Act Two:
MODIFIED RAPTURE
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2005
Geralyn Horton
ACT II - Mid September
SCENE SIX
TOM and MATT singing and dancing the end of "I Once Was As
Meek"
TOM
Better?
MATT
I still went mush-mouth on my verse.
TOM
You've got another month.
MATT
If it's another month like this month-
TOM
What happened with Sam and Ellen?
MATT
Sam showed up on Monday, and he and Ellen patched things up.
TOM
How about you and Jane?
MATT
It's blown over. Left a bit of a chill, though.
TOM
It may be a long cold winter.
MATT
Sleeping on the sofa?
TOM
No. But there's her side and my side.
MATT
And the kids' side.
TOM
How do you manage? With 5 of them? You're outnumbered.
MATT
I bite my tongue. Mothers know when their kids are rotten, and
they know you know it. But woe to the man who mentions it.
TOM
Nesting females.
MATT
Good thing the cat approves of me, or I'd be out on my ear.
TOM
I bribed her.
MATT
Who?
TOM
Peggy's cat, Sappho. I bribed her with kidneys.
MATT
Not human, I hope?
TOM
Peggy feeds Sappho oat bran and tofu. But the cat's not politically
correct, and now she thinks I'm a mighty hunter. She's always
sucking up to me.
MATT
Divorced women get into this mystic bond business. Pour all their
energy into animals and the kids. Kids aren't going to give that
up without a fight.
TOM
Ann has a life- college, a job. A serious boyfriend. The only
way we know that Ann's around most days is that she drops stuff
for her mom to pick up: open mail, dirty dishes, -
MATT
Why should she share her maid service?
TOM
For one thing, I help pay the rent.
MATT
Ann's rent?
TOM
Ann doesn't pay- Oh. I see. A man in the place is protection-
MATT
Get a dog.
TOM
Somebody married my mom, and it was great. He made model airplanes
with me, took me to ballgames.
MATT
I thought you hate ballgames.
TOM
I do. But it's the thought that counts.
MATT
OK, you got a dad out of the deal. But what's in it for Ann, eh?
TOM
Lots of men my age are Dads. It's just that they practice on babies
before they have to perform for a critical audience. Yeah. I have
to convince Ann that she's not losing a mother, she's gaining
a dad.
TOM SINGS
"If you wish in this world to advance
Your merits you're bound to enhance
You must stir it and stump it and blow your own trumpet.
Or trust me you haven't a chance"
SCENE SEVEN - Early October
(PEGGY is standing on a chair while ANN pins up the hem of
her costume. RUDDIGORE # 15, "Hail The Bride" plays
under the dialog)
"Hail the bride of 17 summers, In fair phrases, sing her
praises,
Lift her song on high all comers, she rejoices in your voices
Smiling summer beams upon her,shedding every blessing on her
Maidens greet her, kindly treat her,
You may all be brides some day"
ANN
Mother, Tom is less mature than I am.
PEGGY
So am I. And Matt, and your Wesley, and Tina and Judy and almost
everyone else. What all these immature people have in common is
that they weren't blessed with me for a mother. You're the only
one. So far.
ANN
So far? What do you mean, so far?
PEGGY
I mean that there's a possibility that you are going to be a sister.
ANN
Mother! How could you?
PEGGY
The usual way.
ANN
Turn left. You started lecturing me about birth control at age
ten!
PEGGY
Birth control's not foolproof.
ANN
If you've had an accident, surely you won't go through with it.
PEGGY
I know it seems insane. But I've always wanted another child.
ANN
That's crazy. When this baby is a teen, you'll be, what?
PEGGY
55.
ANN
You won't be able to remember what young was like.
PEGGY
I'll ask Tom.
ANN
If he's still around.
PEGGY
You think it's doomed.
ANN
Nobody stays married these days. How does anyone have the nerve
to have children?
PEGGY (scratching under skirt)
Thanks. Let go for a moment. I've got an itch.
ANN
I shouldn't have said anything. If you marry him--
PEGGY
Don't be silly.
ANN (attacking hem)
I just don't want to see you hurt.
PEGGY (pin stuck)
Ouch!
ANN
Sorry.
PEGGY
A person can't have much of a life, without hurt.
ANN
You'll be stuck with a 6 year old, aged 47, too tired to find
somebody to grow old with.
PEGGY
Fred Moxsen is twice his wife's age, with kids 5, 4, and 16 months.
