Act Two
THE T SHOW:
Breaking In at the MBTA
music by Ross Dabrusin (available on request)
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2000
Geralyn Horton
ACT TWO
ON THE RIGHT TRACK: shooting the breeze in the B.C. barn
DRIVER 2
There she is, the Queen of the Line! Do you know this lady, Thomas?
She's one of our better operators.
DRIVER 1
Sure. She's the best girl we've got. Cause she's the only girl
we've got.
DRIVER 2
Not for long. Two more girls breaking in next week.
DRIVER 1
Jeeze, they're taking over.
DRIVER 2
They'll be running this place before you know it. You take the
starter's exam yet?
DRIVER 3
If I were you, I'd take it as soon as I could. The company's got
to get some minorities in there, and a smart girl like you can
go right to the top.
DRIVER 1
Sure is tough to be a minority. Hey, I heard one of em took a
shot at you the other night. Bullet went right through the car?
(the phone rings. DRIVER 3 answers it.)
I got shot at over here about a year ago. Took a pane of glass
out of the door, up by the Project. I never told my wife about
it. She'd a had hysterics.
DRIVER 3 (to phone)
You'd better talk to the starter. (to starter) Lady says
the 7:36 closed his door on her head.
STARTER (takes phone)
Sorry, madam. No heads turned in today. (hangs up) They
had to make me a starter. I started to have so many accidents
the company had to get me off the street. I was going around the
loop at Heath St. by the hospital first thing in the morning.
There was ice on the tracks and when I went for the brake I realized
I wasn't going to be able to stop. There's a Toyota with a nurse
in it heading right for me and all I can do is keep pumping the
brakes and bang that gong and hope the lady in the car will realize
that I'm sliding. She realizes it all right, but it's too late:
you should have seen the expression on her face! She was a great
big black woman with a little white nurse's cap on, sitting in
her little yellow Toyota, and I lifted her right up in the air
and set her back down. Another time on the Arborway line where
it turns at South Huntington, there's that stripe painted on the
side of the track... I thought it showed the overhang of the trolley...
I guess that's what it's supposed to show, but at the corner there
the guy with the paint must've stopped in for a couple of beers,
cause I followed that stripe down past a car to make the turn,
and my draw bar just went rrrrrip right down the side of that
automobile. Brand new car, and I opened it up just like a can
opener! A couple of weeks later I was driving along and I had
the Inspector on board, and I'm telling him about it... "Yeah,
right up here's where I hit that guy, yeah, funniest thing,"
and I'm talking away to him and rrrrrip!! I look down and damned
if I haven't done it again!
DRIVER 1 (confidentially)
The women're going to ruin this job, you know. All those years
the union fought to get us some respect, decent benefits, a wage
where a man can raise a family. The public looks at us now, what
do they see? They see niggers, they see women: no way they're
gonna believe the job's worth decent money.
DRIVER 2
I heard a rumor you wanta be a starter down in the subway. Go
on, try it - what the hell, if you don't like it you can always
bail out. Lots of guys have, thrown in the starter's badge.
DRIVER 4
You hear about that little blonde who came on the job with you?
In a cast from her neck to her hips. They say if she'd been any
bigger she'd've been killed. I hope they don't pin that accident
on her. Some kids busted the lock and set the switch so there'd
be a head-on.
DRIVER 1
Kids! What won't they do? Did you hear about the time a ten-year-old
stole a trolley out of the yard, and took it clear down to the
tunnel, making the stops, collecting all the fares? Not big enough
to see over the windshield, and the people never noticed a thing!
Had such a good time that after he abandoned that car at Northeastern,
he rode out to Riverside and stole another one! Not so lucky there:
the yard switch was against him and he derailed, tied up the yard
for three hours.
WOMAN DRIVER
The yard's tied up here now. Anybody seen a shifter to move some
of these cars?
DRIVER 3
Probably playing cards.
DRIVER 1
Or reading the paper. Shifters're great readers.
DRIVER 3
Like Dimmie. (laughter) One time Dimmie's shifting a car
from the B.C. house down the hill, three in a row, he's bringing
up the rear. All day he's been doing trailers, so he forgets he's
the one driving and starts reading the paper! Wham! he hits the
second car and then wham! slams the second car into his leader.
DRIVER 1
After that one they made him a collector.
WOMAN DRIVER
Janice says they'll put us in the collector's booth if we get
pregnant.
DRIVER 3
Don't let that booth make you nervous, like the Dimwit. He tripped
the ADT alarm. Got the starter, Inspector, T cops, Boston's finest,
guns drawn, sirens... All he wanted was to make sure the alarm
works, yuk yuk.
DRIVER 1
Another time a women turned him in for exposing himself. She said
he was sitting there in the booth with his penis in a paper cup.
The office called him in to hear his side of the story, and Dimmie
says, sure , he had his penis in a paper cup. He's got an infection,
the doctor told him "soak it morning, noon and night."
and It's noon, so he's soaking.
