband had had one tenth the gumption Jake does, I'd still be happily married. Jake doesn't whine, Debbie. He doesn't look around for excuses.

DEBBIE
We're not talking about weather here. It's not from an act of God that the CEO gets a big bonus every time he kicks a bunch of workers out the door Or is it, Merrik? Does God favor management?

MERRIK
Of course not. All souls are equal before God.

DEBBIE
Before God, and before the law, and in the family--

HELEN
Why bring it in here? As if these people don't have enough--

DEBBIE
I'm trying to get them to face it! Before they throw away their lives. I hope the state does cut you, Mom. I hope you end up in a place like just this, trying with all your might to fit in a system that doesn't give a shit--

JAKE
It's the only system we've got.

TERESA
This young lady is related to you? Helen?

HELEN
My daughter. My oldest daughter.

DEBBIE
My dear old mom. The expert.


DENNIS
A family spat! Soap opera! Damn, there for a while I thought we had ourselves a communist or something.

TERESA
Your mother doesn't deserve this, my dear. She's doing what she thinks best. That's all anyone can. Why are you so angry?

DEBBIE
Don't you see? Don't you get it? They're supposed to be on our side, but to them we're machinery. Patch it up, retool, toss it out--even my father, even her own husband! We go through this shit, we look at each other as -- as--!

HELEN
So what's your advice?

JAKE
We should shoot ourselves?

MERRIK
Shoot our ex-bosses? The kids?

DENNIS
Rob banks or burn down wall street?

DEBBIE
We don't need more crime, you jerk. We need revolution.

DENNIS
I came in here just needing a job.

DEBBIE
All of us! That's my point! The intelligence and energy that goes into places like this. If we organized, if we put our effort into giving workers the power -- (Teresa begins to smile, then
to giggle softly)

TERESA
My dear, I've been around a long time. If you think that doctoring a resume's bad -- have you ever been part of a political campaign?

MERRIK
If in 2000 years, Christ couldn't establish charity--

DEBBIE
Not charity, justice! When the boss makes 157 times what his workers make, we don't live in the same world. Democracy--
(the others begin to laugh) You think this system's nature! But it's not, it's antihuman, and we can change. Organize, sit in at our old jobs, children and poor folks and pets, form a chain of human refuse--. Or a hunger strike. (loud laughter) You think that's funny? If we starved together, that'd be something. Better than grab for the pie and hope the others die. Or you don't think so? You don't think so? What's the matter with you? Can't you see what's happening? What's the matter with you?

THE END

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