Your own boyfriend is no spring chicken-
ANN (standing up)
Men do what they want! Look, Tom's marking time till he finishes
his thesis. You supply a whole life, ready made, home and friends
and hobbies. Don't wiggle. Suppose he gets a job offer in Atlanta?
Are you willing to follow him like you did Dad? Give up your career-
PEGGY
My career's hanging by a thread. One more layoff-
ANN
And your church and your friends and your Gilbert and Sullivan?
Remember how you felt when we lived in Colorado Springs? Or Akron?
You brought us back here for roots.
PEGGY
You really think I'm a fool-- Should I turn?
ANN
Not yet. Tom's a Republican, for Christ sakes! If he wants to
be eccentric, why doesn't he join the Greens? Now, turn. He'll
be a fascist by the time he's forty.
PEGGY
Or a Buddhist monk.
ANN
You fight all the time.
PEGGY
My parents fought, every meal a shouting match. Tom's got a voice
like a bullhorn and the hide of a rhinoceros. The truth is it's
a relief to yell back!
ANN
You never fought with my father.
PEGGY
Your father liked peace and quiet. And other women.
ANN
You think Tom won't? Wait and see, at least. Go very slowly. Back
this way a bit.
PEGGY (turning)
Tom and I have been together more than two years. I'd known your
father for 5 months.
ANN
But you were practically a child, then! By now you should have
learned -
PEGGY
Annie, my whole life, the best I've been able to do is respond
to whatever the world blows my way. I try not to panic, I try
to make your life as secure as it can be with a long-distance
Dad and a mother who's never had a steady job -.
ANN (finished, she straightens up)
Mother, you're a fake, but you made me a home. Maybe I've wished
sometimes for more than furniture from Goodwill and books from
the library. But is Tom a step up?
PEGGY
He's an environment molder-
ANN
You want to be molded?
PEGGY
We'll mold each other. It aches sometimes, but the stretch is
good for me.
ANN
He's a bully.
PEGGY
I know.
ANN
Is it because he reminds you of your father? Is that why you married
my dad?
PEGGY
No-- I married him because he didn't remind me of my father. Are
you done with my hem?
ANN
I want to remake the bodice, too. It's a bad fit.
PEGGY (pulling dress over her head)
Never mind. There's no point in flattering me, the director wants
me to melt into the backdrop.
ANN
Fat chance!
PEGGY
I can. I'll make myself a blank space in the cast photo.
ANN
Where's Jane with our hats?
PEGGY
She's not even late, yet.
ANN (undresses, puts on costume)
I think you make Alex nervous, Mom. He preens for the teens: they're
impressed. But faced with experience, he freezes. Funny, Tom's
just the opposite. He impresses the middle aged, but around me
and the younger girls he's clueless.
PEGGY (beginning to mark hem)
I was like that at Tom's age.
ANN
Tom reminds you of Grandpa. Grandpa's not a person I'd want to
be around very much.
PEGGY
A bully. But he and my mother are very married, don't you think?
Turn just a little.
ANN
I wish I had a better idea of what went wrong between Wesley and
his first wife.
PEGGY
How many has he had?
ANN
I'll be the second.
PEGGY
You're serious.
ANN
He is, and I'm beginning to agree. What am I waiting for?
PEGGY
Maturity?
ANN
I think I have a mature relationship.
PEGGY
You and Wesley don't argue?
ANN
Never.
PEGGY (sings from Pinafore)
"What, never?"
ANN
"Well, Hardly ever." I'd be depressed for days. How
you can think of arguing as fun-!
JANE (enters, with hat materials)
Darlings, wait till you see these bonnets! Aren't these adorable?
(ANN & PEGGY come to help JANE unload)
I am so sorry I'm late, Matthew was being unspeakable. Some day
I'm going to kill that man. You'll both testify, won't you? He
drove her to it!
PEGGY
What is it this time?
JANE
Nerves. Sheer nerves. Matthew can't sleep. He wakes up at 3 am,
4 am. He patters around, trying to make enough noise to wake me,
so that I can listen to him recite his lines. He follows me around
at breakfast, he calls me at work-
PEGGY
What fun if we could all be in RUDDIGORE, you said. You've created
a monster!
JANE
I didn't create it - that goes back to Matt's I-dare-you-to-be-perfect-and-please-me
father. But I've unleashed the monster on the world, and I'm its
first victim. Can a person die from sleep deprivation? Ann, I
think this bonnet should be for you. (tries it on ANN)
ANN
You should be home taking a nap.