ROUND AND ROUND THE TROLLEY RIDE
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
Hello, honey. Been a while since I've seen you. I saw Gale this
morning, she's feeling better. I saw Maryann. I can tell her you
said hello. She's driving on the Beacon line now. She has Wednesdays
and Thursdays off, just like you do. (sound effects)
PASSENGER
I'm going the right way for the Haymarket?
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
Three stops. You change there for the Orange Line.
PASSENGER
Oh, thanks.
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
There goes a two car train. If that's the seven-fifteen, it ought
to be Frank driving. (he waves) Hi, Frank!
(bell clangs) (horn toots in return)
I'm making Frank a wood box like the one I made for Maryann. Hers
is all Cherry, but Frank's is going to be Maple. I can make you
one if you'd like one. I'm going down to Kenmore now and wait
for Maryann to come through and ask her how she likes her box.
PASSENGER
Am I headed this way to the ball park?
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
Just watch me, sir. That's where I'll be getting off.
YOUNG WOMAN
Is there some where I can get those special passes for Students?
P.A.ANNOUNCEMENT: "Auditorium"
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
Where do you go to school?
YOUNG WOMAN
BU.
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
There aren't any special passes for college students, just for
high school and grade school and handicapped and senior citizens.
And blind people. Blind people get to ride for free. Any time
we want. We can take a friend on with us too, if we want to. Would
you like to ride with me, Honey?
YOUNG WOMAN
Well, I....
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
I know the whole system. I can show you every stop and every switch.
YOUNG WOMAN
I have to go to school......
VOICE ON P.A.
"KENMORE"
YOUNG BLIND BLACK MAN WITH CANE
This is our stop, sir. Fenway Park. Nice to see you, honey.
YOUNG WOMAN
Ahhhh... nice to meet you.
YOUNG MAN
Amazing, isn't he? It really starts you thinking.
YOUNG WOMAN
He's so... cheerful. To know all that about the trains.
YOUNG MAN
Too bad he's gone. Maybe he could tell us why this one's stopped.
YOUNG WOMAN
Do you think we've broken down?
YOUNG MAN
Knowing the T....
YOUNG WOMAN
This is the first time it's ever happened to me!
YOUNG MAN
It won't be the last. The trick is to carry something to read.
YOUNG WOMAN
I've certainly got that! (holds up pile of books, laughs)
YOUNG MAN
Edgar Cayce! I've read his books.
YOUNG WOMAN
It's for a course.
YOUNG MAN
I don't know if I believe in that stuff, reincarnation and like
that: but it sure would explain those feelings you get sometimes.
You know, how you look at somebody you're certain you've never
met and and yet it just feels as if you know her...
YOUNG WOMAN
Did you get that feeling too?
YOUNG MAN
Last Friday. I saw you get on and I wanted to say something to
you right then, but I was afraid you'd think I was a jerk.
YOUNG WOMAN
A jerk I knew in a previous life! (they smile)
YOUNG MAN
Where are you going to school? B.U.?
YOUNG WOMAN
Ummmhmmm. If we don't move soon, I'm late to class.
YOUNG MAN
We are moving.
YOUNG WOMAN
My God, I'm past my stop! (she starts to get off)
YOUNG MAN
Wait! I'm Jim Donnelly, jumior at B.C.! How can I see you?
YOUNG WOMAN (outside now)
Sally Pomroy, 783-7450.
YOUNG MAN (desperate)
783 what?
All PASSENGERS IN TROLLEY
7450!
MOVING UP AND GOING UNDER: BREAKING IN AS A STARTER
INSTRUCTOR
You're going to get a week to break in as starters. We'll spend
two days on the switches and stations, one day out to the Arborway
on PCC's , Thursday we'll be at Riverside with the LRV school.
I've tried to get another day for you on LRV's, but... I think
by Saturday you'll be on your own. Some of the guys've had more,
some less. There was a while when the company issued you your
keys and told you to pick it up as you went along. Course, it
used to be you had to have five years experience as an operator
before they let you take the test to come down here, so by 5 years
you'd be bound to be pretty familiar with the equipment.
STARTER
The first disabled train I had, I forgot to pull the sticks. If
the inspector hadn't come along to check me out, I'd've had a
three-car runaway.
WOMAN OPERATOR
You're going to be the first woman starter, huh? Congratulations!
STARTER
She's not the first. There's one on the busses. I've never seen
her, but my cousin has.
DOWN IN THE DARK
(in the subway tunnel. Played in the dark, with the starters
flashights)
INSTRUCTOR
I've tried to show you as much of what you'll need to know as
I can. With the subway, though, in three days we've just scratched
under the surface. You'd be Amazed what's down here! Poke around.
When things are quiet in your station, use your keys, use your
flashlight: find out! Open doors, check out your tool box, walk
down the tube and peek in all the nooks and crannies. Whenever
you go someplace dark, though, be sure to make a lot of noise.
You don't want to panic anything that's in there. (eeekkk!!)
INSTRUCTOR
What's the first thing you do when a three-car train has no green
light?
CLASS (two men and a woman, sitting next to the front row
of audience)
Check the rear. Release the emergency brake. See if the doors
closed.
