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A One Act Play
Ruling Passion
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2011, 1982
Geralyn Horton
 See
pictures from MIT student production of Ruling Passion in
June 2004.
CHARACTERS:
ELEANOR Holmes Witherspoon, 50 : President of the Duxbury
Ladies Literary Society. She's also the wife of the president
of a nearby university.
DR. ARCHIBALD E. PRICE: 50, Chairman of the History Dept.
at Dr. Witherspoon's university.
MARY, Queen of Scots: portrayed by Sarah Kendricks, the
recently divorced wife of a Duxbury real estate broker.
CLEOPATRA, Queen of the Nile: portrayed by Lulajean Broklaw,
26, wife of an engineer in charge of the Duxbury town water plant.
JOAN OF ARC: portrayed by Mary Agnes Gennino, 30, spinster,
gym teacher at the local High School and star of the Northeastern
Women's Rugby League.
Time/Place/Scene: The setting is the Duxbury High School
auditorium, where the monthly meeting of the Duxbury Ladies Literary
Society, (founded in 1905) is taking place. There is a podium
draped with a red Russian shawl, and a banner blazened "Duxbury
Ladies Literary Society,"(which the ladies carry when they
march in the town's July 4th parade) is hung at the back of the
stage. The time is now.
The pre-show music, a brisk march played on a not-quite-in tune
piano, reaches the climax of a section, and before the unseen
pianist can launch herself into the next segment, President Eleanor
Holmes Witherspoon, a fifty-ish woman costumed as Eleanor Roosevelt,
calls the meeting to order.)
ELEANOR (bangs gavel)
Ladies! Ladies! Uh, thank you, Clara. Clara, that's enough! Stop
the music, will you? There now.
Hasn't this been fun? Like our July 4th parade! Now you might
as well go back to your seats, girls, because we're not going
to announce the winners until you're all settled. In the meantime,
I want to take this opportunity to thank Leena Carlson, our program
chairman. Stand up and take a bow, Leena, whoever you are! There
she is! She's that Marilyn Monroe! (ELEANOR leads the audience
in applause)
Now there's been a nasty rumor going the rounds that Leena dreamed
up this whole fantasy party so that she could show off that red
sequin dress . The way I heard it, she paid $400.00 for it to
wear on her anniversary, but when Bill saw that it was cut down
to her appendix practically, he would't let her out of the house
in it! Not anywhere there's men! Not true, not a word of it. I
happen to know that she borrowed this contest idea from the Chicopee
Women's Guild, and the dress she got from her sister-in-law, who
used to sing with a rock band. So shame on you gossip, whoever
you are! (whispers offstage) Are you ready yet? What?
(Goes to curtain to consult unseen judges.)
Oh.(returns)
I'm supposed to tell the two Jackie O's that the judges thought
you both very good, especially the one with
the blood on her stockings: but the ground rules that Dr.Engles
set down for us say very plainly that our heroine can't be anybody
who's married to somebody who's more famous than she is. So I'm
afraid we have to rule that Jack was, no matter what he said to
the French that time! Of course that eliminates you Nancy Reagans,
too---and I suppose it 'd even apply to me, if I were out there
in the running! ! I knew I never should have married that upstart
Franklin!
(looking off)
Now?
(goes ofstage, returns with a paper)
ELEANOR (continued)
At last! The moment we've all been waiting for! We're going to
call the three finalists up here to give their answers to our
"Heroine of History" quiz, conducted by our own distinguished
quiz mistress, Dr. Catherine Engels, on loan to us today from
my husband's university where she teaches that wonderful "Women
in History" course I took last year......Excuse me a minute,
girls, they want me......Just hold your horses, while I announce
this.......The runners up in todays contest are-! Fanfare, please,
Clara! (piano fanfare)
Susie Coombes as Heloise, and Rochelle Singer as Lady Godiva!
Take a bow, girls, and ladies, give them a big hand!
(ELEANOR goes into the wings,the piano plays, applause. ELEANOR
returns, followed by a professorial male, aged about fifty, in
tweeds, who takes a step or two toward the center of the stage,
and then stops, hesitant.)
Ladies, ladies--may I have your attention, please? There's been
a little change in the program here. Apparently Catherine Engels
won't be able to be with us today after all, she called backstage:
and according to Toodie Bates, she sounded ever so upset, so maybe
it really was important: though as an academic First Lady I certainly
have my doubts about that: I mean what do Phd's do that's urgent?
Sub specie aeternitatis, and all that! --anyway, here in her place
is a most distinguished substitute, Dr.Archibald E. Price, senior
professor of European History, and chairman of her department.
We're honored to have you, Dr. Price, especially at the last moment
like this, and we all want to thank you for coming.
