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A One Act Play
Fantasia For String Trio
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 1999
Geralyn Horton
 CHARACTERS
HARRY HARMONY, harassed husband.
BEVERLY HARMONY, Harry's first wife, petite and delicate.
SHARON HARMONY, Harry's second wife, tall and robust.
AMANDA HARMONY, a baby, to be played by a doll unless someone
connected with the show has a very cooperative infant.
The two women in Harry's "real" life also play four women in Harry's
fantasy life.
The play is set nowhere in particular, although at rise we seem
to be in some room of Sharon and Harry's house. At least one wide-seated
chair-- or a bench or a cube, something of that nature-- is required:
to become rocker, car, airplane, etc.
copyright 1999, 1985 by G. L. Horton
HARRY (to AUDIENCE)
Morning's not my best time. Especially not Monday morning. Well,
this year we celebrate the Fourth of July on the fifth, so this
particular Monday morning is actually a Tuesday. But I don't realize
that. Yet.
SHARON (holding fussing baby)
Harry! Harry, darling, hurry! Amanda's hungry.
HARRY (to SHARON)
The bottle's heating. (to AUDIENCE)
That's my wife, Sharon. Sharon's a real morning person.
When I was married to BEVERLY we had an awful time getting up—though
I guess it was mostly my fault, in bed and in getting out. The
alarm would go off and then BEVERLY'd push the button in before
my brain was in gear. When I finally woke up we'd row about it,
whose responsibility was it if I was late. Sometimes I wouldn't
even be asleep, just lost in daydreams--
SHARON
Harry!
HARRY (brings bottle)
Coming!
SHARON
Are you sure it's not too hot?
HARRY
It’s fine.
SHARON (hands over baby)
Last night it was too hot.
HARRY
Don't you have to be somewhere this morning?
SHARON
Twenty minutes. I've laid out all Amanda's things on the bed,
including a fresh diaper ready to wear. You will remember to check
her bottom right before the sitter comes?
HARRY
Yeah, sure. (thinks about it) Why?
SHARON
In case she's wet.
HARRY
Won't the sitter take care of that--?
SHARON
Amanda's getting a rash. If the sitter thinks we're careless about
changing her right away, she'll think the rash is our fault, and
she won't bother to change her right away, either. Trust me on
this, Harry. I have a master's in adolescent psychology. (SHARON
exits to finish dressing)
HARRY
O K. (burps Amanda) Oopps a bubble.
SHARON (in bare feet)
Have you seen my boots?
HARRY
The brown ones?
SHARON
No, the brown ones have a broken heel. Remember? You broke the
brown’s heel trying to use it to hammer in the catch on
the crib. So I've got to wear my black.
HARRY
I took them to the cobbler's.
SHARON
Why?
HARRY
Because I broke your heel and you left me a sarcastic note!
SHARON
About the brown ones! And it wasn't sarcastic.
HARRY
Darling...
SHARON
If you took it that way, I'm sorry. I know sometimes I suspect
that you screw up on purpose, to get out of doing your share.
But I didn't mean to imply that this was one of those times--
just normal ineptitude. You shouldn't be so sensitive.
HARRY
I thought the sensitive male was in this year. I thought that's
why you can love somebody so inept—I come with an extra
helping of sensitivity.
SHARON
I love you for your eyelashes. And for the way your voice rumbles
around in your chest when you're tired or feeling sexy. And because
you're just all-around generally cute. But, Harry? Not when you
pout.
HARRY
You're a good sport, Sharon. Can you wear shoes?
SHARON
I could if I had stockings.
HARRY
Why don't you just wear pants, like you do around here!
SHARON
Sorry! So now we've bent out of shape, are we?
HARRY
Cringing. In advance, before you hit me with why your missing
socks are my fault, too!
SHARON
Not at all. My hosiery is my problem-- entirely due to my overbooked
life.
You don't have to feel guilty. You know, Harry, if you kept better
track of what you really are responsible for, you wouldn’t
waste so much time feeling guilty.
HARRY
Oh, great! Now I’m supposed to feel guilty about feeling
guilty!