INSTRUCTOR
How do you know there's a problem with the Siemans breaker?
CLASS
Down to one quarter lighting. No power.
INSTRUCTOR
Suppose you come up to a PCC and the alarm buzzer's ringing?
CLASS
Trolley shoe....air.....by-pass.....emergency...
INSTRUCTOR
How many air cocks on an LRV?
CLASS (together)
Three!
INSTRUCTOR
Don't forget the drawbars! There's an air cock in the drawbar!
When it's low air on a PCC, remember, SECURE YOUR TRAIN. First,
last and always, SECURE YOUR TRAIN.
STARTER
Don't hesitate to get on the radio and ask us for help. You don't
have to be a hero. Nobody's going to chew you out cause you're
not superman. They WILL want to know why you tie up the line for
ten minutes while you figure out that you don't know how to figure
out what to do. Ten minutes times ten trains is a hellava lot
of angry commuters.
INSTRUCTOR
We've got three basic types of fire extinguisher.......
STARTER
Some of the guys are saying a girl's not strong enough to pull
over the switch handles, or lug the jacks....
INSTRUCTOR
I've got confidence in you. A lot of you little girls are stronger
than you look.
STARTER
Coinboxes can weigh thirty pounds or more. But you don't have
to carry two at a time, like the musclemen.
INSTRUCTOR
You don't even have to carry one. You can drag it. Robby, come
on over here. I want you to witness her lift this fire extinguisher.
STARTER SONG (in spotlight)
(sung by one or more women)
Big red badge and rings of keys
Spaghetti on my hat
I hope that I've impressed you that
I'm..... a starter!
Took the test and came out best
So now I get to shine
Gotta run those trains on time...
I'm on ....the line!
I'm on my walkie-talkie
Just to keep in touch
There's not a thing that I don't know
(do do de o do)
Well, no , not much!
Traffic's backed up on the track
T'system's coming apart, here..
Gonna show em what I know,
Cause I'm.... a starter!
N that means ....I'm smarter!
IN THE STATION (full light)
DRIVER 2
How's it going? Any of the guys see you coming and say, hey, we'll
wait for a real starter?
DRIVER 3
Don't pay any attention to em. When the Inspector's exam comes
up, you take it, and the Instructor's ...you can laugh all the
way to the bank.
INSTRUCTOR
You want to make Inspector some day, you can't be squeamish. Inspector's
first on the scene: the operator's usually in shock. You call
the cops and the ambulance. You jack up the car if the guy's under
it, or pry him out if he's wrapped around a tree. One time a guy
came up to me and handed me an arm. What was I supposed to do
with it? I threw it on the sand car!
STARTER (1)
You still carrying that dinky flashlight? If you're going to take
this job seriously, you go down to the cop supply on Boylston
and get yourself a police belt, with a handcuff holster and a
big steel flashlight like this one, a heavy-duty five-cell. While
you're at it, get a mace-gun to hang on the other side. This flashlight's
a billyclub at cloe quarters. Some guys swing for the jaw. but
I say go for the nose. Break his nose, the blood spurts both ways
He's blinded and can't get at ya.
INSTRUCTOR
Don't worry too much. Just do your best. The office knows it takes
about a year and a half before you're supposed to know what you're
doing down here.
(BLACKOUT)
P. A. ANNOUNCEMENT
"Due to operational difficulties we are experiencing some
delays on the Green Line. We have a disabled vehicle between Auditorium
and Copley, but officials are on the scene and we expect to be
moving shortly."
STUCK IN THE TUNNEL (dark, a pale glow from emergency lighting,
standees jammed together on the disabled trolley)
WOMAN 1
Shortly! Ha!
WOMAN 2
Is that girl one of them, those what-do-you-call-ems?
MAN 3
Starters.
RADIO VOICE (male)
409, have you got another adaptor? This hunk of junk just busted!
WOMAN 1
That's a laugh. Ought to call em stoppers. Look at em all running
around: we've missed the first three innings already!
MAN 4
I swore I'n never ride the damn train again, but you had to talk
me into it, didn't you, sweetheart?! "How'll we ever find
a place to park there, dear? Think of the money it'll cost us
for parking!" Twelve-fifty tickets, and here we sit. I hope
you're satisfied, sweetheart!
MAN 1
Are we ever gonna move?
MAN 2
We musta been here an hour!
WOMAN 3
Forty-seven minutes.
WOMAN 2
It's a hundred and ten degrees in here.
MAN 1
At least won't somebody tell us what's going on? Here we are trapped,
and they won't even tell us what's going on.
MAN 3
"Operational difficulties!"!
WOMAN 1
Look at'em, there must be a dozen of em out there, and they don't
give a damn about the people!
WOMAN 2
We could suffocate. You can't breathe in here.
MAN 3
If you'd stop pushing...
MAN 1
They'd better get us our money back!
MAN 2
More'n that, I'm worth ten bucks and hour. I want compensation.
I'm gonna sue.
WOMAN 2
I think I'm going to faint. Will you let me out, please? Or do
something! I'm going to faint!
RADIO VOICE
407 to Central: Can we have an ambulance for Copley Outbound?
