A Full Length, Two-Act Play
MODIFIED RAPTURE
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2005
Geralyn Horton
CHARACTERS
PEGGY, 39, teaches English in an inner-city junior high. She
has also taught theater classes for children and directed amateur
plays.
JANE, 39, a librarian, who has been Peggy's friend since their
high school days at Girl's Latin.
MATT, 51, an engineer, is Jane's long-term live-in Significant
Other.
TOM, 27, a graduate student in engineering at MIT, is Peggy's
boyfriend.
ANN, 20, Peggy's daughter.
ELLEN, 31, Matt's daughter-in-law.
All except ELLEN are members of a church-based Gilbert and
Sullivan society devoted to an annual performance of one of the
G&S team's operettas. Quite a bit of G&S is integrated
into the action, a capella or with simple piano accompaniment,
or as a sing-along with a recording. The performers should sing
well enough so that their attempts are pleasing rather than painful
to the audience, but they should not have opera-weight voices,
or sound classically trained.
Most scenes take place in the living room of Jane and Matt's
cozy old Victorian townhouse in Brookline, Massachusetts. A few
are set in the rehearsal hall in the church basement. If a proscenium
stage is used for the main playing area, the forestage in front
of the curtain will do nicely for the other scenes.
ACT I
SCENE ONE - Early August a recording of Braid the Raven Hair from
MIKADO is playing in the background. JANE twirls in a floor-length
white and beige dress.
PEGGY
The other one has more interest in the back. You'll be facing
the minister-
JANE
Never mind. I gave the other one away.
PEGGY
You what?!
JANE
When Matthew postponed the wedding I gave it to Goodwill.
PEGGY
How theatrical! Why not the church costume collection?
JANE
I couldn't bear to see it onstage.
PEGGY
Of course.
JANE
I was thinking you might help me do something with flowers for
my hair--
(pulls silk flowers from a bag)
PEGGY
Like I did for Yum Yum?
(begins to pin flowers in Jane's hair, then notices the MIKADO
music playing in the background)
Oh! That's why you're playing "Braid the Raven Hair!".
JANE (turning off the recording)
We sound pretty good, don't you think?
PEGGY
Even better than we sounded at 16, at Girl's Latin.
PEGGY
MIKADO was the last time Ivy could reach the top notes. When was
that-- seven years ago?
JANE
Nine. Matt and I had just started dating.
PEGGY
How time flies. And now that Ivy's retired--
JANE
Are you going to audition for Rose Maybud?
PEGGY
I'm feeling too full blown for a May bud. Mad Margaret, now! But
my job....
JANE
Not again!
PEGGY
I hope to be back at Carver Junior, but here it is August without
a contract. Unless I want to office temp, I should be hunting.
JANE
I'm so glad I'm a librarian. Security, good manners-- and in 12
years I can retire.
PEGGY
We're the same age! How can you retire when I don't even know
what I want to be when I grow up?
JANE
I prescribe "innocent merriment". Being in RUDDIGORE
will make it all easier to bear.
PEGGY
That's what I told you last year.
JANE
Wonderful therapy, to live three rehearsals a week in a world
where differences in age, social position, even species, just
go "poof"! Mr. Gilbert comes up with a quibble, and
everyone sings "Oh, rapture!"
PEGGY
Sullivan supplies the operatic emotions, and Gilbert twists them
them into absurdity.
JANE
But the chorus goes along. We're absurd together, in harmony!
I love it. I'm going to do it from now till I'm ninety.
PEGGY
Even Ivy didn't go that far.
JANE
Ivy had to be a star. I'll settle for a gentle decline, from principal
to wardrobe mistress. As long as I'm with my dear friends.
PEGGY
But aren't you going on a honeymoon?
JANE
Four nights in a Vermont country inn. It won't interfere.
PEGGY
The last time Matt called it off I couldn't get a refund from
the caterer.
JANE
Peggy! We would have paid it.
PEGGY
It was just a deposit.
JANE
Matt's set the date himself, this time. There's a big to-do for
his mother's eightieth birthday the 28th, and we're also going
to be rehearsing RUDDIGORE. So romantic. You and Tom, on the stage
where you first met.
PEGGY
We didn't meet in GONDOLIERS. Tom was a shepherd in the Christmas
pageant.
JANE
I like my version. Singing a G & S duet, you fell in love.
PEGGY
Close enough. If we hadn't been cast, I don't think it would have
occurred to us.
JANE
O, you method actors. Tom'll want one of the leads, won't he?
PEGGY
He'll probably get it.
JANE
Not exactly a surplus of presentable young men.
PEGGY
Or middle-aged, for that matter.
JANE
What about your daughter's boyfriend, the tenor?
PEGGY
I don't think Ann can talk him into it. Wes hates churches, even
to rehearse in the basement.
JANE
Matt too. If you're Jewish, a church is hostile territory. But
Matt's become acclimated over the years. Like Mithridates.
PEGGY
Ann stays home with Wes on Sunday morning, now, and reads the
funnies.
JANE
I doubt that's all they do.
PEGGY
I try to keep my mind off my daughter's love life, and hope she
does the same for me.