SHARON
You take everything I say as criticism.
HARRY
Everything you don't say, too. I saw you biting your tongue over
breakfast.
SHARON
I can cook our breakfast, dear. Easily. When we’re in a
hurry--
HARRY
I said I would! Do my share, for a change!
SHARON
Shhh, darling, you're upsetting the baby.
HARRY(sings)
"Husha bye, don’t you cry, all the pretty little horses..."
SHARON (the doorbell rings)
Darling..
HARRY
All right, I’ll shut up. Sorry I sing off-key.
SHARON
I'm tone deaf, why should I care! You've got me mixed up with
wife #1 again.
HARRY
If you're not nagging, why are you "darling"-ing me?
SHARON
So you’ll answer the doorbell. I'm not decent .
HARRY
I'm not decent, either. I'm covered with baby!
SHARON
All right, I'll get it. But if it's that dirty old postman-
HARRY
Go get your clothes! Take the baby--- oh, never mind. (opens door)
Beverly!
BEVERLY
Hi, Harry! Surprised?
HARRY
I’ve always been surprised by you in the morning. No matter
how I braced myself, the reality is more than--
BEVERLY
You need a license for that kind of talk, Harry. We're divorced.
HARRY
Yeah. So why do I have to face you before I'm shaved?
What do you want now?
BEVERLY
Oh, new storm windows, my own bathroom, a Caribbean vacation,
a life subscription to Symphony, a dance class, a limousine with
driver, a million dollars, maybe two more kids--
HARRY
Now wait a minute!
BEVERLY
I don't expect any of that from you, Harry. It’s just what
I want.
HARRY
You used to expect all that, and more! "Why can't we have the
moon, Harry? The Jones' have one!" Thank God I'm married now to
a woman who can stand on her own two feet!
BEVERLY
I can too, stand! I'm doing very well by myself, thank you! It's
not great, it's not the way women and children were meant to live,
but it's better than depending on a lazy, selfish, careless--
HARRY
Cut that out! You've no right, anymore!
BEVERLY
The only rights are what the court orders, is that it? Your kids’
feelings don’t matter, promises are so much hot air!
HARRY
Promises? You got everything, isn't that enough?
BEVERLY
You really don’t know?
HARRY
What, for Crissakes?
SHARON
What's all the yelling? I'm trying to get Amanda to sleep.
BEVERLY
Harry doesn't even remember that he was supposed to remember.
SHARON
I know. (sighs) But he tries. He really does.
HARRY
What are we talking about?
BEVERLY
You forgot something, Harry. Something important. What could it
be, I wonder?
HARRY
Your check was on time?
BEVERLY
Yes, thank you. For a change. No money for the swimming lessons,
though.
HARRY
All right, I forgot. I’ll make it up next--
BEVERLY
Oh, that hardly counts.
HARRY
I dropped off Jimmy's bedroll...
BEVERLY
You're getting warmer.
HARRY
Camp? I’m supposed to drive the boys to camp tomorrow.
BEVERLY
Today. One hour and seventeen minutes ago.
HARRY
No, camp’s on Tuesday.
BEVERLY
This is Tuesday.
HARRY
But yesterday was—crumb! They'll hate me!
BEVERLY
You could tell them I told you the wrong time.
HARRY (agrees)
Right! Your mother told me to show up at nine o'clock...
BEVERLY
Don't you dare! That's just how you'd handle it, you coward!
HARRY
Beverly, I'm sorry.(baby fusses) Shhhh...
Sharon. Should I take Amanda with me? To sleep in the car?
I've got to go get the boys.
SHARON
When?
BEVERLY
An hour and nineteen minutes ago.
SHARON
But Professor Morrison...
HARRY
You'll have to go there in a taxi.
SHARON
It's my car! Why can't the boys taxi?
BEVERLY
A hundred and ten miles? I never thought of that! It must be great
to be such a rich person. A real aid to the imagination.