SONG: THE STARTER'S SONG
Th' system's coming apart, here..
Gotta show 'em what I know,
Cause I'm.....(blast of train's air horn)
P A ANNOUNCEMENT
"Due to operational difficulties....."
COLLECTOR ON DUTY in his booth.
(STARTER'S CALL BELL rings)
COLLECTOR (male)
Would you mind go up to Arlington and get me $20.00 in quarters
from Charley ? I called for the money man three hours ago, but....
WOMAN 3
I want my money back. please.
COLLECTOR
I can't give you your money back. Once it's in the machine, it's
counted.
WOMAN 3
But I paid for service! There's no service! You double the fares
and then you double the breakdowns!
COLLECTOR
The cars are running now.
WOMAN 3
But I can't get on! The platform's so crowded I can't get on,
and I've missed my appointment!
COLLECTOR
I can give you a transfer, you can use it another time...
WOMAN 3
You shit! You love it, don't you? Watching the fools rush around,
trampling each other trying to squeeze in like cattle, like a
concentration camp. Not you---you've got two Cadillacs, bought
with my money!
MAN 1
No, don't give me a transfer. You want to know what you can do
with that transfer? I'm not ever gonna transfer to any of your
so-called vehicles again! I want my money, and I want my friend's
money back. I know you got rules, and it's not your fault and
I'm being stupid and petty, but goddam it I've got to take it
out on somebody and I'm damned if I'm gonna let you incompetent,
inconsiderate, inexcusable bastards keep my quarter! I don't care
if I have to stand on the track and block service for another
hour. I'm so late now, I'm gonna stay till I get satisfaction!
MAN 4
I'm the manager of an electrical company, and for years I've been
telling my employees, "take the T, take the T". Never
again! Take a taxi, steal a car, ride a horse, roller skate if
you have to! They only thing to do with the T is dress up like
Indians and dump it in the Harbor!
COLLECTOR
You know, I do kind of love it. Before I got back trouble, I'd
done most of the jobs on the property. Porter, Inspector, Dispatch,
....but this is place to be , behind this glass. The psychology!
The public can get TO you, but they can't get AT you. A great
job for people-watching. Rats in a maze. It's an intelligence
test. Buy a token, put it in the machine, turn the bar. You'd
be surprized how many people flunk it! Never underestimate human
stupidity. Look at that guy, now. he can't figure out that you
have to PULL the gate. that's right, sir: PUSH HARDER! What a
jerk! Your average woman is a little smarter. It probably comes
from centuries of figuring out what their men're up to : but when
you work with the public like this you begin to notice: women're
a little smarter. And they've got a sense of humor. There's a
couple of games I play, when I see a woman who looks like she'd
enjoy it.
WOMAN 1
One, please.
COLLECTOR
Instead of change for that ten, would you like a gift certificate?
WOMAN 1
A what?
COLLECTOR
Promotional special this week. Nine dollars buys you ten seventy-çfive
cent round trips.
WOMAN 1
Ten round trips...
COLLECTOR
But its only good on the Arborway line.
WOMAN 1
I never ride that line.
COLLECTOR
I don't blame you. Terrible service. Worst line in the system.
But with this certificate we guarentee a free taxi if the train
breaks down between Ruggles and Heath St.
WOMAN 1
Just between Ruggles and Heath?
COLLECTOR
You're right. I don't think you should buy one. You don't mind
if I give you your change in quarters.?
WOMAN 1
Don't you have any bills?
COLLECTOR
Don't I, though! I'm about ready to tear up my wife's chargecard!
WOMAN 1
I'd like bills, please, and ten dimes.
COLLECTOR
I'm sorry, miss. We're only allowed to give nine dimes on the
dollar this week. Inflation.
WOMAN 1
I got ten dimes at Park St. this morning!
COLLECTOR
Canadian?
WOMAN 1 (laughing)
Comedian.
COLLECTOR (big smile)
Ten on the dollar. (Woman 1 stands to the side to watch the
Collector.)
MAN 4
Two please. Does this go to Government Center?
COLLECTOR
No. "This" stays right here. The train goes to Government
Center.
MAN 4 (take)
Oh.
YOUNG MAN
Does Boston College go to B.U.?
COLLECTOR
Only if they make it to the play-offs.
YOUNG MAN
Oh. yeah. Well, ah, can you tell me how to get to B.U.?
COLLECTOR and WOMAN 1 (laughing)
Study hard!
PICKPOCKETS
P A ANNOUNCEMENT
Please watch your bags and wallets. There are pickpockets on the
trains. Watch your bags and wallets, please....
WOMAN 2 (working class)
All right, I saw you. Give it back.
MAN 2
This yours?
WOMAN 2
You know it's mine. You took it out of my purse.
MAN 2
Hey, you dropped it, I picked it up. Everybody was reaching for
it. Don't get so nasty.
WOMAN 2
I want the money too.
MAN 2
What money?
WOMAN 2
The two dollars that was in the wallet.
MAN 2 (stoops, pretends to find it)
You mean this down here? You dropped it...