(applause)
PRICE
I'm honored to be here--or maybe I'm not, since I wasn't invited.
Anyway, when Catherine insisted that she be allowed to talk to
the committee I volunteered to fill in for her here--we can't
leave you ladies in the lurch, now, can we? Especially our charming
Mrs.President--uh--Roosevelt.
ELEANOR
You can call me Eleanor.
PRICE
Thank you, Eleanor.
ELEANOR
You know the rules?
PRICE
I've been given this sheet of paper....
ELEANOR
You conduct the quiz, and then the best woman wins.
PRICE
Ready when you are, ladies. You are ladies? It is permissible
to say so?
ELEANOR
This is the Duxbury Ladies Literary Society, founded in 1905.
We just had our diamond jubilee.
PRICE
Ladies! I'm dazzled. And privilged, to be in the presence of so
many indubitable ladies, to be the only pair of male eyes to gaze
out on this sea of feminine elegance. Believe me, all this would
be wasted on Catherine!
ELEANOR
Ready, then? Our first finalist is..(consulting her papers) Sarah
Kendricks, as Mary, Queen of Scots! Come on up here, Sarah.
(the piano plays a brisk Scottish march.ELEANOR leads the audience
in applause. Sarah makes her way up from the auditorium. She is
assisted onto the stage by Price,who executes a formal bow.)
PRICE
Madame. Your majesty.
ELEANOR
Wonderful costume, Sarah, just wonderful. Where'd you get it?
MARY
Thank you. I...uh...
PRICE
Madame President..tch,tch,tch.That's not one of the questions.
ELEANOR
Oh.Sorry.
PRICE
I don't know why it shouldn't be, mind you. It makes as much sense
as any of the ones Dr. Engles's got down here.
MARY
I don't mind telling you, really....I..
ELEANOR
No dear, Price's right. We'd better get on with it.
PRICE
The first question is, "Why did you decide to come dressed
as this particular woman?"
MARY
As Mary? You mean just what were my personal feelings? Well,I
guess I thought that it would be romantic. I mean, I love the
clothes of this period, the lines,the velvet. I considered coming
as Elizabeth, but she's just too.. too.. grotesque. The Virgin
Queen! All that white paint, and the fright wig. Did you see the
movie?
PRICE
All of them.
MARY
Mary's the sympathetic one. So beautiful, so wronged. I loved
reading about her.
PRICE
Schiller? Maxwell Anderson?
MARY
I don't know. It might've been Victoria Holt; I read all her books.
Anyway, this one had Mary on the cover, galloping over the misty
moors, with her enemies in pursuit. They were all obsessed by
her, you know. Either madly in love, or plotting her ruin.
PRICE
So you came as the Queen of Scots because she reminds you of a
character in a Gothic novel.
MARY
Oh,no. She's much better, because it's all true. She really mattered.
ELEANOR
I think we're ready for the second question.
PRICE
What is there about this character you're portraying that should
make her an example for women today?"
MARY
Oh, wow.
PRICE
I agree. It's a silly question.
ELEANOR
I don't see that. Examples are important.
PRICE
For whom? Princess Di? I hardly think that there's a lady here
who could emulate Mary.
MARY
Why not?
PRICE
She was,to put it simply, a pretty twit who was caught in the
grip of the historically inexorable.
ELEANOR
Sarah may not agree with that.
MARY
Oh, I don't. You see, Mary lost everything. Her country and her
throne, her husband, her child, the man she loved, her friends
and her freedom: but she never lost her dignity. She knew what
was due to her. A lot of us today have losses. Some of you may
recognize the material in this dress--it's from the drapes in
the music room of our house in
Linden Lane. I'm never going to be living anywhere that I could
use them any more, and I found that sewing had a calming effect
while the kids were staying with Larry over the vacation. Especially
sewing on the pearls--remember the South Sea effect we had with
these pearls on the shower curtain? Anyway, I can see why the
court ladies used to embroider all the time. It's something good
to do when thinking won't do any good.Between that and prayer,
Mary endured. And she never lost hope.
ELEANOR
Very nice, Sarah dear.
PRICE
I'm not sure we can give Mary credit for being all that patient.
In fact, I would've said that she was inclined to lose her head!
ELEANOR
What's the next question?
PRICE
It's for all three when we've got them together. Who's next?
ELEANOR
Let's give a nice hand to Mary, first. It's not easy to stand
up in front of a crowd like this and defend yourself.(applause)
The second finalist is Lulajean Broklaw, as Cleopatra, Queen of
the Nile! (applause)
(the piano strikes up "o they don't wear pants on the southern
side of France..." while CLEO, in a belly dancer's outfit
with a cobra diadem over Cleopatra cornrows, shimmies and wiggles
her way onto the stage. PRICE pantomines abject obesience.)