SHARON
It's hardly fair for you to think of Harry and me as rich. I have
a profession, that’s all. At the moment, I’m well-paid--
BEVERLY
That's what I said to Harry when he left me.
HARRY
I didn't leave you! You kicked me out!
BEVERLY
You were gone long before I made it legal! It doesn't really matter
if you were out chasing well-paid women-
HARRY
I was working overtime! To pay your bills!
BEVERLY
Mine?! Your kids' bills, Mister Harmony, not mine! Chips off the
Harmony blockhead. Though for all the attention you paid them,
they must wonder. They had to go through a divorce to find out
they had two parents.
SHARON
But now they know, right? On weekends they're here. On Tuesdays
they have their mother. So why is it Harry's supposed to take
off work and confiscate my car and drive the yours-because-it's-Tuesday-
kids to camp?
BEVERLY
Because I can't.
SHARON
You drive. You got here.
BEVERLY
Driving on streets. But I don't drive on highways.
HARRY
She can't.
BEVERLY
Can’t go over 35.
HARRY
Tunnel vision.
BEVERLY
Harry never let me.
SHARON
But you're not married to Harry! You can drive however you want!
HARRY
Not with my kids she can't!
BEVERLY
I don't want to drive at all! My mother never drove! She walked
to church, she had a grocer who made deliveries. When she went
somewhere, she had Daddy to drive her. Why should I be forced
to get my license? It took me four tries, hundreds of dollars
in lessons, Harry screaming at me so-- I hated every minute of
it. But you can't be an American mother unless you get your license.
Why is that? Why does everybody have to be everything? Unisex.
Standardized.
SHARON
Humanized. No more pink and blue, his and hers--
HARRY
It was all to build up the man's ego, make him feel tall-,
BEVERLY
Well, you must feel like Mickey Rooney today, Harry. Stranding
your kids-
HARRY
I'm going!
SHARON
What about me? What about Amanda?
HARRY (puts on coat)
Take a taxi!
SHARON
This is not cute, Harry!
HARRY
One perfect person per family, that's the rule. Take a taxi. I'll
pay for it.
SHARON & BEVERLY
With what?
HARRY
Next month! Call the kids and say I'm on my way! (exit)
BEVERLY
Can I drop you somewhere, Sharon? Or better, you take my car to
your appointment, drop me at the bus stop? Can you handle an old
wagon? Of course: you can handle anything. That's why Harry married
you. (exit SHARON & BEVERLY. PANTOMIME OF CAR:
HARRY MIMES STARTING CAR, DRIVES
HARRY
God, a getaway! That was like being locked in a harem! A harem’s
pure hell!
Just get in the car and go.
The winds of Freedom.
American dream; a car and the open road-- (swerves)
Look out, asshole! Stupid-!
A little less of the Freedom stuff, Silverbird, fella.
We’re gonna be chauffeuring the kids to camp.
So easy does it. Safety first.
They're gonna have a great time.
They'd better, what it cost me.
Where does Jim-boy get that stuff, he'd rather hang out and play
Diablo?!
I should be the one going to camp. Camp Peace and Quiet.
Wouldn't that be something!
I hear they do have them for grown-ups, now. Tennis camp—ouch.
Fantasy camp.
Fantasy meaning sex, like Club Med? That would be awful!
The great thing about camp is it’s another world, nothing
but boys.
That’s the point of it. Fun. Sweet and simple.
They have lots of stuff, all different sports,
so you don't have to be star like basketball.
I got my medal for archery. Archery! But it made me proud.
No worries, no nagging, nobody to care if you match your socks,
or wash your hair, or eat what’s good for you, or stay in
out of the rain.
I never brushed my teeth till the morning before we go home!
God, I hope the boys don't do that!
Jack had three cavities last month. Fifty-seven bucks a pop.
If Jack doesn't shape up he'll have a mouth like Kevin Carrington's,
all mossy stumps;
What was that song we had about him?
"He’s Green Sixteen, he'll never be kissed!
Cruddy Kevin! Never be missed!”
What a loser! Last place, five events in the Camp Olympics!
Come to think of it, at Class Reunion, Kevin had teeth. White
teeth.