JANE
Well, I miss her in choir. Tell Annie that Auntie Jane says to
join us in RUDDIGORE. We girls must stick together. (sings,
with PEGGY)
"Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a schoolgirl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school"
JANE
Oh, it'll be such fun! So Matt won't chicken out of auditioning,
I'll stoop to seduction, shameless flattery--
PEGGY
You couldn't get him to be in the chorus of GONDOLIERS.
JANE
Chior, either, though now he'll go to church. Matt gets embarrassed,
because he can't read music.
PEGGY
But he auditioned for the Duke!
JANE
He learns the solos from a tape. Chorus or choir, he'd be expected
to pick out his harmony.
PEGGY
So what? Lots of singers learn by ear, or use coaches--
JANE
Not Matthew the Great! Don't ever tell him I told you. You know
his theme song
(BOTH sing together) "Anything you Can Do I Can Do
Better/
I can do anything better than you!"
PEGGY
I don't know why I'm laughing. That's Tom's theme song, too!
SCENE TWO - Mid August
MATT is singing along with the tape of Robin and Old Adam's duet
in RUDDIGORE: "I Once Was As Meek". TOM knocks on the
door. MATT doesn't hear, TOM pushes door open and wheels in his
bike.
MATT (singing)
And I, who was once his valley-de-sham,
As steward I'm now employed-- ha ha!The dickens may take him--"
MATT
What the hell?
TOM
Don't you answer your door?
MATT
No wheeled machinery! (turns off RUDDIGORE tape, goes to door)
TOM
Something wrong with your doorbell?
MATT
Get that greasy contraption out of here.
TOM
Peggy's got the locks. I can't leave my bike unsecured.
MATT
Oh, yes you can.
TOM
I built this bike. It's worth a thousand dollars.
MATT
So's my floor. Put your bike on the porch.
TOM
Not without a lock.
MATT
This isn't your girlfriend's neighborhood. We're civilized. Put
it on the porch.
TOM (calling off)
Jane!
MATT
Don't try to appeal. I'm the fella who sanded the floor.
TOM
OK, OK. But if this bike is stolen--(starts to leave with bike)
MATT
I'll pass you a box of kleenex.
TOM (as he goes)
You'll get a phone call from my lawyer.
JANE (offstage)
Matt, dear? What's all the shouting?
TOM (head pops in doorframe)
Your doorbell has a short.
MATT (shouts)
Tom's here.
JANE (off)
O, lovely. Ask them if they'd rather have iced tea or a beer?
TOM (head inside, body out)
See? I push, but nothing happens.
MATT
What do you want? Beer? Iced tea?
TOM
Is the iced tea herbal?
MATT
No beer for Tom, Jane. He's a minor.
TOM
Not amusing, Matt. I haven't been carded in years.
MATT
Must be the Costume. Just how old are you, Tom?
TOM
27. As you well should know.
MATT
Right. Same age as my son.
TOM
Son Sam? The curly-haired one at the Hunger Concert?
JANE (enters)
Hello, Tom, dear. Come in, take off your helmet.
TOM (brandishing tool kit)
Did you know your doorbell's broken?
JANE
Matt has it scheduled for repair a week from next Saturday.
MATT
Was that my mother on the phone?
JANE
I don't know. I let the machine take it. Where's Peggy?
MATT
Yes, where is Peggy? You shove her under a car?
TOM
Getting her bike up the hill.
JANE
Our hill's a 20% grade.
TOM
That's what gears are for.
MATT
I could have picked you up.
TOM
Peggy needs the exercise. It's only six miles.
PEGGY (enters, exhausted)
Seven miles, seven long miles, every one of them uphill.
MATT
Are you sunburnt, or having a heat stroke?
PEGGY (collapsing)
Both. Ooff.
TOM
Hand over the locks, I'll secure our bikes. (exits)
PEGGY
Has physics changed? When I used to pedal to Girls' Latin, what
went up had to come down.
JANE
Rest here, Peggy dear. (PEGGY strikes fainting pose on sofa)
MATT
Serves you right. Letting some kid talk you into pedalling your
ass.
PEGGY (sings Ah, Leave Me Not to Pine, from PIRATES)
"Ah, Leave Me Not to Pine, alone and desolate,
Where joy is dark and drear, and sorrow all supreme,
Where Nature, day by day, will sing this weary roundelay..."
JANE (to MATT, ignoring PEGGY)
There was something important I was trying to do...
MATT
One of us isn't in long pants yet, the rest are going senile.
(MATT goes to the door to watch TOM lock the bikes.)
JANE
Was it the cat, Matt?
MATT
I gave Brunhilda a kidney and shut her in Byron's bedroom.
PEGGY
Is something wrong with Brunhilda?
JANE
Brunie had a terrible fright. The neighbors' dog-- Raffles, who
is ordinarily a perfect gentleman, and bows and tips his hat when
we pass by on our postprandials-- Raffles had some sort of primordial
seizure, and reverted to the wild. He terrified poor Brunie, right
up a tree, and it took me an hour and a half to coax her down.
I'll take you up to visit her, if you like.
PEGGY
The poor thing--. (PEGGY sits up, groans, collapses) Later.
JANE
What could I have forgotten? (a sudden blast of rock music
from off)
MATT
Son of a bitch!
JANE
I beg your pardon?