JANE
No sleep allowed.
PEGGY
We'll try to be good.
ANN
We struggle to live up to you.
JANE
If I use rat poison, from around the house, there'll be no evidence
of premeditation- Peggy, dear! The pink and white things the bridesmaids
will be wearing are simply blah, while our bonnets--! Compensation
for matrons of a certain age.
PEGGY (begins # Silver'd Is the Raven Hair from Patience as
a trio with JANE & ANN)
"Silver'd is the raven hair, Spreading is the parting straight
Mottled the complexion fair, Halting is the youthful gait,
Hollow is the laughter free, Spectacled the limpid eye.
Little will be left of me, in the coming bye and bye.
Little will be left of me, in the coming bye and bye.
Fading is the taper waist, Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although severely laced, Spreading is the figure trim!
Stouter than I used to be, Still more corpulent grow I.
There will be too much of me, In the coming bye and bye.
There will be too much of me, in the coming bye and bye."
ANN
Compensations, yes. But enough?
JANE
Won't this plumed number be heavenly?
ANN
But what about Charlotte? Her dress is more that shade, and with
her hair-
JANE
We'll make Charlotte pretty, but first we pick ourselves the most
flattering.
PEGGY
If I curl this feather under my chin, it's better than losing
15 pounds.
ANN
Melon-colored roses! Better than the bridesmaids. Now all I regret
is the gavotte.
PEGGY
White represents innocence. It's seldom flattering.
JANE
Design 101: confine it to Ophelia, who's mad and doesn't know
better.
ANN
But for my wedding, with make-up--
JANE
Is there a wedding in the works?
ANN
Several, aren't there? Mom--white?
PEGGY
I haven't thought about it.
JANE
Do me a favor. Wear mine. The perfect second wedding dress, cream
with beige. I don't want to see it in the closet.
PEGGY
You'll wear it, Jane! Matt isn't going to stall forever.
JANE
No more dresses. Let Matt buy me one.
ANN
I think I'd like a wedding dress cut just like this costume.
PEGGY
Darling, don't be in a hurry.
ANN
Wesley doesn't want to wait.
PEGGY
He's almost middle aged! But you're my baby.
ANN
I'm 3 years older than you were. There's only a few more years
between Wesley and me than there was between you and dad.
JANE
Isn't it amazing how fashions change, I mean for such basic behavior
as marriage age?
ANN
You do like Wesley, don't you?
PEGGY
I like him.
ANN
If I had some high-powered career in mind. Or wanted to sew wild
oats.
JANE (fitting Ann with plumes)
Or wild hats!
ANN
But the truth is, I'm not wild, and I'm not ambitious. A man who
adores me---. Marrying young worked out for your generation -
PEGGY
We're all poor and divorced!
JANE
I think Ann has a point, Peggy. You and your husband either grow
together, or you learn from the experience and do better with
the second one.
PEGGY
Marriage as a sheltered workshop! But what about babies, Ann?
I had you before we realized that we couldn't afford you. Can
Wesley give you babies?
ANN
He's not that old!
JANE
I think what concerns your mother is that he has a daughter who's
10.
ANN
She lives with her mother.
PEGGY
Now, she does.
JANE
Does her father love her?
ANN
Of course!
PEGGY
"Of course"? Half of divorced fathers abandoned their
children.
ANN
Wes pays support, he writes and calls and visits-
JANE
Good. One of the reasons Wes has for marrying is that he would
like to provide a home for his daughter. Long and comfortable
visits.
ANN
What's wrong with that?
JANE
Nothing. I applaud. If you were my daughter, I certainly would
want you to marry a man who loves and supports his children. But
what about yours?
PEGGY
I would like to be a grandma.
ANN
You will be. Instantly.
PEGGY
O, modified rapture! Grandma to a ten year old?
JANE
Tom'll love it.
ANN
He'll probably go on a talk show - grandpas with zits. Sorry,
Mom. The more outrageous and patriarchal Tom is, the more he seems
like a kid playing dress up.
PEGGY
Emotional gymnastics, Tom calls it.
PEGGY SINGS There Is Beauty in the Bellow of the Blast from MIKADO
trio
PEGGY "There is beauty in the bellow of the blast
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
PEGGY & JANE There is eloquent outpouring when the lion is
a roaring
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!