WOMAN 2
Just get the hell out of my sight! (to audience, as if the
Starter were out there) No, I don't want to press charges.
Take time off work to go to court? For what? They'd just let him
off, and I'd lose the pay.
MAN 2
What you looking at me for? Mind your business.
WOMAN FROM SUBURBIA IN FUR AND HAT
There were two of them, standing right up against me...a man and
a woman. I'm sure she was with him. I felt it, but I was afraid
to say anything, with the child right there, and there were more
of them on the train, so I...They got my French purse, with $270,
and $500 in traveller's checks and all my charge cards, and..my
God!!! my car keys were in there! What am I going to do? My car
keys!!!
LITTLE GIRL IN FUR HAT AND MUFF
Mamma, are we stuck here?
WOMAN IN FUR
My car's back at the motel, and I won't be able to drive it. Why
didn't I drive in and park in a garage? Why did I ever come to
this city? I'd read about it in the paper, I knew it was full
of crime.
LITTLE GIRL
Are we going to be able to get home?
WOMAN IN FUR
I don't know Buffie. I don't know what to do. Can't you people
do anything?
LITTLE GIRL
Don't cry, Momma.
WOMAN IN FUR
Fifteen credit cards, and my driver's license. Even if I can get
a locksmith, how can I drive back to Connecticut without a license?
I don't even know where the Ramada Inn is from here....
MAN 4 (speaks with accent)
I can't believe how bold that guy was! I saw him reach for her
back pack, and I said, I see you, get out of that, and he moved
away. Two minutes later he's back and grabs it...
OLDER WOMAN IN SCARF
I felt it go, he pretended to lose his balance, but I knew what
was going on.
MAN 1
That's him, standing there. Don't let him see I see him...
OLDER WOMAN IN SCARF
I just come out of the bank. My whole paycheck...
WOMAN FROM SOUTHIE
I've seen those two before. They're down here regular.
MAN 4
I guess I could pick him out if the police have photographs.
YOUNG WOMAN STUDENT
It's the idea of it. I feel like such a fool. My roomate had hers
taken last week, and I gave her this whole lecture on how to carry
your bag, and what to look out for when you're riding public transportation....and
now me!
PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM
One of the musicians moves out into the playing area, and
is now one of the street musicians who play for the crowds waiting
to catch their trains. The guitar segues from TRANSIT BLUES into
BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A DIME, a hat out to get donations. PASSENGER
throws in a dime, the MUSICAIN says "Thanks" : a punk
emerges from the crowd, grabs money fom the hat and dashes off.
The crowd looks after him. WOMAN 3 walks up to the Musician ,
and drops a dollar into the hat, and requests.
WOMAN 3
Can you play a minuet?
MUSICIAN
Sure. (plays it)
MAN 2 (sound of train coming in, bell)
Why do you want him/her to play a minuet? You can't hear it in
all this racket?
WOMAN 3
Who cares? It's civilization! Da da te ta da dee dee dee
(joins hands with MAN 3, turn & bow)
STREET PEOPLE AND SUBWAY SLEEPERS
BUM 1
Excuse me, can you spare me some change? I got to get out to Brockton
tonight.
BUM 2
Hey, let us slide this once, will ya? me and my buddy just got
out of detox. We're disable veterans.
RADIO VOICE
407, report to the outbound. There's a passenger needs assistance.
BAGS MARY (in overcoats, three hats, scarf, with a bag in
either hand.)
Have you got the key for the escalator, dear? Turn it on for me,
will you? I'm a senior citizen, I've got bad legs. I can't climb
all those stairs. I waited here two hours last week. When I asked
that other starter to turn it on, he told me to go "F"
myself! An old lady like me! Accused me of turning it off meself!
I think HE turns it off, to spite me. I've called and reported
him before. I don't want to get anybody in trouble now, not unless
I have to.
Thank you. That's real sweet, dear. Would you like a piece of
cheesecake?
(offers grubby green cheesecake from one of her bags.)
It's good cheesecake. The woman in the restaurant upstairs gave
it to me. I took it so's not to hurt her feelings, but I can't
eat it because of my legs. They're all swoll up and clogged with
chlorestoral. No eggs, no chese, no cream, hardly any sweets at
all. I ask you, dear, is that any life for an old lady like me?
WOMAN PASSENGER
Excuse me, are you The Official here? I want to report the girl
who was driving that trolley! Speeding, and slamming on the brakes,
tossing us old people around. You tell that foolish child to keep
both her hands on the steering wheel!
RADIO VOICE
407? 407, when you get a chance, go down and check Arlington.
Supposedly some derelicts have turned it into a annex for the
Pine St. Inn.
BUM (asleep)
Wha? No, I'm all right. Just need my rest is all. No, no, wait
a minute. Let me talk to you for a minute. I'm a sick man, you
know. I'm going to the hospital for surgery next week. I been
under the knife four times. I got what Rose Kennedy had. Yeah,
I'd like to get me the same doctor, if I had the money. Can you
help me out?