MATT
Dylan's doing that just to piss us off. Jane, you go up there
and remind that Watusi of yours that it's headphones except from
3 to 5, that's the contract.
JANE
You remind him. I'm busy.
MATT
Doing what?
JANE
Trying to remember what it is I'm doing. Just bang on Dylan's
door, he'll get the point.
MATT
Son of a --!
JANE
Matthew! Chose your insults more carefully, please.
MATT
Sorry. Grrrr----! (exits, growling)
PEGGY
Your menfolk still at daggers drawn?
JANE
It's much more peaceful since Byron and Eliot are away at school.
But Dylan can't resist torturing his Wicked Stepfather.
PEGGY
Ann hasn't gotten any friendlier with Tom, either.
JANE
Matt's very good-- most of the time. There's this testosterone
thing where they lock horns, and do a little dance of negotiation.
When Matt's at his most obnoxious, the boys have a whole routine
they go into, it's like vaudeville--
TOM (enters)
All secure. Your lock could use some WD40, Peggy.
PEGGY (the rock music stops)
I'll try to remember. Ah! blessed silence.
JANE
Ann and her boyfriend? Are they coming?
PEGGY
Ann says that she'll be happy to be 3rd from the left in the chorus,
so she shouldn't have to audition. Wesley says if he decides he
wants a role, he'll get it. He's right: compared to the competition,
Wes is Pavarotti.
MATT (returning)
The competition is present company?
TOM
Tone quality isn't all that counts. I design and do carpentry.
I'm young and good looking and I can sight sing anything--
"Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes.
Bow, bow, ye, tradesmen, bow ye masses,
Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses, Tantantara, Tzing, boom!"
JANE
Where did I leave the music? In the kitchen?
MATT
I didn't see it there.
JANE
Who was on the phone?
MATT
What phone?
JANE
The phone that rang while you were in the kitchen not seeing the
music.
MATT
Like you said, I let the machine take it.
JANE
Maybe you'd better check the messages.
MATT
Sam canceling?
JANE
Go check.
MATT
I thought we were going to start practice. (exits)
PEGGY (tries to get up again, groans)
Don't hurry. I'm still recovering.
TOM
Look at me! Not even winded. You ought to bike to work. Carver
Jr. is only 5 or 6 miles--
JANE
Past two housing projects and the edge of the combat zone!
PEGGY
Sorry, Tom, but I'm already borderline weird.
TOM
Your students respect muscles.
PEGGY
I tried biking. Monday they laughed and pointed. Tuesday they
put gum on my seat. Wednesday they let the air out of my tires.
Thursday they really cut loose, and the principal loaded the wreck
in his pickup and drove me home.
TOM
Friday?
PEGGY
Friday I took a sick day, because otherwise I might have killed
somebody.
TOM
Maybe if you and Jane lifted weights--
JANE
Tom, I know you mean well: but I decided many years ago, that
all the exercise I'd ever need I'd get lifting down the volumes
of Thackery.
TOM
What about running?
JANE
I ran in school. From study hall to the library, from classics
club to chorus. I also ran the literary magazine and the Gilbert
and Sullivan society.
PEGGY
Junior year. When we were seniors, Jane got all her friends to
vote for me.
TOM
In my high school nobody'd ever heard of G & S.
MATT (returns)
Sir Arthur led Girls Latin marching band. Jane and Peggy used
to flirt with him.
JANE
Who was on the machine?
MATT
Ellen.
JANE
Are they canceling?
MATT
She didn't say.
JANE
Sam hasn't had another accident?
MATT
She didn't say. Just, "this is Ellen, call me when you get
a chance."
JANE
How did she sound?
MATT
You want to know how she sounds, go listen to it!
PEGGY
Is something wrong?
JANE
I have a funny feeling.
MATT
Sam and Ellen got married. In New Hampshire, by a justice of the
peace.
JANE
Don't feel left out, we weren't invited either.
MATT
They told somebody! Wedding presents have taken over our back
hall closet.
PEGGY (sings from GONDELIERS)
"When a merry maiden marries---"
TOM
Doesn't Ellen have a kid who's a teen, from when she was very
young?
MATT
Her Julie's 12.
TOM
Instant grandma!
JANE
Lovely to have some women in the family: 5 boys between us is
just too locker room. But a teenage granddaughter?
MATT
You could say Julie's just past her 3rd birthday.
JANE
That's right! Julie was born on February 29th.
PEGGY
Like Frederick in PIRATES! (sings, TOM & JANE joining)
"A paradox, a paradox, a most ingenious paradox"
TOM
High schools doing G&S: heaven! Was that just around here,
in New England?
PEGGY
Bastion of Anglophilia. (sings with JANE "For He Is An
Englishman" from PINAFORE)
"For he himself has said it, and it's greatly to his credit,
That he is a New England man, a New England man...."
MATT
Back in MY youth, Gilbert & Sullivan was only at prep schools.
How would a kid in Brooklyn ever live down that fairy business
In IOLANTHE?
(ALL Sing and improvise/remember a silly dance)
"Soon as we may, off and away, we'll commence our journey
airy,
Happy are we, as you can see, Every one is now a fairy!
Every, every, every, every, one is now a fairy!"