ANN Yes I like to see a tiger from theGongo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail!
PEGGY Volcanos have a splendor that is grim,
JANE And earthquakes only terrify the dolts.
PEGGY But to him that's scientific there is nothing that's terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!
JANE Yes in spite of all my meekness, if I have a little weakness,
It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!
ALL If that is so sing derry down derry! It's evident, very, our
tastes are one!
Away we'll go, and merrily marry, nor tardily tarry till day is
done.
JANE There is beauty in extreme of old age
ANN Do you fancy Mom is elderly enough?
Information I'm requesting, On a subject interesting,
Is a maiden all the better when she's tough?
PEGGY Throughout this wide dominion, it's the general opinion,
That she'll last a good deal longer when she's tough!
ANN Is she old enough to marry, do you think?
Should she wait until she's 80 in the shade?
JANE There's a fascination frantic to a ruin that's romantic;
Do you think that you're sufficiently decayed?
PEGGY To the matter that you mention, I have given some attention,
And I think that I'm sufficiently decayed.
ALL If that is so sing derry down derry! It's evident, very, our
tastes are one!
Away we'll go, and merrily marry, nor tardily tarry till day is
done."
(ANN takes the bridal wreath out of the pile of hats and headdresses
and puts it on PEGGY)
SCENE EIGHT -A Few Days Later
ELLEN
Matthew? Jane? (sees TOM) Ah-hi.
TOM
Hi, Ellen. I'm Tom. From about a month ago?
ELLEN
Tom with opinions. Jane said you'd be here.
TOM
Jane describes me as "With Opinions"?
ELLEN
Or by your singing.
TOM
I'm getting better.
ELLEN
Well, Jane always says: art is too important to be left to the
talented.
TOM
You do stained glass.
ELLEN
Quilts, one of a kind dolls, ceramics, jewelry-
TOM
Jane showed me the necklace you made her. Very pretty.
ELLEN
Thanks. Ah- where are they?
TOM
Not home. I'm a few minutes early, the door was open-
ELLEN
I don't know what century Jane thinks it is -
TOM
Brunhilda welcomed me, so I came in. (pause) There are
a couple of things I've been wanting to talk to you about.
ELLEN
Me? You don't know me.
TOM
You're an older woman. With a younger man, I mean. Like Peggy
and me.
ELLEN
Isn't Peggy old enough to be your mother?
TOM
My mother's 57. My stepdad's only 52, but that's still quite a
bit older than-
ELLEN
The difference between Sam and me is 3 years, not a dozen.
TOM
But you have a kid, while Sam's never been around children-. What
is it that Sam does wrong?
ELLEN
Everything! A family is not a platoon! What his father, or God
help us, his grandfather would-. No, the main thing is that Sam
doesn't understand his position. I'm Julie's Mom, but Sam as a
grownup deals with her on a whole other basis. Jul's at an age
where she'd be glad, but he treats her like---!
TOM
For instance?
ELLEN
Lays down the law. Doesn't respect her dignity and choices.
TOM
A man should cast himself in the role he fits.
ELLEN
Not as boss. A role that's guaranteed - boos and hisses instead
of love and kisses.
TOM
So, to relate to Peggy's daughter?
ELLEN
This is a serious question?
TOM
Two brothers is my whole family.
ELLEN
I don't know Ann well-
TOM
Ann doesn't seem to like me. Yet she and her mother are so alike
that at first I wasn't sure which of them I was attracted to.
ELLEN
Pretty kinky.
TOM
You don't think maybe some of the tension between Julie and Sam
is a way of fending that off?
ELLEN
Do you always talk to strangers like this?
TOM
I've offended you?
ELLEN
I should be horrified, but I'm kind of flattered. Still, I don't
recommend you try it very often.
TOM
Do you mean "often" frequently, or "orphan"
having no parents-?
ELLEN
Stop that! I hate it!
TOM
Gilbert and Sullivan? Or puns?
ELLEN
Puns. But I'm coming to hate Gilbert and Sullivan, or at least
RUDDIGORE. Matt and his stupid drill-! His son's the same way.
We're fixing up an old farmhouse. Sam will tear something apart
3 times over, to get it just right.
TOM
You don't do that with your crafts?
ELLEN
I'm not trying to sleep in my crafts! Until we get insulation
in, we're all bound to have colds and be cranky. Julie is impossible,
and I'm likely to burst into tears at the first - (ELLEN bursts
into tears) Oh, my God! I'm doing it.