CLEO
I made it, huh? I was kinda worried you guys were so pissy
you'd pass me by.
PRICE
How could they?
CLEO
The judges? They're women! Anyway, here's Little Egypt, big as
life and twice as sexy.
ELEANOR
You are supposed to be Cleopatra?
CLEO
Oh, sure.
PRICE
The seventh, I presume?
CLEO
Huh?
PRICE
The Cleopatra best known to history was the seventh of that name.
You remember, rulers are numbered: Ramses the second, Richard
the third, Cleopatra the seventh.....
CLEO
Forget that. I'm number one! (she does a bump and grind)
Right?!
PRICE(trying the bump)
Right!
ELEANOR
Let's get to the questions, shall we?
PRICE
Oh, right.
CLEO
No, Doc.(she demonstrates again) Right!
PRICE
Oh (bump) Right! The question is, why did you decide to come dressed
as this particular historical character?
CLEO
Go on, honey. Guess. (she shimmies ecstatically)
ELEANOR
Some of us may not be sure how to score non-verbal communication.
CLEO
Some of you can't score at all. Right?
ELEANOR
Let's call up the next one.
CLEO
Wait just a minute. You're giving away tickets, Bermuda for two?
ELEANOR
That's the first prize.
CLEO
For that I'll be serious. Fly low now, and play later. Now why
did I get up as Cleopatra? Honest?
PRICE
It's not my question.
CLEO
O.k. It was after little Leroy was born, that I decided I'd have
to do something if I wanted to have a shape that I could do something
with, if you get what I mean. He was my third one, and he was
a Caesarean.
PRICE
So was Cleopatra's.
CLEO
Huh?
PRICE
Her son was a Caesarion. Named after his Daddy Julius.
CLEO
Do I have to take this shit? I'm supposed to be a Queen.
ELEANOR
Just get on with your answer, will you?
CLEO
Anyway, I signed up for this belly dance class, and I was great.
I mean a real natural. The teacher talked me into buying this
terrific costume cause I was so good, and she got me a couple
of gigs at that roadhouse out on route two, I used the name Sherrina,
and even though what I made hardly paid for the sitter I got a
real charge out of it.Then one of the guys my husband works with
saw me out there and started mouthing off about it . So that was
that, and I was stuck with this solid gold shimmy suit.Then when
I heard about this contest I asked myself who could I wear it
and be?
PRICE
Salome? the Queen of Sheba?
CLEO
Yeah, I guess. Anyways, I thought of Cleopatra. There was this
clown did her in the Ice Capades, with balloons for his boobs,
and he wore a crown like this one I got here.
PRICE
You've sure improved on the balloons
ELENOR
Next question, please.
PRICE
What is there about this character that should make her an example
for women today?
CLEO(bump)
Right!
PRICE(bump)
Right!
CLEO
Serious. That Cleopatra was one girl who really had it. I mean,
she slept with the most powerful guys in the whole world. They
had it all, and there they were, pumping it into her! Think of
the charge she must've got out of that,enough electricity there
to illuminate the blooming Nile! Fireworks and a neon barge! She
never had to pretend to be goody two shoes either, like our gracious
first lady. Baths of asses milk, drinking pearls.
PRICE
What about the asp?
CLEO
Big deal. She knew the party was over. So she wasn't about to
stick around and let anybody make a fool out of her. That's class,
man. A class act.
PRICE
The world well lost for love.
CLEO
Screw that. Get in there, get what you want, and get out.
ELEANOR
Over there, please.
CLEO
Say what?
ELEANOR
It's time for the next contestant.
CLEO
'Sthat right?
PRICE(bump)
Right.
CLEO(bump)
Right.
ELEANOR
Today's final finalist is Mary Agnes Gennino, who's here today,
and you all must've noticed her and just been waiting for us to
call her up here,she's Joan of Arc!
(Applause. Martial music. There is a commotion as JOAN, in full
armor, with sword, shield, and a huge spear flying the great lily
banner, attemts to make her way onto the stage. She stumbles,
and there is a great crash. PRICE and ELEANOR rush to the edge
of the stage to untangle her and help her up.)
ELEANOR
Mary Agnes?
JOAN
Charge!
ELEANOR
Mary Agnes? (knocking on her helmet) Are you all right in there?
JOAN
God for St. Catherine, St.Michel, St. Margaret, St. me!
PRICE
Got to get her helmet off.(he gets it off)
There.
JOAN
It's like a belfry in there. I'm ringing.
ELEANOR
Get her a chair.
JOAN
I'll be all right. 'Sonly a scratch.
ELEANOR
You're so authentic!
PRICE
Right down to the smell. How long've you been hermetically sealed?
JOAN
It's hot.