They looked real, even. Natural.
Must've set him back a fortune.—I wonder when?
Probably did it for his wife’s sake. Good looking woman
he married.
Well, more power to him. We had a lot of fun with old Crud.
The time we sawed through the rope on his upper bunk.
The rubber snake in his mess kit.
But the best one was the pollywogs in his sneakers!
Did he squeal! Counselor told him he ought to wear socks!
Can you beat that? “Counselor! Help!
Punish ‘em! I got toes all full of squished tadpoles!"
"Well, kid, why don't you wear socks!"
I hope Crud’s wife has got a sense of humor.
A lot of females just don't. The giggle, and tease, but….
Camp Quichee's co-ed, now. I hope that hasn't ruined it.
The staff must have to crack down, with girls right there on top
of them.
In my day, they were across the lake, at Pocohontus.
Pocohontus. Land of dreams.
Guys used to float stuff across to the girl's side.
Bottles with obscene messages. Rubber snakes.
Rubber snakes were a big item.
As was listening for the screams.
There was the time we all put pillows in our bunks for bed check,
And hiked around the lake in the dark.
Russ and Cruddy and me.
We found the girls' bath house and whittled out a peek hole
And then waited for one of them to get up and come pee.
We waited and waited. Got cold. Got cramps. Got bug bit. And waited.
Cruddy wanted us to take a chance,
sneak inside to see what was written on the walls.
Same jokes as ours? Or different ones?
We made up all kinds of gross stuff to write, but
but I told Cruddy there’s light in there, he'd get us all
caught.
So we waited some more.
We told each other every dirty joke we'd heard from first grade
on,
Trying not to laugh out loud-- which wasn't hard,
since we'd heard all the jokes before.
Then Cruddy fell asleep, and then Russ,
and then both my legs.
It was just about dawn when--
Rustle, step step, rustle-- one of them was coming!
Coming up the path, right now! I shook Cruddy,
One’s coming, she’s almost in sight now, she’s---
Leaping lizards! She’s a Counselor!
A Counselor! They know! We’re caught!
Run like hell, guys! Crimminy, legs, run!
It wasn't till years later, when I was a married man with kids
of my own—
Hell, a remarried man, with more kids!
Something Sharon said to Jimmy, some bathroom euphemism,
A long-delayed penny dropped:
Maybe that Counselor was coming there to pee!
It's a great mystery, it really is.
The opposite sex is a foreign country.
If anything, today it's harder.
You have one next to you playing shortstop,
you get to think you know what they're after:
But half the time what they're after's you!
Out to score a Gotchya.
The old rules were like diplomatic relations,
War by the rules. War by other means.
I don't like the sound of your engine, Silverbird.
You could use a tune-up.
A hundred bucks, minimum. Maybe two.
More than I paid for my first Chevvy.
I ought to tune you myself, Big Fella. I used to.
Can't be that much harder, in twenty years.
Takes tools, though. Metric tools.
Hell, I used to take the engine apart with a couple of wrenches.
When I got it back together,
I'd drive over and impress Beverly.
(BEVERLY, a younger BEVERLY, sits next to HARRY in the CAR).
BEVERLY
The Chevvy sounds great, Harry.
HARRY
Real smooth.
BEVERLY
And powerful.
HARRY
It ought to. This Chevvy's got 250 horses.
(BEVERLY giggles)
Plus a supercharger, and shaved three quarter racing cams.
BEVERLY
Is that why it’s so loud?
HARRY
Naw. Needs a new muffler.
BEVERLY
Sure makes it feel fast, roaring like that.
HARRY
We are going pretty fast, actually.
BEVERLY (she looks at the speedometer)
Oh! Wow.
HARRY
Not scared, are you?
BEVERLY
No....
HARRY
I guess you know I can handle this baby.
BEVERLY
Ummmhmm.
HARRY
Uh... Beverly?
BEVERLY
Huh?
HARRY
Could you move a little? I gotta shift.
BEVERLY
Oh. OK. Where're we going?