TOM (embraces ELLEN)
There, there.
ELLEN
I can't stand it. Why is he trying to come between me and my daughter-
TOM
It'll be all right. Ellen? Love conquers all.
ANN (at the door)
Aunt Jane? Anybody home? Oh! Ellen?
ELLEN (fighting for control)
I came to get some wedding presents out of the closet. When Jane
comes in, tell her. (exit)
ANN
Is Ellen all right?
TOM
Sure.
ANN
Where are Jane and Matthew?
TOM
I don't know. What time is it?
ANN
About ten past.
TOM
Matt's the one who asked for a rehearsal.
ANN
He gets so nervous.
TOM
Don't you?
ANN
I've been doing shows since age 5, probably because Mom couldn't
afford a sitter. I'm not a star: Why get frantic? For an audience
of sisters and cousins and aunts.
TOM
Have you shared that insight with Matt?
ANN
I like rehearsing better than performing, anyway.
TOM
I thought an audience is the point .
ANN
Not for Mom. Teaching, she agonizes over whether to do a recital,
or keep it pure.
TOM
Is she right?
ANN
For purity, maybe you should distribute the parts by lot?
TOM
Basses playing the ingenue! A Nanki-Poo who couldn't carry a tune.
ANN
Come on, we can all carry a tune.
TOM
Roles should be filled by merit-
ANN
By exams and auditions and interviews, humiliation all around.
TOM
Annie, I've been wanting to talk to you-
ANN
It'll show up. It's in the house somewhere.
TOM
What?
ANN
While I was using it the phone rang, and then I just lost track-
TOM
What? Something of mine?
ANN
Your ipod.
TOM
Of all the birdbrained- I pity anyone who hires you! You'll file
a report under l for later, or s for something or other or- never
mind. As you say, it'll show up.
ANN
If I make my mind blank, maybe I'll be able to picture it-
TOM
"Make" your mind blank?
ANN
I'll write you a check.
TOM
Forget it. I want to talk to you about your interview. With that
MIT spin-off? Boldtech?
ANN
That's right.
TOM
I know those people, maybe I can be some help. Heed G & S:
TOM (doing a different little dance)
"If you wish in this world to advance
Your merits you're bound to enhance
You must stir it and stump it and blow your own trumpet. Or trust
me you haven't a chance" (RUDDIGORE # 7, "MY BOY")
(ANN applauds)
TOM
I know you think I'm abrasive; but to an employer, it comes across
as "can do". I have a phenomenal record of getting what
I want.
ANN
Whether or not it's a good idea?
TOM
Look, if you wanted a customer service position, you'd let them
know about your organizing for hippy causes. But in technology?
Guys from MIT - guys like me- aren't Neanderthals. It's just that
they spent high school working on projects for the Science Fair.
So they're uncomfortable, they're awkward, they tend to focus
on your-parts.
ANN
You mean my figure?
TOM
It can work in your favor. But the first consideration is to look
serious, and not threatening. Look like the helper the guy imagined
for himself when he was in high school-
ANN
The job's part accounting, part receptionist. It's a very small
firm.
TOM
I know. I took a seminar with half of the staff. I got into a
shouting match with two of the guys in that class, but I don't
think those were the guys from Boldtech. If they were, you don't
want to work for them.
ANN
I suppose you were sweetness and light.
TOM
The one woman in the class wasn't as good looking as you are,
and they chased her around the desk.
ANN
Jocks I might worry about, but geeks can never catch me-
(throws a pillow at TOM. He chases ANN around the room, pillow-fighting.
JANE, MATT, and PEGGY enter)
JANE
Hello! Are you here? Sorry we're- (a pillow from the fight
slams into JANE's grocery bag.) Oh!
MATT
Right at home, I see. Jane was worried you'd be standing out in
the cold.
TOM
Are you all right?
JANE
I'm fine, but the eggs aren't.
ANN
I'm so sorry. I don't know what got into me.
JANE
Darling! It's good for you to be childish, for once. Don't feel
bad about the eggs. The kitty will love them, shells and all.
PEGGY
Cats like catastrophes.
TOM
I have mixed feelings about cats. "I have a song to sing,
ho!"
JANE
A glass of wine, my dears? A little something to eat? (pours
and passes wine)
MATT
We're late now!