ELEANOR
Are you going to be well enough to answer our questions?
JOAN
"If I am not, may God bring me to it."
PRICE
"That is a very good reply."
ELEANOR
First question.
PRICE
"Why did you decide to come dressed as this historical character?"
JOAN
Knight in shining armor.
ELEANOR
Hmmm?
PRICE
Would you care to elaborate?
JOAN
Rather fight! Action. Other girls wanna find their knight in shining
armor. I wanna be one.
PRICE
Is that all?
JOAN
All!? It's the whole difference between me and the rest of them.
ELEANOR
Well, it's not enough for me, I'm dying of curiosity. Where'd
that costume come from: a museum? How's it fit?
JOAN
Doesn't . 'Swhy I fell on my can. 'S big in the feet, tight in
the tush. Pelvic bunions.
ELEANOR
So where'd you get it?
JOAN
University.
ELEANOR
They let you rent it?
JOAN
Naw, They owe me. I've staged fights for em, loaned em my swords.
PRICE
I thought that looked familiar.
JOAN
This was Macbeth last year.
PRICE
Richard III in '95 ?
JOAN
Henry V in '93.
PRICE
Henry VIII in '06.
JOAN
Wrong. Henry VI in '08.
PRICE
Oh.
ELEANOR
Can we get on with it?
PRICE
The question for you is, how is Joan an example for women today
?
JOAN
Look, uh...Joannie-babe's not for everybody. Different strokes,
ya know? But she's for me. Out in front, chuck the humble milkmaid,
if the thing needs doing, charge! Nobody told her what to do,
or how to do it. Just her voices.You don't like it, take it up
with Headquarters! But best of all,, she beat the infallible!
When you're playing againt the One True Church, Pappa makes all
the rules,right?
PRICE(bump)
Right! Oooppps! Sorry.
JOAN
They got it all down, questions, answers, before you're old enough
to think they make you memorize.. Page 14, question 3: This is
that kind of a sin and that other things an error-- and don't
think that:it's a dangerous heresy. QED.
Whichever way you go, they got you, down on your knees. They got
her too, they burnt her--but then they had to take it back! Hell
of a thing, huh? I mean they're supposed to know everything, and
they went through the whole rigamarole, questions, inquisitors,
and then they have to turn around and admit they can't tell right
from wrong! Don't know a witch from a saint! Knocking off a couple
of castles, wiping out some infantry--that's nothing compared
to the fall of question 3! Right up the old infallible!
PRICE
Interesting. Now for the finale...
ELEANOR
I think they've all given us some good answers, don't you?
(she
leads the audience in applause.)
Now, this next part is a little tricky. As I understand it, Dr.
Engles wanted each of you to explain why your heroine should be
the ideal for all of us. Then you vote, and.....
JOAN
We vote?
CLEO
What about him?
MARY
You mean all of us, the women out there and..
ELEANOR
No, just you three.
CLEO
What the hell kind of idea is that?
PRICE
That's a woman's libbers idea.Catherine comes up with that kind
of nonsense all the time: it's impossible to get any work done.
ELEANOR
I think Dr. Engles was hoping that you could reach a consensus.....
CLEO
Sure we will! We'll agree it's every woman for herself!
MARY
I think you ought to give it to me. To Mary, I mean. To be closed
in, put away, when--
JOAN
We've all been there. Miss Innocent, sure,------ every move was
a scheme or a seduction, right?
CLEO(bump)
Right!
MARY
I only tried to get what was rightfully mine.
JOAN
The throne of France?
MARY
The throne of Scotland.
PRICE
And the throne of England!
CLEO
While Sister Elizabeth's sitting in it !
JOAN
Why not take over her chair, you already took her old cherie.
CLEO
A nice change from that Italian tenor you used to duet. Sock it
to me, wop! (bump)Right?
MARY
You're a fine one to talk about wops. You laid half a Roman legion!
CLEO
Damn right!(bump) My ass is half god-ass. When I do it, its divine.
MARY
Poisoning your brother Ptolomy ---was that divine?
CLEO
Did I do that? You sure you haven't got me mixed with the sixth?
PRICE
Polemy VII, your brother and husband. You got rid of him in 47
B.C.
CLEO
O, that Ptolomy! Well now, Mary, you know how a little thing like
a murdered husband can slip a girl's mind. I guess I figured that
since me and my little bro were both half-gods, we could split
the job. I sent Ptolomy down to take care of the underworld, while
I run things up on earth.
MARY
You got away with it! It isn't fair!
JOAN
Will you stop sniveling! Whine, whine, whine. You'd think that
you were the first woman who ever took a tumble . Neither Cleo
nor I exactly ended up roses, did we?
CLEO
You bet your sweet asp!