JANE
No problem at dear old Girl's Latin! PINAFORE was the first we
were in together.
PEGGY
I played Josephine.
JANE
I was Cousin Hebe.
PEGGY
In GONDOLIERS, Jane was Guiseppi and I had your part.
TOM
You were Marco? You never told me!
PEGGY
If you'd broken your leg, I had my stick-on mustache ready.
(PEGGY Sings)"We're called Gondoleri, but that's a
vagary
(TOM Joins) It's quite honorary, the trade that we ply---"
JANE
Tenors get all the best songs.
MATT
Whether or not they're any good.
TOM
You're trying out for the faithful old retainer, Matt?
MATT
You make it sound like orthodontics.
JANE
Well, getting you to audition has been like pulling teeth.
PEGGY
I'm so glad! What's better than to make music with people you
love?
JANE
Matt sang on the radio when he was little. Brooklyn Boys, they
were called.
PEGGY
Why, you're a professional!
MATT
More than 40 years between engagements.
TOM
You want to try out together? With this Robin/Adam duet?
(sings a bit of the duet MATT was practicing, "I Once
Was As Meek" from Ruggigore.)
"If you wish in this world to advance Your merits you're
bound to enhance You must stir it and stump it and blow your own
trumpet. Or trust me you haven't a chance."
MATT
I have enough problems without you to contend with.
JANE
What do you want to sing, then, Tom? Marco from GONDOLIERS?
TOM (sings JESTER from YEOMEN)
"I have a song to sing, ho."
PEGGY& JANE
"What is your song, ho?"
TOM
Actually, I was thinking of When I Go Out of Door, from PATIENCE.
I brought the music.
PEGGY
If you'll help me up from this sofa, I'll help you find it.
JANE
It's on the kitchen counter, all in a jumbled mess. (TOM &
PEGGY exit)
MATT
Tom can't play Robin. Can he? A tongue-tied guy who can't speak
up for himself.
JANE
Robin's (sings) "diffident, modest and shy!"
MATT
Tom's the least modest and shy guy I've ever met, and that's saying
a lot. Even if he could act, he'd have to be better than Barrymore
to come across as shy.
JANE
He can't be worse than he was in GONDOLIERS. When we were glad
to have him.
MATT
Is Peggy trying out for Rose Maybud?
JANE
She says she's too old.
MATT
Too old for make-believe, but not for Tom? Peggy's Rose would
be much younger than Ivy's Rose was. Which was what? Twelve years
ago?
JANE
Well, Ivy and Will founded our church's G & S company. Another
director or lead soprano was -- blasphemous. If Ivy had had retired
before Will did, Peggy might have inherited--
PEGGY (returning)
What? An eavesdropper never hears any good.
JANE
I told Matt that you said you're too old for Rose.
TOM
Why? Ivy did the ingenue in GONDOLIERS at -- what, 60?
MATT
Your guess is as good as mine. I've known Ivy for 20 years. Same
hair, same clothes, same three expressions no matter what the
part.
PEGGY
Three? How do you count three?
MATT
Happy, sad, and straining for the note.
TOM
I think Ivy's gone down from three. Happy? I've never seen it.
Sad and straining, yes. Though how she could help but strain,
in cast iron underwear--
JANE
Ivy's style was set in her youth. As long as the productions matched
it---
PEGGY (sings, mimicing extreme D'Oly Carte Englishness)
"Hail the Bride of Seventeen Summers" I hope I have
more sense!
JANE (encouragingly)
I think you'd look all right. Under the lights--
TOM
We looked great together in GONDOLIERS.
MATT
Who toId you that?
JANE
I did.
MATT
Yeah? You tell me I look like Richard Dryfuss (or whoever the
actor looks like).
PEGGY
To a young director like Alex, anyone over 30 is ancient. He'll
bring in a flock of freshmen from the Conservatory, and one of
them will sing Rose. Teen aged heroines: fie!
JANE
Madam Butterfly is 15, and Juliet even younger.
PEGGY
By the time you've got the chops, it's too late. Macbeth, an actor
can play once a decade, until he gets it right.
JANE
Who knows how old Macbeth is? He has no children.
TOM
Who knows how old the guys are in G & S? "Young"
Robin's been hiding as Oakapple for, what? 20 years? At a minimum,
he's 38.
JANE
In PINAFORE Ralph the smart young sailor lad turns out to have
been switched with the captain when they were both babies. He's
the same age as his father in law.
JANE
We fairies came tripping in IOLANTHE, forever young-- obviously,
for some of us forever had been a long long time. (JANE and
PEGGY demonstrate)
"We are dainty little fairies, Ever singing, ever dancing,
We indulge in our vagaries, In a fashion most entrancing,
most entrancing--- most entrancing---
Tripping hither, tripping thither, Nobody knows why or whither."
PEGGY
God! We tripped like hippos.
TOM
If you don't go out for Rose, then what? Mad Margaret?
MATT
Sounds right to me.
TOM
Hannah? She's got a nice duet, and I could do the ghost guy.
JANE
I sort of had my eye on Hannah, myself.
MATT
Isn't Hannah the one I carry off if I get to be Old Adam?
PEGGY
I always pictured Hannah as a fat contralto, big apparatus for
pumping out chest tones.