TOM (returning PEGGY's glass)
None for Peggy. We're taking no chances with fetal alcohol syndrome.
MATT
Let's get right to it, all right? Here's the music.
PEGGY
We open in less than a week! No music. (begin madrigal, with
improved dance)
PEGGY
"Life is love in merry May"
ANN & TOM
"Spring is green"
QUARTET
fa la la la la la la
ANN & TOM
"Summer's rose"
(ELLEN, who has obviously been crying, rushes past them and
out the front door, carrying boxes and unwrapped presents)
QUARTET
fa la la la la la la
It is sad when summer goes
lalalalalala (ELLEN rushes in, out toward closet)
(Autumn's gold/ Winter's grey)
Winter still is far away, far away-
JANE
Matt--?
"Still is Far away, far away Fa la-
ALL
Fa lalalalalalala
(ELLEN rushes out the front door, carrying more presents)
ALL
Spring and summer/ Teem with glee
JANE
Oh no! Ellen's let out Brunhilda! Matt, can you catch her?
MATT
What the hell's going on? Ellen?
TOM
Ellen came while we were waiting. To pick up some wedding presents,
she said.
MATT (going out the door)
Some? Ellen! Will you help me catch the damn cat, please?
ANN
Should we help, too?
JANE (going out the door)
No, too many people will frighten her. Hildy! Sweetheart! Let
Daddy catch you. There are bad doggies out there!
PEGGY
Matt sounded secure in the quartet, I thought. When he sings out,
his tone is gorgeous.
TOM
About time. We open in four days.
ANN
Is your class coming to see it, Mom?
PEGGY
The ones who dig up a dollar are.
TOM
Aren't kid tickets $6?
PEGGY
I'll pay the rest. (JANE enters with Brunhilda)
JANE
Got her!
PEGGY (petting cat)
That's our good girl.
ANN
There should be a fund to pay for your kids. Theatre's educational.
MATT (comes in with arm around ELLEN)
I'll take the cat up. I want to have a little talk with Ellen.
PEGGY (to ANN)
No freebies. I don't want any kid in the audience who has nothing
invested.
JANE
Are they that bad?
PEGGY
Some days they're angels.
ANN
Have they met Tom?
PEGGY
He came to open house.
ANN
And?
TOM
If you mean did they think I'm her son, no.
PEGGY
Anybody over 18 is sort of indistinguishably old. Earl, though,
- he's really sharp, even if he has been kept back twice. And
he's - precocious. Fathered a kid, at 15. Earl says to me, "Better
not let that dude be home when your daughter's home."
JANE
Tom? Would you object to working on the abduction scene? While
Matt's gone? Peggy has some ideas about it, and we were talking-
PEGGY
In so far as Matt would allow us-
JANE
About that moment when the bag comes off. Peggy's idea is that
when you abduct me, I'm thrilled to the marrow.
PEGGY
Hannah sort of regresses to the beauty in distress.
ANN
How?
PEGGY
Well, Jane should form this mental image looking like the heroine
on the cover of a bodice ripper.
JANE
When I say I'm "trembling and helpless".
ANN
All these decades Hannah's wanted to be swept away by passion?
JANE
She's a complete romantic.
PEGGY
That's why Hannah challenges Robin to the swordfight. Hair tumbling,
bodice ripped.
ANN
Gray hair!
JANE
I've been doing it sort of prissy. Peggy thinks it should be wild.
TOM
But Hannah's middle-aged-
JANE
I'm middle aged!
PEGGY
We're middle aged.
JANE
If Dame Hannah's the aunt of a girl of 17, and girls married at
17 and had children, then Hannah's probably younger than we are!
ANN
But back then, 35 was old.
PEGGY
The real limitation of age is the fear of looking ridiculous.
JANE
I'd whip out the knife with a flourish: (demonstrates)
"This poniard shall teach ye what it is to lay unholy hands
on old Steven Trusty's daughter!" and then when I grab the
sword: (fencing moves- JANE stops) You show him, Peggy.
(Stage Combat.)
PEGGY (imaginary sword)
"And let the best man win!" (duels)
(MATT and ELLEN reenter silently. ELLEN
pauses to watch, then goes off toward the telephone.)
TOM (as ROBIN)
"Don't! Don't look at me like that! I can't bear it. Help!"
(they duel, spectacularly, until suddenly PEGGY doubles over
in pain. They all gather around as she sits down.)