MARY
I don't expect you to understand, Joan the Maid. Not what it is
to have been a Queen, and a real woman.
JOAN
What Queen was obeyed the way I was? Leading the flower of my
country's youth in desperate battle. Shouting my commands, singing
out my war-cry, my arm like iron, my will purest gold!
PRICE
That may be a slight exaggeration.
MARY
I had armies.
JOAN
You had men to lead them! You let them lose for you, because you
didn't know any better. I was the head, the mind, the terrible
swift sword.
PRICE
I think you carried a flag.
CLEO
You hear that? How many'd you mow down with that banner, tiger?
I'm the leader, I had subject potentates! I had a navy!
JOAN
Yeah! And you also had a real urge to be somewhere else when it
came to a fight! Thanks to you to the whole Eastern world collapsed
!
CLEO
Says who!
JOAN
Says The Battle of Actium!
CLEO
O, byz Anctium! That was a --
PRICE
Strategic retreat?
CLEO
Right!
PRICE(bump)
Right!
JOAN
Screw that. Actium was a coward showing Tony how to run.
CLEO
Says the farm girl. You know about as much about strategy as your
horse!
JOAN
Take that back, you fat-assed old---! (CLEO and JOAN tussle)
CLEO
Come out of that tin can and fight like a man!
JOAN(to MARY)
Out of my way, you feeble twirp! (MARY joins the fight,biting
and scratching)
PRICE
All this is so unnecessary, Eleanor:here you have an expert, trained
to be impartial, and because you insist on trying to follow Dr.Engel's
bizarre notion of participatory government you've allowed this
splendid contest to degenerate into a trial by combat.
(loud sounds of warfare from Queens)
ELEANOR
Ladies!!!(she advances toward the audience, gavel raised in threat)
Don't any of you dare try to get in on this! Ladies!!!
PRICE
You need a judge! Even Goddesses do,sometimes.. Think of me as
that fortunate mortal, Paris. Your prize the golden apple.
ELEANOR
GIRLS! Break it up. New rules!
PRICE
Last one up's a rotten tomato. (the Queens subside)
ELEANOR
We're going to do the Judgement of Paris.
CLEO
But I had my heart set on Bermuda.
JOAN
I get it. Archie here gets to grade our ...
CLEO
Assets.
PRICE
It's not that different from a sophomore theme.
MARY
I'm certainly am glad its out of our hands. I broke two nails
...
JOAN
If you'd fight fair...
PRICE
Now, now girls. Woman can't fight fair. It's not in their nature,
they don't have the training in sportmanship and team play...
ELEANOR
Can we get on with this?
PRICE
I thought if you girls'd free-associate, let us see that the tenor
of your thought is truly Queenly.....what would you do if you
woke up tomorrow ruler by Divine Right?
CLEO
I wouldn't get up til noon.
JOAN
I'd be out at dawn, on a milk-white Arabian.
CLEO
I wouldn't mind an Arabian. Or an Ethiopean, or even Greek---
MARY
From the stables I'd walk through the garden, gathering roses,
white and the pale, pale pink...
CLEO
Persian melons. Strawberries and cream...
MARY
After my bath ,...
CLEO
And my massage..
MARY
I'd put on my robes, austere in cut, but silken with golden thread.....
CLEO
Sewn with emeralds, rubies,amathysts, diamonds that dazzle the
eye.
MARY
Hundreds of servants scurrying to attend me.....
JOAN
Anticipating my commands.
CLEO
Inventing my desires.
JOAN
Every man fantasizing how it would be just to be where I am.
CLEO
Courtiers bowing, crawling to touch the hem of my robe
MARY
To be permitted to kiss my foot.
CLEO
My lips.
MARY
My face that launched a thousand ships.
PRICE
And your rivals!? What would you do to them?
JOAN
These sluts? I'd put them in a dungeon where they'd never see
the sun, where they'd never see a man, I'd hang them in chains..
MARY
I'd give them rags and moldy bread, in a tiny room all lined
with mirrors.
CLEO
I'd lock them in a high tower where they could always see me,
my beauty, my splendor, the ardor of my subjects....
PRICE
And suppose I were the one to give it to you? If I could place
the crown on your head?
MARY
Nothing would be too good for you, my friend.
JOAN
Honors, riches...
CLEO(cuddles up)
The favors of a Queen...
ELEANOR
Archibald!
CLEO
Jealous, Elly?
ELEANOR
When Catherine told me you used your position in the
department to gratitfy a hankering for --for-- hanky-pank, I thought
it was just gossip..
PRICE
It is, it is...
ELEANOR
Do you subject your students to sexual blackmail?
PRICE
That's just the kind of accusation one would expect from a frustrated
old maid!