JANE
I can sing it, it only goes down to an A flat. Nothing in the
script says Hannah has to be fat.
MATT
Just mezzo-mezzo? You're a mezzo.
TOM (looking up from the music)
This ensemble here, the madrigal? It's terrific. Why don't people
sing this at weddings? Much better than "O Promise Me".
(sings) "Lovers choose a wedding day, life is love
in Merry May."
You two ought to have the choir sing this for your wedding.
JANE
I like the madrigal from MIKADO even better. (sings MIKADO
#14)
"Brightly dawns our wedding day, (PEGGY joins in)
Joyous hour we give thee greeting,Whither whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment stay! "
TOM
You could have all G&S music. There's plenty to choose from,
every show ends with multiple weddings. Choruses galore.
MATT
Preposterous. A sergeant and the Queen of the Fairies-
PEGGY
Terrible old Katasha and Koko.
TOM (sings MIKADO #23)
"Are you old enough to marry, do you think?
Won't you wait until you're 80 in the shade?
There's a fascination frantic, in a ruin that's romantic;
Do you think that you're sufficiently decayed?"
Your bridesmaids could wear the RUDDIGORE dresses. You'd have
to use a flock of bridesmaids, but if the costumes are free--
MATT
Our wedding as comic opera? Red noses, 20 inch shoes--
JANE
Sullivan's madrigals are so romantic they make me want to cry.
MATT
Cry? The congregation would laugh at us.
PEGGY
Members of our lovely liberal church have been married by warlock,
by shaman, by teams of his and hers rabbis. They've worn feathers
and caftans and matching bridal veils, and no congregation yet
has ever laughed.
MATT
Maybe not out loud.
PEGGY
A slightly eccentric choice of music--
TOM
Most of the choir will have learned it anyway by-- what's the
date, now?
JANE
The end of November.
PEGGY
I thought it was September!
JANE
We'll be so busy till the show's over--.
PEGGY
Awfully close to Thanksgiving.
MATT
That's what I told Jane. If we wait till after the holidays--
JANE
We get into my birthday. I'd like to be married before I'm 40,
thank you.
PEGGY
That seems reasonable, after being engaged now for--
JANE
8 years and seven months. Practically Adelaid in "Guys and
Dolls" (sings)
"average American female, basically insecure ...."
All this changing of dates: it might be less embarrassing at this
point to switch grooms.
TOM
Either way, this number would make a great processional.
MATT
If you're so crazy about it, have it for your wedding!
TOM
Right! Why not? A double wedding. What do you think, Peg?
MATT (exits)
Think? You are all out of your minds.
TOM
What's with him?
JANE
Nerves. Never mind. Let's start singing and see what happens.
TOM
Warm up? Ah-ah-ah-ah-
PEGGY
Please! Not scales. I'll get Matt. (exits)
JANE
Something we know by heart, so we don't have to think.
TOM (sings)
"On a Hill far away, stands an old rugged--
(PEGGY and MATT enter, MATT turns and starts out again)
MATT
Jesus H Christ!
JANE (the others join in, in parts)
No, no. "Oh beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves
of grain
For purple mountain's majesty, above the fruited plain America--"
TOM
Wait! Matt, you're doubling the melody an octave down.
MATT
I always sing melody on this, I've never even seen the bass part--
TOM
There's music for it somewhere--
JANE
Don't waste time. We said we'd do what we know.
TOM
What bass part do you have memorized?--
MATT
There's uh-- there's the Duke's uh-- . There's-- there's The Messiah.
I sing bass in that.
JANE
Hallelujah?
TOM
Hallelujah.
ALL (sing)
"Hallelujah!"
SCENE THREE - The Next Day PEGGY is on the church stage auditioning,
singing the last bit of "Cheerily Carols the Lark" from
RUDDIGORE #11
PEGGY
" --hope lay nestling at her heart, But alas the cruel awaking,
But alas the cruel awaking,
Set her little heart a-breaking For he gathered for his posies,
Only roses, only roses."
ALEX-- VOICE FROM OUT FRONT
Thank you. Thank you very much. Next. (PEGGY exits)
TOM (on stage, sings from When I Go Out of Door (PATIENCE)
"A Japanese young man, A blue and white young man,
Francesca di Rimini, niminiy pimininy, Je ne sais quoi young man!
Conceive me if you can, A crotchety cracked young man,
An ultrapoetical, superaesthetical--" (TOM is cut off)
VOICE
Thank you, thank you. If you'll wait outside for about twenty
minutes, please, we'll bring you back in here to read from the
book. Next.
(MATT comes on, looking very uncomfortable. After a false
start, he sings the bit he was working on at the top of scene
two)
MATT (singing)
And I, who was once his valley-de-sham, As steward I'm now employed
-- ha ha!The dickens may take him, I'll never forsake him
La da da da da da employed --ha ha! --"
SCENE FOUR - Early September
TOM (is practicing Robin and Rose's duet from RUDDIGORE. PEGGY
enters)
"I know a youth who loves a little maid, Hey but his face
is a sight for to see,
Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid, Hey but he's timid as
ayouth can be--
Poor little man, 2,3,4; Poor little man, (PEGGY fills in Rose's
part "Poor little maid")
Now tell me pray and tell me true, What in the world should the
young man do?"