PEGGY
Ooff!
ANN
Mom?
JANE
Are you all right?
TOM
I didn't hit you?
PEGGY
It's nothing. I'll be fine. (to MATT) What's happening
with Ellen?
MATT
She says she's leaving Sam. She's loading up all the presents.
JANE
Leaving Sam?
MATT
I got her to promise that she would at least call Sam, give him
a chance.
ANN
Tom? Was that what that scene was all about?
JANE
What scene?
TOM
Ellen seemed fine, not twenty minutes ago- upset because Sam was
having a hard time relating to her daughter; but basically, in
love.
JANE
So what happened? In twenty minutes?
PEGGY (gets up, dizzy)
Excuse me. Going to the bathroom.
JANE
Matt?
MATT
Apparently Ellen found something on a card with the wedding presents...
JANE
What, on a card?
PEGGY
Annie, could you come with me? (they exit to the bathroom)
TOM
Not a poison pen letter?
MATT
Nothing like that.
JANE
What was it then? Matt?
MATT
One of Sam's cousins wrote something like, when is Sam going to
tell his grandmother that he are and Ellen are married. Ellen's
got it into her head that Sam's ashamed, or not really committed.
JANE (ELLEN reenters)
How silly of her.
MATT
After all, he did marry her.
JANE
Unlike someone who shall remain unmentioned.
ELLEN
Before a justice of the peace. While he had the nerve and before
he thought better of it.
MATT
You sent out announcements. The whole world knows, now.
ELLEN
Except his grandma and his cousins and aunts.
MATT
His grandmother's a fragile old lady. The shock of a wedding-
JANE
Matthew? What have you told your mother?
MATT
I've told her Sam's getting to the age where he should find a
nice girl, that's the important thing-
JANE
Matthew Morganbesser, you know very well--!
MATT
What?
JANE
About us? When I answer the phone and your mother says, "Hello,
Mrs, Rumford, is my son there?" who does Sophie think she's
talking to?
MATT
My landlady.
JANE
And the birthday cards, the poinsettia at Xmas?
MATT
I sent them.
JANE
All that nonsense aboutthe broken water pump! While I sat in IHOP,
like an idiot!
MATT
My mother's 80 years old, she's got bones like a bird. A little
thing could kill her.
ELLEN
So Sam has to marry his shicksa while grandma's in the hospital.
Is that the deal?
MATT
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
TOM
It's altruistic, giving up a wedding-
JANE
So, since Sophie's only got one gallbladder, and we can't invite
her and we can't not invite her, there won't be a wedding for
Jane.
MATT
Ellen? She's Old World. How long can she live?
JANE
Long enough to blight my life! My grandmother was 96. When Sophie's
96, I'll be--
TOM
55.
JANE
55, Matt. (to TOM) Thank you. What if you die first?
MATT
Don't be morbid.
JANE
I'm not the one waiting around for death! What if your mother
walks in here some day, before you have a chance to whisk me out
of sight , and you drop dead from a stroke? I won't be your widow.
No social security, no life insurance: I can linger in my lonely
poverty and reminisce about the good old days, when I was your
landlady!
MATT
I'm not about to die-
PEGGY
Yes, you are. Jane's going to kill you.
MATT
Be logical-
JANE
Justifiable homicide. All my friends will testify. Tom?
TOM
Sure, but-
MATT
How can a little piece of paper change the way we feel? Ellen,
did marriage change you?
ELLEN
Yes, it has. I feel I should have some rights.
JANE
We won't settle for just love. We want honor, too.
MATT
You'd darken an old lady's sunset years-
JANE
Your choice. While I'm not too far past afternoon I'll find a
man who'll take me home to mother.
MATT
Be reasonable.
ELLEN
We don't feel reasonable.
JANE
We feel reprehensibly rejected, and I for one am not going to
take it. You stand up for me, or else.
TOM
Just tell your mother the truth. I've told mine, and she took
it fairly well. Of course, I haven't mentioned the baby yet-
MATT
Jane. If it bothers you that much, we can get married. We'll simply
keep it quiet-
JANE
Matthew Morganbesser, you get on the phone and either tell your
mother you're going to marry me or tell her you need a place to
stay- your landlady's putting your clothes out on the front steps.
MATT
All right. All right already, I'm going. But if she-
ALL
Go!