HARRY
I thought up by the reservoir
BEVERLY
Lantern Lane?
HARRY
If that's OK with you.
BEVERLY
Sure. I'm your girl. Aren't I?
HARRY
Yeah. You're my girl. For always.(embrace)
SHARON
Not girls, Harry. Women. We're women.
(out of the convention of the CAR and into the space of the imagination)
HARRY
I know. That's a problem, isn't it?
SHARON
Is it?
BEVERLY
What do you want us to be? The girl that you married...?
HARRY
I thought I could..! That we could..!
BEVERLY
What?
HARRY
You know, Beverly, I bet you'd 've been a perfect wife in the
old days. In 1800 or something, sitting and tatting… ( BEVERLY
puts on period attire)
SHARON (hands HARRY coat)
And you’d be a perfect husband?
HARRY (“entering” period)
It would certainly be easier.
BEVERLY (looks up from crocheting)
Mr. Harmony! (chaste kiss)
HARRY
My own dearest little wife!
BEVERLY (gives him slippers)
Are you chilled, my dear? Is there an ill wind outside?
HARRY
No more than I can endure, my love. ‘Tis my portion to brave
wind and weather.
BEVERLY
I can't help but feel how fortunate the weaker vessel is, to sit
cozy by the fire while her husbands wrests a living from the unaccommodating
world. Ere the weather turns wolvish, Mr. Harmony, you shall be
enfolded in this warm scarf as if in my grateful arms. (Harry
inspects her work)
HARRY
A pretty pattern, that.
BEVERLY (blushes)
Tis but a trifle--- oh! There's a slipped stitch! I must rip it
out, out! For nothing but perfection is worthy to---
HARRY
Gently, my dear! How fare the dear children?
BEVERLY (counts on her fingers)
Harry, Jr. has scanted his lessons, his tutor reports, but has
promised to amend, and begs you will allow him to ride out with
you on Saturday next. James and Jerome held a hoop tournament,
which James won, and the triumphant champion intends to challenge
young Harry tomorrow. Sally and Ann and Matilda have learnt the
French Double Knot, which they will show you anon. The twins were
tormenting Tabby past all bearing, a transgression which earned
them each a scratching. The naughty pair have been banished to
the nursery to learn a Bible verse for repentance, and Tabby to
the cellar to amend her manners. Baby has a tooth, I think. Would
you like to see it?
HARRY
Not till Children's Hour. We mustn't spoil them.
BEVERLY
Quite so. (pause, rises) rest in this chair, dear. It’s
best.
HARRY
Warmed by your dear little-
BEVERLY
Mr. Harmony! Forbear! Naughties upset me so. I nearly—
HARRY
Nearly what?
BEVERLY
Nearly dropped a stitch! Did I show you my tatting?
HARRY
Incessantly. Are you certain you’ve told me all?
BEVERLY
Oh, Harry! Sparing my blushes, I-- I-- I had words with cook.
HARRY
What sort of words?
BEVERLY
Harsh words. Unforgivable. She-- she went to put ginger in your
piccalilli! I've told Cook time and again that you hold ginger
in the strongest aversion, time and again that ginger gives you
the pip! So this time I gave Cook a scold, a mild scold and--oh,
Harry! Cook said a naughty! A very bad one.
HARRY
Cook won't be leaving!?
BEVERLY
Not if you'd prefer to keep her, of course. But her influence
on the little ones--
HARRY
I don’t think we need fear on that account, my dear. I trust
that you and I can counteract any below-stairs influence. Don't
you, Mrs. Harmony?
BEVERLY
Yes, sir. As you say. Did--did I do wrong?
HARRY
No harm done by an occasional scold. So long as you don't scold
me!
BEVERLY
Scold you! Oh, I'd never dream of it! It's not my place.
HARRY (pats lap)
What is your place then, poppet? (BEVERLY titters, shrinks)
Come on, sit right here, that's my good girl.(pulling her down)
BEVERLY (fear and disgust)
So soon, Mr. Harmony? The baby's but six months---
HARRY (dismay)
Oh. Oh, rats!