PEGGY
How's it going?
TOM
Mary Alice keeps upstaging herself. I tried to show her, but she
keeps twisting around. Does this funny thing with her hands--.
Why don't you run a basics workshop?
PEGGY
I don't think Alex would appreciate it.
TOM
Alex needs all the help he can get. Even if he were a genius,
we aren't undergraduates.
PEGGY
Undergraduates are potential pros. We're Amateurs. A step down.
TOM
It's not like engineering, where everything Matt learned in college
is useless.
PEGGY
Thank you, Tom Recent Graduate. Now, if you'll excuse me I have
papers to mark.
TOM
You're not still upset, are you? Fewer rehearsals you won't get
so tired.
PEGGY
Oh, God.
TOM
You are upset.
PEGGY
Just give me a day or two to rationalize.
TOM
It's no slur on your talent. Probably Alex is trying to bring
in new blood--
PEGGY
That's good. You rationalize for me.
TOM
You always said veterans should do chorus. To grow the group.
PEGGY
You're right.
TOM
You've already done Phoebe and Peep Bo and Celia and Gianetta--
PEGGY
Any of whom I'd gladly trade for Margaret--
TOM
Do you want me to drop out? No? Then stop looking at me as if
it's my fault! I mean, OK, I guess you've got a right to sulk,
because in my book Betty isn't half the actress you are and it's
a shame he gave Mad Margaret to her. But he didn't give it to
me--
PEGGY
No. He gave you an even better part.-- and you're not half the
actor I am, either! I'm sorry. This is pure penis envy. Why is
the world so constructed that a woman has to do everything backwards
and in high heels? meanwhile being young and beautiful?
TOM
You're better looking than Betty.
PEGGY
You're sexually enthralled. You're partial.
TOM
I'm objective. When I joined the choir it was obvious that there
were only three first rate women in it, you being one. I eliminated
Jane because she was taken, but I never even considered Betty.
PEGGY
You had me down as a prospect? From day one?
TOM
As attractive. It's your own fault you became a prospect. If you
hadn't drafted me to be in the Christmas pageant, I'd never have
auditioned for GONDOLIERS. If you hadn't made me feel like Gianetta's
lover, I'd never've had the nerve to be yours, or play the lead
in RUDDIGORE now.
PEGGY
Hoist by my own petard.
TOM
A petard is like a crane?
PEGGY
More like a block and tackle.
TOM
Petard. I like that word. Jean-luc Petard.
PEGGY
It's from Hamlet.
TOM
You know, I was just thinking about Othello.
PEGGY
You're not going to audition for that, are you?
TOM
Othello has that line about dying happy--
PEGGY
"If twere now to die, twere now to be most happy".
TOM
I feel that way. (PEGGY is surprised) Don't you? I suppose
not. You've been in love before, love comes easy. The time I was
mugged? I thought, I'll lie here with my blank heart pumping out
blood into the gutter, and die without ever being in love. But
I found you. So now I can die happy.
PEGGY (laughing but touched)
I can't believe you said that.
TOM
Amazing, isn't it? A whole new side of me. Now if you'd just let
me help you organize--
PEGGY
No! Hands off. Over the years I've learned my own workings.
TOM
What about Annie? How's she going to get a decent job? She can't
find her references, her resume's set in italics-- if you're so
locked into your creative inner child that you can't set her an
example--
PEGGY (stops her ears and sings over TOM's words RUDDIGORE
#24 "My Eyes Are Fully Open")
My opinion doesn't matter, my opinion doesn't matter,
My opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, mattter!
SCENE FIVE --Mid September
MATT working on Adam, JANE plays the piano.
-- ha ha!The dickens may take him, I'll never forsake him
La da da da da da employed --ha ha! --"
ANN
Matt? Isn't my mother here?
MATT
Jane, do we know anybody old enough to be this young lady's mother?
ANN
Peggy went to the computer show with Tom-
MATT
Oh! Your Mom's the lady who hangs out with the whiz kid?
JANE
Never mind Matt, Ann dear. He's perfecting his Old Curmudgeon.
MATT
Right. Your mother and I are old friends. Trouble is, both of
us know we're friends, but only one of us knows we're old. How's
she dealing with the kid director?
ANN
I thought Mom would at least get one of the solo bridesmaids.
MATT
They're all freshmen at the Conservatory-- maids of seventeen
summers.
JANE
None of the lady veterans got a lead in except me.
ANN
Even I'm a bridesmaid wannabe! Alex said to hang out with the
old maids and aunts.
MATT
Well, young people like Alex have a strong sense of what's proper
for weddings. Except for Tom, who doesn't seem to have any sense
at all.
JANE
I think they're cute together.
MATT
Cute! Out of her own mouth, cute! My baby grandson is cute, but
that doesn't mean an adult should marry him.
ANN
Has Mom said something about marrying?
MATT
Can you imagine? The four of us? A G & S wedding, where we
double as performers. Tom wants Peggy to sing Rose's part in the
RUDDIGORE madrigal, as if to prove she should have been cast in
it. After that charming spectacle, we all dash back to the altar
for the I do I do I do's. Next thing, we'll be in the National
Enquirer.