JANE
Ellen, dear, I am so sorry. It must be genetic. But you and Sam
made some progress. Sam did say the vows-
ELLEN
You're right, Jane. That's something.
TOM (goes toward bathroom)
Peggy? Are you all right in there?
JANE
Don't give up on him.
ELLEN
But Jane, how can I ever trust him again? (PEGGY and ANN return,
hugging)
JANE
Peggy? What is it?
TOM
You've been in the bathroom long enough to hatch.
PEGGY
I'm all right. But I'm not hatching. At least, not in the near
future.
ANN
We think she's had a miscarriage.
PEGGY
It doesn't hurt. A little cramping, is all.
JANE
Oh, you poor dear. (ELLEN and JANE comfort PEGGY)
ELLEN
One that you wanted?
PEGGY
Losing it this early, it's usually something wrong. The older
you are-
TOM
It doesn't mean you can't succeed with the next one. Now's not
the handiest time, anyway. I wouldn't have said anything, but
really, I'd like to have a job and be settled in a house, before
we start with the children-
PEGGY
Children?
ELLEN
How many do you plan to have?
TOM
Well, two anyway.
ELLEN
And a house?
JANE
That's a lot. Peggy's a marvel, but she can't do the impossible-
TOM
A secretary in the Math office just had a baby, and she's 54.
Of course, it's her seventh and not her second: she's Catholic.
But even at 50-
PEGGY
Two babies? At 50? Even if I were able to, that sounds--
ANN
Crazy! My father says you're crazy. He wouldn't go through a baby
again for a million dollars.
PEGGY
He said that to his darling daughter? That's a hell of a thing!
ANN
Oh, he wrapped it around stuff about how happy he is now that
he has me. But one's enough for him, he says, and it ought to
be for you, at your age.
PEGGY
He may have a point. I'm feeling rather--
JANE
Men are from another planet.
TOM
Do you think for real equality, women have to be pro boxers? Or
is the female role in reproduction a biological constraint? If
we passed a law -
ELLEN
Tom, shut up. (MATT enters, looking dazed)
JANE
Well? What did she say?
MATT
She said we have her blessing. She said it was my father who was
prejudiced, not her. She said she wants to dance at our wedding-
and do we mind if she brings her boyfriend? He's Italian.
TOM
All right! What'd I tell you? Now, if we're going to make it a
double ceremony, the best date would be around the beginning of
January. That way school's out, and if I have to relocate-
ELLEN
Tom? Please shut up.
TOM (sings from YEOMEN)
"I have a song to sing, ho!"
ALL OTHERS (sing)
"Don't sing your song, ho!" (exit MATT and JANE)
PEGGY
Let's just be happy for Jane and Matt now.
TOM
But what about plans?
PEGGY (lifts wineglass, toasts)
To Love! SONG Love Is a Plaintive Song from Patience
PEGGY Love that no wrong can cure, Love that is always true,
That is the love that's pure, that is the love that's true. (TOM
joins)
Love that no wrong can cure, Love that is always true,
That is the love that's pure, that is the love, the love, that's
true!
SCENE 9 - December Wedding
TOM
Now, friends, you've experienced a real Gilbert and Sullivan wedding--
(cheers)
MATT (to one side)
Nothing real about G&S. And what's the longest run?
AUDIENCE
120 years!
TOM
Any of you young people out there thinking of getting married,
it's all out of copyright-
Check out the lyrics, people. See if you don't agree that it ought
to be part of the ceremony. In fact, I personally hope that some
day soon-
MATT
Maestro!
JANE in her wedding dress from SCENE ONE. Cast sings The MIKADO
MADRIGAL
"Brightly dawns our wedding day,Joyous hour we give thee
greeting,
Whither, whither art thou fleeting? Fickle moment stay!
What though mortal joys be hollow, Pleasures come if sorrows follow,
This the close of every song - ding dong, ding dong."
PEGGY sings When a Merry Maiden Marries from Gondeliers
When a merry maiden marries, Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song, All is right and nothing's wrong.
From today and ever after Let our tears be tears of laughter,
Every sigh that finds a vent, Be a sigh of sweet content!
When you marry merry maiden, Then the air with love is laden;
Every flower is a rose, every goose becomes a swan;
Every kind of trouble goes Where the last year's snows have gone.
Sunlight takes the place of shade, When you marry merry maid!
All the year is merry may! Merry merry May! Merry merry May!
All the year is Merry merry May!
CURTAIN
THE END
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