ELEANOR
Old maid! I have been a wife for 31 years! I might admit to being
frustrated..
PRICE
Not you, dear lady. I meant that catty dyke Engels.
ELEANOR
Catherine's no lesbian, she's had dozens of lovers! A diplomat,
a virtuoso of the bassoon, a Russian plumber..!
CLEO
Serious?
ELEANOR
If what she told me is true, you tried to pressure her into taking
you on as one of them.
PRICE
That was a misunderstanding
ELEANOR
A power play. Usually pulled on underlings.
PRICE
I didn't pursue it. Since she wasn't interested.
ELEANOR
Who would be?
PRICE
I, too, were I not a gentleman, could claim my dozens..
JOAN
Yeah?
CLEO
He is kinda cute.
ELEANOR
Those dozens are always sniffing around Frank, too. They're not
turned on by his skinny shanks or his paunch, or even the twinkle
in his eye. They see "president", they smell power.
They hope it rubs off, humping.
CLEO
Right!
ELEANOR
How attractive would these middle-aged Prince Charmings be if
they didn't have a bag of goodies to dangle, but just a-
MARY
But they do.
CLEO
Enough of this
academic bullshit. Are you gonna get on with it?
ELEANOR
Certainly not. This contest is a travesty of Catherine's intentions.
CLEO
So what?
JOAN
One of us three is supposed to win that trip.
ELEANOR
The only thing to do is start over, ask the right questions.
CLEO
Are you crazy?
MARY
Why don't you just step down there, and we'll........
JOAN
If you need an armed escort....
PRICE
Give in gracefully?
ELEANOR
Oh, no. Don't you understand? This event was planned to honor
us by one of our own, who's a kind of modern Queen, herself. Or
at least a great Lady. A distinguished scholar, the star of our
University's History Department--
PRICE
Not any more.
MARY
He fired her?
CLEO
Don't mess around, do you, Archie-boy?
ELEANOR
You! You--pig!
PRICE
Let's not get hysterical, Eleanor. It was nothing personal. Personally,
I find Catherine quite admirable.... intelligent, handsome, a
dedicated teacher...
JOAN
But not your kind of guy.
PRICE
Be reasonable. How can I, in all conscience, allow my department
to vest authority in a person who misapprehends the nature of
our discipline?
ELEANOR
Did somebody elect you God? She has degrees, her research!
PRICE
Girl Scout troups of grad students spinning the saga of the voiceless
oppressed! What poppycock!
ELEANOR
You prefer that woman's story stay hidden! Her history-
PRICE
There is no hidden history! History isn't a list of everything
that happened--it's the story of what matters! If three hundred
thousand peasant girls perish from pinworm, that fact may fill
the annals of epidemiology --but it's not history! History is
deeds. On the walls of the caves,carved into the pyramids, the
proud fierce boasts of men of extraordinary will!
CLEO
What about us?
PRICE
Huh?
MARY
Some of us were on the pyramids, weren't we ,Cleo?
ELEANOR
I can't believe my husband went along with this - this tryanny!
Poor Catherine --
PRICE
Pity us men!
ELEANOR
If only she were here now, she'd know what to do...
JOAN
Just get out of the way and let him pick a queen, OK?
ELEANOR
No! You're not fit, not one of you! If only I were as brave as
she is, or a teeny bit younger, or could start over,
I 'll show you all! (She begins to take off her clothes. Suit,
blouse, heels,...the pianist starts "The Stripper")
MARY
Mrs. President!
CLEO
Cut that out!
JOAN
We already have a Godiva!
MARY (blocking Price's view with her skirt)
We're ladies, Eleanor! This is a gentlman!
PRICE
Really, I think you could spare us the sight of your mature allurements.
(ELEANOR whips off the Russian shawl that is draped over the podium,
and wraps it toga-style, over her underwear.)
JOAN
What is this?
MARY
I know you're upset about your friend, Mrs. Witherspoon, but she'll
get another job..
ELEANOR
Catherine the Great! Empress of all the Russias!
PRICE
As she carried on affairs of State?
ELEANOR
Affairs, anyway.
CLEO
Right!
PRICE
Come now, Eleanor, you can't have a sneaking admiration for the
corruptress of apple-cheeked guardsmen...
ELEANOR
An enlightened ruler, whose mission is to raise her people out
of their of childish dependency, ....
PRICE
Really, my dear, trying to wean the Russians from the Church,
force-feeding them French ideas and German administration, English
art: my God! English art!
ELEANOR
Not just English: painters, poets, philosophers from all over
the world flocked to her court.....
PRICE
Come into my parlor, said the spider! A fat female, spinning out
notions, never one with the people, never forging their separate
wills into dominion...
JOAN
That's how it was with me and France! The land had a soul and
a voice and a will to drive out the English, and it came to life
in me! I did it!