MS. SPECTACULAR (bag lady in big-brimmed Southern Belle hat,
curley wig, huge sunglasses, jeweled sweater, dangling rinestonearrings,
pushing shopping cart full of books and clothes and stuffed toys.)
Hi! Just passing the time, dear. I've got an appointment at four.
They're letting you do this now, are they! Congratulations. When
I was young it was "how fast can you type and gimme a little
feel, honey." Things haven't changed all that much, but but
it's sure easier than it's been for me. I'm a real feminist. I've
been a writer, editor, actress, T.V. producer. Right now I've
got an idea for a film. Maybe I could use you in it! At least
I'll mention you -- you won't mind that, will you?
RADIO VOICE (male)
3423 to--uh--Central? I saw some smoke coming out of that old
electrical closet by auditorium? So I grabbed the extinguisher
off the car, here, and squirted it full of stuff...and then these
two bums came running out! So you better watch out for em in the
tunnel. You can't miss 'em: they're all covered white.
RADIO VOICE (stifled laugh)
All units: Be on the lookout for two ghosts.....
QUICK TAKES: Operators, in hats, stick their heads out the
cab window to apprise the Starter of their problems.
(trolley bell CLANG CLANG)
WOMAN OPERATOR
Check out my back door? Some jerk trying to push, I think he broke
it off the hinges.
(trolley bell CLANG CLANG)
MALE OPERATOR
I'm not moving till you get this guy off my car. I don't hafta
take what he called me.
(trolley bell CLANG CLANG)
WOMAN OPERATOR
My brakes are locked up.
(trolley bell CLANG CLANG)
MALE OPERATOR
You got any sand or sawdust? I got a hot lunch right behind the
cab. (he explains) A Hot lunch. A toss job. Puke, lady,
puke! You clean it up or I get out and walk.
(air horn)
WOMAN OPERATOR (hands over ears)
It's been stuck like this since Packard's Corner!
RADIO VOICE of 3534 OPERATOR
LRV 3534 to the Copley starter. Would you meet me on the platform?
I'm just coming in to the station.
(trolley bell CLANG CLANG)
3534 OPERATOR (male)
There's a woman down the back trying to take off her clothes....
WOMAN TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES
(bursting off the car and throwing herself around on the platform.)
Help! Help! Don't you touch me! Stay away from me! Rape!
3534 OPERATOR
She can't rape you, she's a girl!
WOMAN TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES
She's not a real woman, she's a man in disguise. She's a Russian
agent: Keep her away, she's trying to kill me!
SONG: STARTER SONG
Step up folks, and move on back
There's always room for more.
Pack 'em like a pretzel sack
"N yell...."rear door!
Got polite persuasive tricks
To move the drunks along,
But just in case, got'm can of Mace,
To come on strong!
If you run in to A five foot two
Bundle of authority
Help her out whatever you do (do do de o do)
I'm a minority!
Flashlight and florescent vest
My book for taking note:
Hear me shout - and you can quote-
I'm..... a starter!
THE YANKEE DOODLER
(HE is wearing a paper bag over his head, whistling"Yankee
Doodle". When he takes the bag off his head, the Doodler
uses it as a prop, breathing into it or using it as a microphone.)
This week is Passover, a holiday for the Jews. The Jews are not
a numerous people. There are hardly more here now than when they
were slaves in Egypt under Pharaoh, when Moses brought them out
of bondage: led by, as General Patton says, the God of Battles.
This is what Passover is about. You may think that it is Pharaoh
who is evil, or the Nazis, or Hitler. But it's not the Nazis,
it's the people sitting right here on this car. The children of
America. At this Passover season I pray, I pray every day, for
the God of Battles to break the back of America-- as America broke
the back of the great General Patton - yes, broke his back in
a so-called car accident! I pray for the Almighty to break America's
back, so that it will never rise again. Destroy them all, O God.
America must be destroyed. Even the children, the prophet says,
for the children will grow to be a thicket in your eye. Yes, that
kid there--- all the children will grow to be a thicket. In the
name of all the soldiers who hve died in America's wars, whose
bodies are buried here and in foreign lands, I call on the Almighty
to destroy this country. Let America perish by fire and sword.
(whistles "Yankee Doodle" again)
(the PASSENGERS applaud or heckle.)
WOMAN PASSENGER 1
Do you think that man is dangerous?
MAN PASSENGER
Compared to what?
WOMAN PASSENGER 1
What?
MAN PASSENGER
OK-- compared to who?
WOMAN PASSENGER 1
Whom.
MAN PASSENGER
Hume's on first.
LOST ARTICLES: PASSENGERS ON THE PLATFORM
MAN
Is there any way you can catch up with that car? I left my duffle
bag when I got off......
WOMAN
My left shoes is on its way to Cleveland Circle.......
WOMAN
Is there any way you can radio ahead about my briefcase? It's
got the only copy of my thesis in it.
MAN
I left my umbrella......
WOMAN
My raincoat........
MAN
My brand-new fur-lined gloves........
WOMAN
My little boy was right behind me when I went to get off, but
then the door closed and ....
MAN
My spectacles, my reading glasses....
MAN
My Angora cat Cecilly. She was in one of those carriers, you know.