ANN
It's hard for me to picture.
MATT
Don't bother. It's not going to happen.
ANN
Thank God! Tom for a stepfather--!
JANE
Matt means that our wedding's canceled.
ANN
But you've been planning--
JANE
We couldn't agree on a date or a church or a guest list, or --
MATT
Or whether it's a good idea.
ANN
Oh, I'm so sorry.
MATT
What's to be sorry about? Sorry is when you marry, and change
your mind after.
ANN
I wish somebody'd tell that to Mom. I'm afraid she's in some kind
of premenopausal panic. I realize that girls weren't allowed to
sow their wild oats when you two were growing up--
MATT
Back before electricity --
JANE
Annie, the fact is that --- Matthew, excuse us, please.
MATT
What?
JANE
Go away. Ann and I need to have a private conversation.
MATT
Just when this is getting interesting?
JANE
Go away!
MATT
You see how I'm henpecked already. If I were a husband-. OK, OK,
I'm going.
(takes music, exits. MATT is heard practicing during dialog)
JANE
All right. The birds and the bees.
ANN
I don't know what she sees in him.
JANE
Intelligence? If you go by sheer IQ-- .
ANN
Math? If they added 27 and 39, they'd realize it equals trouble!
JANE
People said my first husband was a crazy genius, but to me he
was boring. Even Matt-- If I ask him if we can afford to vacation
in Vermont, he gives me his whole chain of reasoning. He follows
me around, reasoning. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom,
and turn on the shower.
ANN
Tom wants to help me with my homework, and I can't shut him up.
It's so obnoxious.
JANE
To you it is. But to Peggy? She's rather--
ANN
Last night Mom and Tom were wrangling over the different sources
of school finance. Can you believe it? They had reference books
open all over the floor and they were shouting so loud our landlady
pounded on the ceiling with a broom.
JANE
Sounds to me like compatibility.
ANN
Some day a woman his own age will make a pass at him, and Tom'll
break my mother's heart. It's all so --?--What do you call Oedipal
for a woman?
JANE
Electrical?
ANN
Her friends seem to be egging her on. Like, Peggy's making a fool
of herself, but isn't that a kick! (pause) I'm sorry. I'm
upset at the uproar.
JANE
Annie, dear, would you like to stay here for a few days? There's
plenty of room with the boys away at school.
ANN
Auntie Jane, can't you talk to her?
JANE
What would I say? (SINGS Madrigal from MIKADO, ANN is drawn
into duet)
"All must sip the cup of sorrow, I today and thou tomorrow,
This the close of every song,This the close of every song,
This the close of every song, Ding--dong! Ding--dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall. Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal, Sing a merry madrigal,
Sing a merry madrigal, fa la fa la fa la la la la......"
MATT (peeks in)
They're coming up the walk. Can I come in?
JANE
All right, come in. (knock) Come in!
TOM (at door)
Doorbell's still out? I can fix it. I've got a fuse. (exits)
MATT
Leave my doorbell alone! We're taking Sam and Ellen out for dinner.
Practice now!
TOM (returns)
Peggy's been trying to prove that the Democrats have a better
record on job expansion. But the foremost expert in the country,
a man nominated for a Nobel Prize-
ANN
The debating society is adjourned! I don't want to listen to it!.
JANE
Matt needs help with his part.
PEGGY
The singing? Or the lines?
MATT
The singing. And the lines. I go over and over it, but when I'm
on stage--
TOM
It's early yet.
PEGGY
Everybody makes mistakes--
MATT
I hear my cue and a black hole opens up. Don't answer the phone,
Jane. This whole day--
TOM
For word-perfect there's no way around the old drill drill drill.
MATT
I drill! Ask Jane -- do I drill?
JANE
Incessantly.
MATT
In the car, in the shower, I'm great. On stage I go blank.
TOM
But you're articulate-
MATT
The last time I had a stage part was in third grade, when I played
a carrot. I forgot both my two lines in front of all the kids,
and I swore I would never go though that again. I figured I'm
a grownup now. What can happen? The same as in third grade, that's
what can happen!
PEGGY
Do you walk through it? Do the moves?
MATT
Do the moves?
PEGGY
For Kinesthetic memory. So your body will do it before your mind
has a chance to panic.
MATT
That works?
PEGGY
I guarantee it. Use props and furniture, enlist an audience.
MATT
All right. Let's do the abduction.
ANN
You won't be needing me, then.
MATT
No! The madrigal! You know the dance, Ann. Stand in for my partner.
ANN
I'm sure Liz'd be happy to--
MATT
The first time, Liz wasn't there and you took her place. I went
through it perfectly. But with Liz, I get all tangled up. I'm
so embarrassed, I--
ANN
All right. Sure.
MATT
From where I come in. Right after Rose. (they take places)
TOM
Am I to be Dick, or Robin, here?
MATT
Both. I'm sure you'll manage.
TOM
All right! (begin madrigal, with indicated dance)
PEGGY (sings) "Life is love in merry May"
ANN & TOM
Spring is green"
QUARTET
fa la la la la la la
ANN & TOM
Summer's rose.
QUARTET
fa la la la la la laIt is sad when summer goeslalalalalala
(Autumn's gold/ Winter's grey) Winter still is far away, far away--
TOM
Matt? You're going too low for the F natural.