PRICE
Who says so?
JOAN
History!
PRICE
Schoolgirls! The men of the time called it God, or the devil,
but--
JOAN
God through me, God in me, I did it!
PRICE
God is the aspirations of men!
ELEANOR
Of men and of women! Focused at that time in the Maid! Joan had
her voices, Catherine had a great vision--
PRICE
And a gargantuan appetite! Chew men up and spit them out!
CLEO
Sounds good to me.
JOAN
I like the spit part.
MARY
You not claiming she raped anybody, are you? Even ugly queens
get volunteers. The Russians are kind of kinky anyway,
PRICE
The sons of Mother Russia. Their genius cries out for the lash,
for that absolutism that will challenge their manhood, daring
them under pain of death to criticise or create!
ELEANOR
That certainly explains the way you run your department! Dare
your underlings criticise...
PRICE
Criticism is one thing, but lack of respect for authority..
ELEANOR
What about academic freedom?
PRICE
That's why we have it! Authority is the father of freedom!
ELEANOR
You shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. Catherine Engles
was helping us women to invent ourselves, to break out of your
stereotypes --
PRICE
No! We invent you -- just as we invent gods and kings. We need
you. You are the Other.
MARY
The Mother?
PRICE
Not that, she's separate, she can take her breast away, and that
terrible realization was our first act of intellect. Everything
since is compensation, a booby prize to ease the pain, and the
fear we feel, knowing the breast is not part of us. What could
we do? We were needy, we were greedy, but we were helpless! So
we invented a Great One, a King, as huge compared to the mass
of humanity as Mommy is to her puling infant, and we made him
live out our fantasy of glut. He eats and sleeps and fucks At
will. His defecation is a sacrament. His dreams take shape inalabaster.
He is not mocked: at his sneeze the whole earth trembles!
CLEO
Shit, man..
PRICE
Think of the tombs, where they lie in state, surrounded by the
multitude slaughtered to serve them in the beyond: dogs and horses,
chickens and dancing girls...
MARY
He really gets off on this.
PRICE
Sometimes I think I'm the only one who understands! Fools say
that power grows out of the barrel of a gun, or out of the economic
system, but that's not so. Power is the hierarchical organization
of fantasy! History is its chronicle! The collective unconscious
of the male incarnate!
CLEO
Yeah? Well what about mine?
PRICE
You don't have an unconscious, my dear, you are one. We invented
you.
CLEO
Just to shake my fanny?
PRICE(patting CLEO's ass)
That's what it's for.
CLEO
Crazy bastard.
MARY
Mrs. Witherspoon, does your husband have any idea that this kind
of thing's going on in one of his departments...
ELEANOR
My husband? The empty czar?
JOAN
The real one. President Witherspoon.
MARY
My niece is signed up for a course with this nut next year! There
ought to be something that could be done...if we had a tape recorder....
ELEANOR
Maybe we don't need one. Our word should be good. If we write
down some of the insane stuff he's come out with, and send it
to the Association....
PRICE
You girls? Who play dolls? Who play dress up?
JOAN
I'm an Instructor, part-time, it's true, but they'd have trouble
replacing me for what they're willing to pay--
PRICE
Ridiculous! Nothing that takes place here has actually happened!
ELEANOR
Really?
PRICE
There's the public world and there's private. A ladies club is
more private than a bedroom! That's the glorious joke on womans'lib.
Consciousness raising, woman's networks---They don't exist! None
of you exists! Catherine doesn't exist! So you see why we can't
appoint her--it would confuse the undergraduates.
ELEANOR
They aren't confused. Admit it: the best students preferred her
classes, her research projects..
JOAN
You're losing touch.
CLEO
Losing your harem. Right?
PRICE
I've put a stop to that!
ELENOR
Dr. Price, I think you ought to urge the committee to reconsider.
I've discussed Catherine's work with my husband, and as I understand
it, she's admired by respected members of your profession...
PRICE
Idiots! Data grubs! Levelers and cliometricians! They're all around
in this sorry age, I can't keep them out of my own department!
Still, so far I've kept them in line. It's not Catherine's stupid
notions that made me have to get rid of her. She's a dangerous
example.
ELEANOR
I learned a lot in that course she taught.
PRICE
Herstory, right?
CLEO(bump)
Right!
PRICE
No---wrong! HIS story, MY story, the gift of the past to the future.
ELENOR
When my husband hears about this incident, ...
PRICE
I told you, this never happened! Do you think Witherspoon listens
to you--your old-wives tales? That's what you are, Eleanor: an
old wife. All used up and good for nothing but gossip, gossip.
MARY
Time to trade her in on a new one. That's what you do, I know.
Use us up and then just dismiss us.