BEVERLY (out of character)
Well, what did you expect? Rampant lust? Not even a kiss until
married, and then seven kids in eight years?
HARRY
Well, I uh...I thought a good wife back then would be at least
compliant. Pleased that her husband found her pleasing.
BEVERLY
Really? That’s what you think? OK, it's your fantasy.....
HARRY
Never mind. I’m out of the mood, now. If she sees me as
some sort of vulgar animal I wouldn’t want to—
SHARON (in nursemaid's outfit, an ample expanse of bosom)
Did you ring, sir? Oh, madam! I was just giving the wee one 'er
bath, Mum, but if you'll pardon the liberty I think the little
thing wants 'er mother.
BEVERLY
Oh. You will excuse me, Harry, darling? You’ll have Nanny--
HARRY
Go right ahead. (puts his head in his hands and groans)
SHARON (massages HARRY’s head.)
Headache, sir? Let me have a go at it. M’ Pa always said
as I’ve got good hands.
There, there, now. Starting to loosen up some, ain’tchya,
sir?
HARRY
You've marvelous hands, Nanny.
SHARON
I know, sir. It's a satisfaction, it is, to be able to make a
body comfortable. I've always known what's best for my little
men. A bit of warm. A bit of comfort. A bit of a cuddle. Jimmy-James,
and Jerry, Thomas and Harry too, now. Whenever they got an ache
or a bruise or a bit o’ trouble, they knows to come right
to me.
HARRY
But a boy's supposed to grow up and over that.
SHARON
Like you done?
HARRY
I try. God knows I try.
SHARON
Good job. But it’s hard, isn’t it, sir? having to
carry the lot of us, and nobody even s’posed to guess how
the load gets you down.
HARRY
I don't dare mention it! There's rumors around the office, I think
my boss has been asked to resign. That means they'll be gunning
for me. But if I even hinted to my first wife I could be out of
a job, she'd panic. Throw a tantrum. How will I support the kids?
Then she'd go into a depression, and blame me for that, too. One
good thing about divorce. When I fail, I don't have to apologize
to BEVERLY. Besides, without a husband, she could get welfare
or something. Not that I'd let it come to that. I'll find a new
job. Somewhere. I'm strong, I've got self-discipline, I'm not
the kind of whimp to let Sharon support me. Can't break down like
a kid when you've got kids of your own.
SHARON (pulls HARRY onto her lap)
Stiff upper lip, sir? On the outside, maybe. But who can say the
grown-up world’s such a perfect place that you’re
never entitled to a good cry? Or a good soft shoulder to cry on?
There's a child down inside you, Master Harry, alive in there
at any age, until you're put in a box and planted. I’ve
a way with children, turn him over to me. Let that poor baby boy
cry, and even stamp and shout. Let him out to play.
HARRY
Nobody wants to play with me. I never get picked till last.
SHARON
Last?
HARRY
Well, right before Cruddy Kevin.
SHARON
I like to play a bit of cock horse when I’m blue-deviled,
m’self. How about it?
(he sits on her offered leg, bouncing as she sings)
"Ride a cock horse , To Banbury cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse.."
HARRY (laughing)
We're too big for this.
SHARON
Stuff! You’re just the right size, and as young as you feel!
Come on, Harrykins!
"To Banbury cross
Rings on his fingers and bells on his toes
He shall have music wherever he'.."
(HARRY has bumped his head)
Poor baby! Haszu gotta booboo?
(Harry whimpers. She draws him onto her bosom)
There, there, my darling wee man.
(she rocks him. He buries his face in
her hugeness, nuzzles and pats.
My little cabbage head.
(she hums a lullaby, rocks)
(tiny pleasure sounds and burbles from Harry)
HARRY (leaps up)
Cabbage head! I'm not a vegetable!
SHARON (retreating)
Relax. Enjoy. You’re entitled.
HARRY
I can't just-- wallow. A man's got to keep moving, make progress,
get his motor running, work up to speed.... master of machines,
not servants. Brumm. brumm.