PEGGY
Tom, Matt might have an easier time if you sang a bit more softly.
TOM
Maybe I should sing along with his part?
JANE
Or if Ann sang it?
MATT
A man's easier for me to hear.
TOM
Right. Just hammer it in: "Still is Far away Fa lalalalalala"
MATT & TOM
Far away Fa lalalala--lalala
Fa lalalalalalala
JANE
By Jove, you've got it!
MATT
Fa lalalalalalala!
PEGGY
All together, now.
ANN & TOM
Autumn's gold (QUARTET fa la etc)
Winter's gray
QUARTET fa la etc. Winter still is far away, far away
TOM
Something's off key.
MATT
Dammit! I thought I had it!
PEGGY
I don't think it's the bass part. It's-- (the doorbell is ringing,
chiming out a familiar tune from G&S)
JANE
The doorbell?
TOM
I fixed it!
JANE
Hello?
ELLEN
Jane?
JANE
Ellen! Come in, come in! (kisses her)
ELLEN
I don't want to interrupt --
JANE
We're practicing for RUDDIGORE, darling. You remember
Peggy, and her daughter Ann. And this is Tom.
ELLEN
Uh-- how do you do. I just wanted ask if Sam's here.
MATT
Sam? Not since last week. Is something wrong?
ELLEN
No--not--it's just--- he's gone! (bursts into tears) He
left the house day before yesterday. He's not with any of our
friends, and I hoped--
JANE
Did you two have a disagreement?
MATT
You aren't still fighting about my mother's birthday?
JANE
What happened at Sophy's birthday?
ELLEN
At the last minute, Sam decided we shouldn't go. Some nonsense
about germs. Julie sneezed, is all. The old lady can't catch Julie's
allergies.
JANE
We never made it to the party, either. Our car broke down outside
of Hartford. Matt spent hours running around trying to find a
place that had parts, while I sat in a restaurant.
MATT
Let's keep to the subject, ladies. What makes you think Sam's
left?
ELLEN
Julie was being fresh: to aggravate Sam. He grabbed hold of her
and shook her, and when she kicked him, he threatened her with
a beating!
JANE
Julie can be a handful, sometimes.
ELLEN
She can't help it. She's hyperactive. I told Sam if he ever laid
a hand on Julie again, I'd have him arrested. He left, and I haven't
heard from him since.
MATT
I don't believe this. My son, the child abuser?
TOM (sings When a Felon --- from PIRATES)
When constabulary duty's to be done, to be done,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one --- happy one.
ELLEN
Do I know you?
TOM
We met at the Hunger Concert. Really, Ellen. Would Sam beat your
daughter? Or just give her a little tap on the behind, like a
two year old?
MATT
That, I can believe.
TOM
My brother and I pulled that "child abuser" stunt on
our stepdad -- until my mother wised up.
MATT
Look, Ellen, marriage does complicate things-
TOM
A little spanking firms up the lines of authority. If Julie's
too old for that, ground her. That's the trouble with kids today.
No father in the home, no sense of respect. Stealing, lying, running
dope-- when the law took the paddle out of the schools, it created
monsters.
ANN
If that's your idea of discipline, you'll make one hell of a father.
TOM
I suppose you and Ann'll fight me every inch of the way!
ELLEN
Don't believe the in-law jokes.
TOM
In-law jokes?
ELLEN
My mother loves Sam. Your wife and Peggy can be close, and not---
(puzzled pause)
ANN (light dawns)
Oh, my God! (grabs her backpack and exits, slamming door.)
ELLEN
I said something wrong.
JANE
It's Tom and Peggy who are the couple, not Tom and Ann.
MATT
A natural mistake.
JANE
Matthew!
TOM
I'd've thought you'd be the last one to stereotype, being an older
woman yourself.
ELLEN
By 3 years!
TOM
Well, the average wife is 3 years younger, so you and Sam are
6 years off. Peggy and I are only greater by a factor of 2.
ELLEN
I was never good at math.
TOM
The schools do that to women. That, and tell them to let their
kids run all over them.
PEGGY
Don't start! I handle 29 kids, wild kids, five days a week. I've
raised a wonderful daughter!
TOM
O, sure, Annie's great. Loveable, well-meaning, even sort of bright.
Judge by intentions, she's an 8 point 9, but judge by results-
MATT
Kids're all like that, today. Jane's leave a bathroom looking
like--
JANE
I have a PH D in son-rearing! All 3 are sweet and chivalrous.
A averages, sports letters. Strangers call me for advice-
MATT
Miriam was the same way. Nothing at all like Jane, but she let
the boys get away with murder. Sam wouldn't be having this trouble
now, if his mother had only--
JANE (sings, Go, Ye Heroes, Go To Glory" from PIRATES,
PEGGY joins in)
Ladies! To the rear-- March!
"Go, Ye Heroes, go to glory, though ye die in battle gory
Ye shall live in song and story, Go to glory and the grave!"
(as they exit. TOM sings the police's counterpoint, MATT joins),
Ta ran ta rah Ta ran ta rah, Ta ran ta rah rah rah rah rah rah...."
END OF ACT I
Go to Act II of Modified Rapture
|
by 