She'd just been to the vet, and somehow I got up and walked off
without her........
WOMAN (accent)
My passport, Swedish passport.....
MAN
Five rolls of microfilm.....
WOMAN
Four china eggcups...
WOMAN
Three highschool notebooks...
MAN
Two stuffed chickens...
ALL (sing)
"and a partridge in a pear tree!"
SONG: WHAT YOU DO IS WHAT YOU ARE
What you do is what you are,
At least eight hours a day.
Work and a wage is what defines you:
No star can wish that away!
You may dream that you're the heroine:
The one the book's about, the one the call is for,
the one the song spurs on---
But when you're filling out the forms, official forms
A space is facing you, they are placing you,
"What, where, when, why and how", adds up to"who"-
What do you make, how much do you earn,
have you got security?
Don't try to fill that blank with "I'm me!"
When you've got nothing, you're nobody,
Your life's not worth a cent,
This can't be what's meant by "I'm free!"
Time is what you're born with,
Add up the amount, turn it to account
In some way.....
What you do is what you are
At least eight hours a day.
COMMUTER CHAT; PASSENGERS ON PLATFORM:
PASSENGER
Quite a crowd tonight. Think I'll be able to get on at North Station?
PASSENGER
Did you have a nice weekend?
PASSENGER
Anything coming?
RADIO VOICE (FEMALE)
411 to Central. The 4:15 on 811 will be looping at Government
Center, due to a key broke off in the lock on the rear cab.
PASSENGER
My cousin Ann got a job driving for the T. Do you know her? Her
husband's been six years driving out of Bennet St.
PA ANNOUNCEMENT (female)
This train will be an Express to Park St. The first stop for this
train will be Park St. Station....
PASSENGER
Whattaya mean, express? All of a sudden you're concerned about
schedules?
YOUNG MAN IN SCRUFFIES
Can I go to Harvard like this?
PROPER BOSTON DOWAGER
Oh dear me,no, I shouldn't think so. Why don't you stop in at
Brooks Brothers?
(she crosses to the COLLECTOR in his booth)
Symphony station is closed now, is that right?
COLLECTOR
It's not what I call right, Madam, but because of the budget cuts...
PROPER BOSTON DOWAGER
So how can I get to Symphony, please?
COLLECTOR
Take any train to Auditorium and walk about four blocks, or get
off at Copley and take the #39 bus right to the door.
PROPER BOSTON DOWAGER
Which is faster?
COLLECTOR (looks at watch)
Either way now you're going to miss the Mozart....
PROPER BOSTON DOWAGER
Oh, my ticket's for Tuesday.
COLLECTOR
Pavarotti? You've got a ticket for Pavarotti?!! My God, you must
be thrilled!! They were sold out when I tried to get one weeks
ago! Don't take a chance on missing a minute of it! Allow yourself
an hour and a half: so what if you're an hour early? You can chat
with me: I'll be standing in line, waiting to see if somebody
gives up a ticket....
PROPER BOSTON DOWAGER
Dear boy, why don't you take mine?
COLLECTOR
Oh, I couldn't!
PROPER BOSTON DOWAGER
Go on, take it. You'll enjoy it so much more than I would.
COLLECTOR (to audience)
You think that's a fairy tale? That they all hate us? Smiley Mac,
that's now an Instructor: there was one old lady he drove home
on his bus, she liked him so much she found out his name and left
him money in her will. Sure, you mostly hear the other side. When
you deal with the public.....
WOMAN PASSENGER 2
It's your steps I fell down! My stockings are ruined,and my coat,
and I may have some kind of a back injury, so put that in your
report, and sign it. You'll hear from my lawyer....
RADIO VOICE (male)
Will any offical in the vicinity of Government Center move down
to assist the Blue Line Starter? 401, 402, 403...
RADIO VOICE (female)
Ten-four. On my way.
BLUE LINE STARTER
Jesus Christ, I asked for help! Good thing the maggots took off,
cause I still got no help! Women on the track crew, women on the
desk at Reservoir, women running around wth a badge down here
where they're useless. You're dealing with grown men, this isn't
grade school! Why don't ya stay home and cook and take care of
your kids? Why don't ya stay home and HAVE kids?
COLLECTOR
Get that kid! He grabbed my tokens!
BLUE LINE STARTER
Girls in the men's room, sharing lockers. Who the hell's gonna
do this job?
WOMAN OPERATOR
There's nowhere you can sit to eat your lunch that you aren't
looking at a urinal.
WOMAN OPERATOR
Usually with a guy there, opening his fly.
WOMAN OPERATOR
So I hung up my Burt Reynolds, right over his playmate...
OLDER DRIVER
She's my girl. You should've seen her! They made her spare starter
right off the busses, she didn't know any of em. They all stood
around and played dumb.
WOMAN STARTER
All right, who's the 2:10?
OLDER DRIVER (imitates)
"It's not my trip."
DRIVER
I can't do it, it'd be past my off time...
OLDER DRIVER
I was ashamed of them.
WOMAN STARTER
They did the same thing to Mary; they had her in tears...