(He makes an engine-noise. Puts on sunglasses as goggles, scarf,
then spreads his wings and flies.)
Take off for adventure! This is more like it, now. Cruising in
my Silverbird, over uncharted territory. Flying by the seat of
my pants.
(He sits down on car seat, "cockpit")
Don't need instruments, just listen to this baby purr and I can
tell exactly when to pour on the power, just how close I can cut
it. Come on, Silverbird Sweetheart!
(BEVERLY's head comes up from behind seat, wearing a WWI aviator's
helmet. She is dressed in Mata Hari slink, speaks with a husky,
sexy "mittle-European" accent)
BEVERLY
Come on, big boy, make-a ze move.
HARRY
What are you doing here?
BEVERLY
I vant to come along for ze ride. You haf ze hobjections, Sport?
HARRY
Uh..no. Not as long as you don't get scared and act like some
silly ass female.
BEVERLY
Silly like vhat?
HARRY
Well, like screaming.
BEVERLY
Not even a tiny little thrill-scream, like-(she embraces him)
Vhee-hew!
HARRY
I guess that's O.K. But you won't puke or anything, will you?
I gotta turn over here, do some loops. I'd really hate it if you
puke.
BEVERLY
Try me, Sport.
HARRY
Hold on. Here goes. (they mime the effects of looping, upside-down
flight.)
BEVERLY
Whee! Oh, Harry!
HARRY
Don't worry, honey, I can handle this. Go, Silverbird!
BEVERLY
Oh, yass, yass. Oh, Harry, zhis is so excitink. Kiss me!
HARRY
Uh. Miss? Do you mind- uh- ? I gotta see. (she is twined around
him )
BEVERLY
Harry. Harry, let's do eet.
HARRY
Eet?
BEVERLY
Eet!
HARRY
Now?
BEVERLY
Yass, Harry. Now.
HARRY
How? I mean, we're a mile up in the air__
BEVERLY
You haf heard of ze the mile high club, yass?
HARRY
That’s in Denver? I've never--careful!
("plane" lurches and dives)
BEVERLY
Keep us flyink, Harry. I vill see to our initiation.
(she gets into an extreme position, legs wrapped around his neck)
HARRY
Oh. Oh. Wait..I-- can't this wait until we’re safe on land?
BEVERLY
When ve land ve do eet some more. In ze hanger. In ze taxi. On
ze way to my luff nest. I've got in my nest everyting ve could
vant. A Jacuzzi: you've alvays vundered about ze Jacuzzi, ‘n
now you vill fell in mine like tunder. Effen your knees and elbows
vill have orgasm. Then, on the trampoline, ve are jumping together,
flying up and down, up and down, up and --
HARRY
Let go I, .. I may be-- sick .. fraid we're ... falling.....!
(mime of dizzy spin)
SHARON (blows whistle. She wears a baseball cap, shorts, sneakers,
a T-shirt stenciled CAMP POCAHONTAS)
All right, guys, cut it!
Let's clean up the act. Sound mind in a sound body.
Line up now, gang. (leads them in exercise)
One, two. One, two. One, two.
BEVERLY
Vhat are ve doink here?
HARRY
This is camp. You’re gonna love it. After we exercise.
BEVERLY
Vhat you mean, “Ve?” I dun't need no exercise. Vhat
I need--
HARRY
Shh! In line.
SHARON
Gotta get in shape, kid.
BEVERLY
Dhere's nothink vrong vith mine shape.
SHARON
Not now, maybe. How about when you're fifty?
BEVERLY(to Harry)
How about eet?
SHARON
Uh. Maybe you'd rather do crafts. You like crafts? Woodworking?
You ever see a box like this one? (she holds out a box. BEVERLY
looks at it warily.)
Go on, take it. Cross my heart, it won't bite.(motions to Harry
to share the joke) Go on, open it up. (BEVERLY opens the box,
a rubber snake jumps out,
BEVERLY screams and runs off. HARRY and KID SHARON laugh)
SHARON (calls after her)
What's the matter, can't you take a joke? What a sissy.