PRICE
The brave deserve the fair-- there's plenty of 'em! Look here,
dozens with nothing better to do than deck yourselves out as sirens
and sex bombs! Wombats like Eleanor-
ELEANOR
We run the world, you know. Gardening, housework, raising children.
Battles aren't that big in Mother Nature's plan.
MARY
Women are strong. We endure.
PRICE
The beasts of the field endure. Come to that, the amoeba is immortal!
Consider Leviathan, the Great Fish. His brain is superior to ours,
he is tender, he sings! But he will soon be extinct, and his song
dies with him. He can not make the world conform to the contents
of his dream.
ELEANOR
Are you saying that women are like whales, Professor Price?
PRICE
On the stage of history, madame, you are fish out of water.
JOAN
Whales are mammals.
CLEO
Their young are born like ours are.
MARY
Females bear life. That ought to count for something.
PRICE
Life is cheap! Life's not worth mentioning. The whole roomful
here can't equal the potential of one male emission! Of one insect!
Suppose the spider proctected and nourished each of her hatchlings:
the world would be spiders crawling on spiders crawling on spiders,
one vast disgusting web. Death, that's what matters! Where is
it written whether Eve wove or spun, or how many children she
had? But when Cain slew Able, that was history! Check your bible:
begats, and battles...
ELEANOR
"Saul has slain his thousands.."
" PRICE
And David his ten thousands!"
JOAN
Boadicea charging the Romans!
PRICE
No, no that's all wrong!
JOAN
The Warrior Queen!
PRICE
Never! There's no such thing! St Joan, waving her sword in the
air. She doesn't kill with it. A woman can't! .
CLEO
Oh, no?
PRICE
That's not in the fantasy. A man can't identify with a Queen.
Didn't you hear me explained it? There's tiny him and that breast
out there to be conquered.
ELEANOR
Nonsense. The glory days of a nation come with female rulers.
MARY
Though we have our differences, I've got to give credit to the
Elizabeths, the great first and now II.
PRICE
The frump and the shrew.
MARY
And there's Queen Juliana--
PRICE
A second banana!
CLEO
Indira Ghandi.
PRICE
Cotton Candy!
JOAN
Margaret Thatcher.
PRICE
The Bottle Snatcher!
MARY
Golda Meir.
PRICE
She should disappear!
ELENOR
There's Benazir Bhutto--
PRICE
Wasn't she cute? Oh! And easy to shoot.
CLEO
Dilma the guerilla's on top in Brazil!
PRICE
Put there by Lula, and obeying him still!
ELENOR
In Germany and Iceland--
PRICE
Which they're re-naming "Niceland"--
CLEO
You want the whole banana, right?
PRICE
Right, Sweetie, (bump) Right!
CLEO
Honor, glory, goodies-- just one royal pain left for me.
PRICE
No, no, you can be a princess. A man needs a princess, on a glass
mountain....
ELEANOR
A good looking research assistant..
JOAN
Suppose we don't think that's enough?
PRICE
Think? I think, I act -- all you have to do is be! The fruitful
earth, the brute creation, woman: all are under the dominion of
Man because man and man alone can be organized, not by need or
instinct, but by a concept, an ideal, a fantasy if you will!
MARY
I'm not part of your fantasy. Not any more.
PRICE
You are, or you don't exist. Come now, what ideals have power?
What do men kill and die for?
MARY
Love?
JOAN
Faith.
CLEO
Respect.
MARY
Loyalty.
JOAN
Vengence.
PRICE
Dominion. Mastery. One alone must rule, and those who stand in
his way are destroyed or humiliated (PRICE grabs the crown from
CLEO's head and puts it on his own)
CLEO
Gimme back my crown, you creep!
MARY
Treason!
JOAN( advances, swinging her sword.)
Charge! (PRICE tries to ward her off)
PRICE
Don't let that Virago near me!
ELEANOR, MARY,& CLEO
Off with his head! Off with his head!
(JOAN beheads PRICE. The women look at each other. ELEANOR takes
off her shawl to wrap the body in, and then the women drag him
off. ELEANOR advances to the audience.)
ELEANOR
This is just between us girls, you know. It didn't really happen.
CLEO
No hidden history. Right? (bump) (ELEANOR puts on her clothes)
ELEANOR
Right!(bump) Now Joan, I think you should take these tickets.
JOAN (wiping her sword)
For me? Gee, thanks!
ELEANOR
Have a wonderful time in Bermuda, and give me a call when you
get back. (to audience) Now, I know I can trust all you girls
not to breath a word of this. After all, there are no men here,
so none of this counts! Comb your hair, ladies, brighten up your
smiles ... they'll never know.
(piano strikes up"Pomp and Circumstance")
THE END
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