OLDER DRIVER
But this one's fiesty. She put on her starter's hat.
WOMAN STARTER
Because it was raining! They thought I was showing I who's boss,
but it was raining....
OLDER DRIVER
Told Macarthy to get in the seat and do the 2:10 or else she'd
dock him.
WOMAN STARTER
If he don't like it he can grieve it.
OLDER DRIVER
After he gets back!
WOMAN STARTER
I put in to come down here with you in guys the subway.
WOMAN OPERATOR
I can't see it, myself. You go for eight hours and never see the
light of day. At least operating you're out in the world. Here
you got the soot, the grease, the damp, the rats...They say in
that water at the Charles crossover there's an alligator!
BLUE LINE STARTER
Think you'll still be on the job in twenty years? Get into the
office end, up to High St ....
INSTRUCTOR
You mark my words: in twenty years every other vehicle'll be driven
by a woman. If the government says we have to hire them, they're
not going to want to be machanics or laborers.
BLUE LINE STARTER
What if there's an explosion? What if someone's coming after me
with a gun? (He fades off to return as DRIVER 1)
CUBAN WITH GUN
You tell your friend I'm going to get him. (Pointing to his
cut lip) This, this he did to me! You want to see what else
he did? (offers to take off trousers) I have a gun in the
car, I got a permit, I come back and shoot you all...(fades
to STARTER)
OLDER DRIVER
Makes sense the girls'd want to work the desk. My wife would eat
it up. She's got two degrees, and makes half what I do.
INSTRUCTOR
Look at the faces on some of these guys. They hate the public,
they got ulcers, high blood pressure, but where else could they
make this kind of money?
WOMAN STARTER
I used to drive a paramedic. Blood and guts...
WOMAN OPERATOR
I was a hairdresser. I thought my customers told me their life
stories because it was part of the job: but there's more gossip
around here than in a beauty parlor....
INSTRUCTOR
Could you go back to living on tips? You'll be here till your
nickname is Grandma.
DRIVER
Or you kill somebody.
INSTRUCTOR
There's one man still on the property who ran down a work crew.
They were using a jackhammer, no flagman, never heard him coming.
Killed three of em. Don't you think he'd get away if he could
afford it? But he's gonna hang on till he can get the pension.
WOMAN STARTER
What about Dimmie? How could he get back in a bus after he ran
over an old lady?
DRIVER
You think that bothered him? While he was waiting for the ambulance
he sat on the curb and ate an ice-cream cone!
WOMAN OPERATOR
What can you say about a guy who could run over a man three times?
Three times! This man threw himself in front of Dimme's train
at Fenway, right about dusk. A woman saw it and screamed for him
to stop, but he tells her he can't hold up the line and he keeps
right on going. There's blood on his car, blood on the tracks,
and the snow at the stop is turning pink. He has to see it, he
has to know it's there, but he keeps right on, he makes two more
trips. On the third go-round his follower notices something looks
like a bundle of trash, and he gets out to move it off the track.
What he finds is a torso. The head's over there, the legs are
on the other side, blood all over. They call in the Dimwit, and
he tells them he doesn't know anything, saw nothing, heard nothing....and
they never tried to hang him on it becaue the police found the
guy's suicide note. But Jesus, Dimmie went over that man three
times!
DRIVER
Uh, I think I lost my appetite. Anybody want a meatball sub?
WOMAN OPERATOR
Are you kidding?
WOMAN STARTER
I'll take it.
DRIVER
Aren't you on a diet?
INSTRUCTOR
Women are always on a diet.
DRIVER
Like some old guys with beer bellies oughta be.
WOMAN DRIVER
He diets, then he eats. He's been on so long he's got a uniform
in every size.
WOMAN STARTER (offering sandwich)
Maybe you should have it, then. I'm not due for another uniform
til next year and these seams are starting to go...
DRIVER
I wouldn't worry. By the time you're too fat to fit it, they'll've
made you superintendent and you can dress civilian.
INSTRUCTOR
Who knows? Next week I'm breaking Dottie in as an Instructor.
What a sweetheart she is. I told the office I wish they'd send
me a hundred more just like her.
WOMAN OPERATOR
Sure. The sky's the limit!
RESERVOIR STARTER
I hate to bust up your party, ladies: But your coach awaits...
WOMAN OPERATOR
My God! The 1:15!
SONG: WHAT YOU DO IS WHAT YOU ARE
What you do is what you are,
At least eight hours a day.
Work and a wage is what defines you:
No star can wish that away!
You may dream that you're the heroine:
The one the book's about, the one the call is for,
the one the song spurs on---
But when you're filling out the forms, official forms
A space is facing you, they are placing you,
"What, where, when, why and how", adds up to"who"-
What do you make, how much do you earn,
have you got security?
Don't try to fill that blank with "I'm me!"
When you've got nothing, you're nobody,
Your life's not worth a cent,
This can't be what's meant by "I'm free!"
Time is what you're born with,
Add up the amount, turn it to account
In some way.....
What you do is what you are
At least eight hours a day.
THE END
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by 