HARRY
Yeah.
SHARON
Want a piece of gum?
HARRY
Sure.
SHARON
Great day, huh? Sunshine, cool, not too much wind. Perfect day
for archery.
HARRY
You like archery?
SHARON
Sure. I think archery's about the swellest sport there is. William
Tell, Robin Hood, Harry Harmony. All the really neat guys were
shooters.
HARRY
I was Camp Champ, once.
SHARON
I bet you were! Look at those hands! You want to shoot a round?
HARRY
I don't even have my bow any more. Jimmy cracked it, playing Indians.
He was too young to appreciate a good bow-
SHARON
Use mine. Too light for someone strong as you are: but it's got
precision flex.
HARRY (inspects it)
Sixty pound bow?
SHARON
Seventy.
HARRY
Wow. Nice. Why don't you-?
SHARON
Go on. Be my guest.
HARRY
You go first. Demonstrate its--
SHARON
OK. (she fires)
HARRY (impressed)
Bullseye!
SHARON
Off center, though. You can do better. (hands him the bow)
HARRY
Been so many years-- (shoots twice) Jeeze, that's awful!
SHARON (helps him adjust)
Yeah. Well, you know, the bow throws a little to the left, so
maybe when you allow for that. And ease up some: you got a quiver
in your thumb.
HARRY
Maybe I should give you my quiver. To put your arrows in.
(she laughs. He's surprised and pleased )
Here goes nothing. (he shoots)
SHARON (as he goes to get arrows)
Bullseye! Bullseye! Bullseye! Great shooting, champ!
HARRY
Yeah! Wasn't it! But I split your arrow. Gosh,.
SHARON
Yeah. You destroyed it: my one bullseye.
HARRY
I'm sorry.
SHARON
I'm not! It was worth an arrow to see shooting like that.
I'll keep the stump as a souvenir.
HARRY
You're a good sport. You know that?
SHARON
Thanks. Want to paddle down to the lodge? Here’s my canoe.
(they “get in", HARRY in front, KID SHARON behind him)
HARRY (paddling)
I'm not sure I ever got the hang of these things.
SHARON
Feather. And try to keep your stroke close and parallel.
HARRY
I don't think...
SHARON (takes "paddle")
It’s OK. I'll paddle.
HARRY
If I watch for a while, maybe I'll catch on.
SHARON
Relax. You've done enough for one day.
HARRY
It's so peaceful, floating along like this.
You know, in some ways you remind me of my wife.
SHARON
Hmmm? (the "canoe" becomes a car again. Harry is driving.)
HARRY
Except that you're more.... I mean, Sharon would be perfect if
only she weren't so... I mean, like you, there's something basically
wholesome about her. A good sport. I mean if she were a kid and
I were a kid and we went to the same camp, I bet we'd have a swell
time together, but--. Boy, I sure hope the girls at this camp
my boys're going to will be good sports, like Sharon. Girls Jimmy’s
age can be such snots, they can make a kid feel like he’s
lower than—that he’ll never-. Sometimes without even
trying! But -- well, Sharon's not a kid. She's a grown-up. A real
grown-up. So when I'm caught out doing something stupid and childish,
it's kinda hard not to think of her as a Counselor! You know what
I'm saying?
SHARON
Uh huh.
HARRY
I knew you'd understand me. Not that I'm so hard to understand.
Hell, even Beverly understands me. But...
SHARON
Uh, Harry? Is it OK if I remind you of something? Just a little
something you might want to call to mind from time to time? Maybe
even pass on to your sons?
HARRY
Uh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Shoot.
SHARON
Well. When you happen to notice that you’re acting like
a fool? Anybody in the vicinity tends to look like a Counselor.
And Harry? Even a Counselor has to pee.
(KID SHARON waves goodbye. HARRY thinks about what she said, grins,
turns “car” into drive, stops and blows the horn.)
HARRY
Jimmy! Jerome! Get your gear out here, guys! We may be off to
a late start, we may be underdogs, but the Harmony Guys Camp Special
is ready and raring to go!
THE END
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